annual 2018

2019-01-13 19:57:25 +0000

It’s January 13. Normally I try and write my annual retrospective within the first week of January. But… I got the fucking death flu over the new year’s long weekend. So. Fucking. Salty. On Friday I had lunch with the guy who had the flu… and on Saturday I could feel myself getting sick. But I still went to the gym and worked out like a boss. Sunday. I was just fucked up beyond repair. >_<

When I got sick… it was like. I’m pretty sure the flu makes me depressed or puts me in a state of despair. It’s like… death. Like. Everything is pointless and I’m just sad. And I actually felt like I would never get better… it’s like I gave up hope. But then now I’m recovered. And life is fucking great. My life is fucking great.

Well. 2018 had it’s ups and down. In the downs… it was really down. But in the ups… fuck. So fucking high.

Sigh. Okay.

Emotion - I’ve been meditating less and I think I’m more… affected by emotion and external events. Translation -> I got weaker. I think will, discipline and logic should trump emotion. But I gave into emotion in many cases. I quit on the treadmill. I didn’t push hard enough for things I wanted. I didn’t bend reality to my will. Part of the reason is I spent most of 2017 in asia and the beginning of 2018 with my family in China. I actually think time with family makes me weaker… sigh. It’s an excuse - but it’s also reality. I think my bed and environment got too good and it made me soft… weak.

Physical - Haven’t deadlifted or benched closed to my PRs recently. But. I did Muay Thai in Chiang Mai. Also started learning BJJ. Oh man. BJJ is so much fun. Even though it caused me crazy injuries. With BJJ… I’ve accepted the period of sucking. To get good… you gotta suck. Rolling with 200 pound monsters that uh… crush me with their weight. it’s pretty jokes. I’ve only been training at the office which is full of super nice people. For 2019… definitely gonna do a 3 month stint at Marcelo’s. A world class facility. Can’t wait!

Relationship - went back to Toronto. Spent time with old friends. Moved to NYC. Made some new friends. Spent time with family in Asia. Enjoying the single life. I think this goes back to the spiritual. My understanding of relationships and my enjoyment of relationships is different. It’s… I’m just more appreciative. I enjoy the little things. People come into your life and people leave. Just enjoy the time that they’re there. Everything is temporary. I don’t try as hard to be friends with people. Or to seduce people. It’s like… I do the action… and whatever happens happens and couldn’t have happened any other way. And I’m okay with it.

Financial - I didn’t do my 2018 taxes yet… but I think it’s gonna be my best year ever financially speaking. Cause I made some wall street bets that paid off. Even working just from July onwards… I think that 2018 is gonna be my best year financially speaking. I definitely reached a new tier of finances. I just buy shit knowing that I can afford it. I’m not stressed about money. I know that everything will work out.

Spiritual - been slacking on the meditation. It’s… funny how you trick yourself. No time for meditation. You don’t need to meditate. But I think meditation is like exercise. It gives you the awareness and the calmness. It’s definitely a super power that I want to cultivate. I need to track my meditation and make it more consistent. Might just wake up 30 minutes earlier and put meditation at first thing at 630.


Q1 - China with family. Chiang Mai. Kuala Lumpur. Amsterdam. Then back to Toronto. The end of my vacation. Fuck. This was such a blessed time. I’m so thankful looking back. Spending time with family in China. Muay Thai in Chiang Mai. Getting $30 thai massages… omg. The coffee and fast internet. Working out at a luxury condo and swimming in an infinity pool in Kuala Lumpur. Visiting the twin towers in KL. Looking back on the whole. It’s amazing. But looking at my diary entries and reflecting. I was so pissed off at stupid tiny shit. Like. Like having to buy a ticket from a the airport before you leave in the taxi. Or waiting in line at amsterdam. Amsterdam was actually fast as fuck. I was just an impatient asshole. It’s like… in the moment… small things just annoy the shit out of me. But looking back… Q1 was the last of my vacation… the finale. And what a grand finale it was. Amsterdam was so great. I did mushrooms for the first time. What’s the proper word for mushrooms? Psilocybin. Yup. Uh. It blew my mind. I think mushrooms is like… the shortcut to meditation. Like… the experience of mushrooms… is what meditating for 20 years will give you. I won’t say it’s addictive. Well. It is addictive in a sense that - that feeling. It’s an amazing feeling. Lucky for me I’m not the type to be addicted to drugs. I’m addicted to sugar though =

Q2 - Grandfather passed away in April. Shortly after I arrived back in Canada and got to see him. You think life is gonna be forever and constant… but change is inevitable. It was strange… because I expected it… in a sense that there was no way my grandfather was going to outlive me - so I would have to live through his death. Yet… I always envisioned him alive for my future if I decided to get married he’d be there. But now he won’t. Death is inevitable. I know and I live every year knowing that each passed year is one year closer to my death. I uh… was less affected by his death than the sadness my whole family experienced. I guess I’m normal in a sense that you get sad when you’re surrounded by sad people. Right after his funeral and burial… I hopped on a plane to interview in NYC. Crushed most of my interviews. It was like… doing the interviews… I was trying not to be sad or like… give out any vibes that a close family member passed away. I don’t believe in god or the afterlife. But I know that my grandpa always wanted what’s best for me so if there was an afterlife… he’d be looking on and wanting me to crush it. So - I did. The NYC interview gauntlet… a nice break and distraction from his passing. The amazing hotels paid for… the free food. Crashing at my friend’s place.

I got to live at my sister’s luxury condo downtown. The markham / toronto life was just… vacation 2.0. Working out. Going to tim hortons. Coffee with dad in the morning. Phoenix. Good times. But looking back at my diary. It was. Fuck. Life sucks. I can’t wait to move to NYC. And when my visa finally came through and it was time to move… I wanted to stay in Toronto longer. I guess.. it’s just really hard to appreciate the present for me. I always look towards the future.

Q3 - moved to new york. Crashed at my friends place for 2 weeks. Got my ideal unit in Chelsea with a dishwasher. No fee. It’s like.. I envisioned moving to new york and finding an amazing place with dishwasher. And it happened. Whatever I envision comes true. Buying all the shit I don’t need and building my perfect apartment. Getting that chase sapphire reserve. Starting to get used to work and crushing it.

Q4 - just being fat and lazy. I think… I might have seasonal depression? Or everyone has it. When it’s cold and there’s no sunlight… it just robs me of… motivation and will. In Asia when it’s warmer. I think tropical is best. Even though Toronto summer is like melting hot. I prefer melting hot to no sunlight and coldness. I think… now I just enjoy the down times more. Like… when I don’t have the will to be crushing it. I ended up playing god of war, and detroit become human. Finished both in like 3 weeks. Also got FFX for the PC. My favorite game of all time… and now I’m finally playing through it in Japanese. Using Japanese audio and japanese subtitles. Like a boss. Also… that’s another dream come true. I’ve always dreamed of… playing FFX in it’s native Japanese. My japanese isn’t good enough… or it is. It’s just… so beautiful. To be able to read… and play FFX in Japanese. The thing that struck out the most about it is… there’s this 3 choice option with Lulu. Where it’s like… Like Yuna / Not Like Yuna / Lulu it’s all about you. And the Japanese phrasing of it… was like. So Japanese. Blows my mind. LOL. Anderson Silva’s precision is so precise. HAHAHAHA. Too jokes. Man. No one gets my master class jokes. Cause I’m too weird.

Overall - 2018. Things are still on the up and up. Everything that I’ve envisioned for Manhattan. It came true. I think… I need to plan and envision more clearly what I want for 2019. Before I can meet my future waifu… I gotta know what I’m looking for. Sigh. It’s scary. Because… I honestly never envisioned myself older than 27 or 28. I’m gonna turn 30… which is like. I never envisioned myself married or with kids. Serious decisions. And not making a decision is a decision… delaying it is a decision. I think… everything that I want for 2019 will come true. I believe I’m lucky. But then… what happens when all you dreams come true? And you still have the void. The emptiness? Fuck. Well. I hope I reach the point where I gotta face the void. There’s still a decent amount of work / luck before I reach exit 2. But I’m well positioned to reach it. And… it blows my mind. How… much I’ve grown. It’s like… looking back. Fuck. I’m such a badass. In the moment - I feel so weak, I could be doing so much more. Breathe. Everything is gonna be great. 2018 was phenomenal. Happy 2019 everyone!

thankful 2018

2018-11-24 20:20:57 +0000

So much to be thankful for. It’s been a great day, a great week a great month and a great year. Damn. It’s like… my life keeps going up and up… and it literally keeps getting better and better. And… I think… of like reversion to mean… or like things can’t be good forever. And it’s true, eventually when I get sick… I just get sad. But I’m healthy as fuck now and life is fucking great. So thankful.

I went to the gym today. Still recovering my sprained finger from doing brazilian jiu jitsu. I told myself I’d start bjj after moving to manhattan. And I did. And it’s so much fun. Like… it corrected my belief that the sport is full of meatheads who want to uh… murk you. People that do BJJ are super nice and I think the higher the belt the more… safe you are. You’re less likely to get injured by a purple belt than a white belt. It’s just been so much fun. My hand is injured, but it happens. Just gotta rest and keep going.

I’m thankful for BJJ and the people I’ve met through it. So I went to the gym, toughed it out today. I bought all the shit that I wanted and probably didn’t need in order to hit my minimum spend for sapphire reserve. So I’ll have $500 for flights next year because I bought myself all the toys I’ve wanted. Literally, all the toys I want for myself… will be arriving within a week.

I bought a new gaming laptop along with ram, ssd x2, video games, a nintendo switch, 2x 27 inch monitors with a new monitor stand. What’s funny is I bought myself a benq gaming mouse that I’ve always wanted… and it’s my 3rd mouse and I haven’t even opened it yet since I bought it. So much for minimalism huh.

I started the year out… in China. From China, to Thailand, to Malaysia, to Amsterdam, returning to Toronto and then moving to Manhattan. It’s like… I’ve dreamed of Manhattan and it came true. I got a nice fancy dishwasher that I use once a week. So fucking spoiled.

I’m thankful for my coworkers at Google. We played CS:GO friday afternoon cause it was a half day pretty much. So much fun, and it’s like… I recognize that I’m now in a whole other level compared to before. Like, I spent $15 for 3 hours of video gaming with friends… and it was totally worth it.

I started working on some of my android coding projects again. It’s uh… I’m thankful old me wrote the garbage v1 that lets present me do a rebuild from scratch giving me clean code and inspiration.

I realize that… I just always look forward to the next thing. And uh, the next thing will be great. No doubt. But I definitely gotten better at enjoying the present and what I have. I’m always thankful. I stop to enjoy the beautiful manhattan scenery when I’m on the 14th floor looking out.

Things are on track, everything I envisioned for 2018. It’s come true. Once fucking again. It’s so fucking weird. Like… people always talk about visualization and like… hard work. Or like… whatever you think will happen will come true. And it’s… it keeps surprising me. Whatever… I want for myself in the future… it’s happening. It’s freaky as fuck. But so fucking good.

Of course, I fail to see some negatives. Like that monster roach in my toilet which uh… traumatized me. But that’s just… minor. Nothing I can’t handle. I think… there is nothing that I can’t handle. Cause, I solve problems and there are no unsolvable problems that’s been presented to me in my life.

One thing that I’ve been thinking of.. is that maybe I’ve been playing it too safe. I’ve been reading this book on the art of superman… and it says that you can access flow when you’re life is in danger. What they say is true, when you’re in danger, and your life is about to end - time DOES slow down. Because your body is trying to survive so fucking hard. And… I haven’t ever truly burned my bridges or been put into a situation where that flow hit me.

Flow is addicting. That’s why I always try to learn a new skill. Learning a new skill gets you into the flow state which makes you feel happy. Flow is like the ultimate drug. So november is almost over and december followed by Christmas and New Years is right around the corner.

I’m thankful for all my material possessions, but I’m more thankful for.. the skills and person that I’ve become. The journey for all the stuff does just make you better. I’m doing no shave november so I look like a bum.. but it’s cool. I still can’t grow a… full beard. Sad.

I’ve been planning out what I want for myself even more. Because… if you ain’t improving you’re declining. I think… I got a little complacent and stagnant. It’s like… I’ve become the champion and everyone wants to take my spot. But nah, I realize I’m far from champion. I still gotta grind, and work hard, and I’ve still got so much further to go. But - I enjoy the grind. The mental training. Mental trumps everything I think. And I’m still weak. I’m strong - but I’m weak. I could be much stronger… and I strive to become stronger.

Clarified my goals and the processes. Just gonna enjoy Manhattan. I’m thankful. Life is good. Too good. :)

fucked up beliefs and feelings

2018-11-18 17:04:14 +0000

Summary of my day before the thesis. Woke up, got my apartment cleaned while I went to the office to practice piano. My sprained finger isn’t causing too much issue. I’m still far from the level that I used to be. I use to play to zanarkand with my eyes closed and via memory perfectly with a 3 difficulty. Now I can barely play it with sheet music with a 8 difficulty and I can’t play the softness properly. Sadface. But… practice and recovery. I’m certain I can surpass my old piano self via hard work and dedication. I’m certain.

Then I ran… 4 intervals of great incline. It was… quite mentally challenging. But funny, it wasn’t challenging enough for me to reach 2nd wind. When doing cardio, I think… it gets really fucking hard. And once you push through the really fucking hard, it magically becomes easier. Those are the sessions that train your mental and physical. When you break through, and it becomes easier through sheer will. It’s okay. I did.

I went to animenyc cause my friend told me about it. Tickets were all sold out, and I didn’t want to pay $45 to uh… enter on a sunday for 1 hour. So I just walked over planning to wander the convention center. I tried to walk to some restricted area.. and the guy was like. YO. WHERE YOUR BADGE AT SON. and I was like. Oh shit. Run. lool. but honestly, he just prevented me from going in. I wasn’t gonna go to jail or any shit like that.

Okay. Plan to obtain badge. It’s like a video game. So I walk outside the convention center looking for people who are leaving and I’m planning on asking them for their badges. In the past, people who are leaving would sometimes randomly give me their badges. So in my mind… I know that getting a badge from someone whose leaving and has no use of it… it’s like a 3/10 difficulty. You don’t even need skill, you just need to ask. And I have no problems asking or talking to strangers. But. Fuck. For some reason. It was REALLY fucking hard. To get my body to take action. It’s like. Sigh. I wish I could control myself as a video game character. I think that’s what meditation is really all about. Transcending the self, observing, and directing. If I could control myself as a video game character… my stats would probably be near maxed and I’d already achieved all my dreams. I think. In the same way that… I see fat people and think. Dafaq. You don’t want to fat, yet you won’t do the most basic and easy thing which is eat healthy and exercise. For me… it’s. I know what I want.. but I don’t do the hard work to get what I want. Or like… I just sabotage and make bullshit excuses to not do shit.

Okay. So decided on obtaining badge. I ask this guy if he’s leaving and he’s like. Oh. He’s coming back. He knows I want his badge but he’s returning so can’t. No biggie. First guy. A nearby dude, who heard me asking was like. Yo, you want a badge to get in? I’m like. Yeah. And he just gives me his badge cause he’s done with it. Man. You the REAL MVP. So basically I asked one guy and I got a badge.

One of my personal beliefs that’s been… realized is. Whenever I want to do something, whenever I take the proper actions towards doing something. When I tell the world - this is what I want. It’s probably not the way I envisioned, but it fucking happens. I didn’t envision a stranger not being the guy I was asking giving me his badge. But I did envision getting a badge. Which I got.

Newly acquired badge. Man. Life is like a video game, that was a fetch quest. LOL. I get to walk around artist alley and stuff. I’m just feeling super nervous. It’s weird. Like. The nervous, doesn’t correspond with reality. I’m in a super safe place. Like… there’s literally no danger whatsoever. In any shape or form, but my nerves are just giving me anxiety for no fucking reason. Fuck. Fucked up biology and beliefs. I’m like… surrounded by nerds. Otaku. My people. I’m just… smiling to myself, like. dafaq. I’m with my people and I feel anxious. WTF.

So I think. I just struggle with showing weakness. Like. Writing about how I’m nervous… even though I know.. like there’s probably 5 readers who will never meet me in person. It’s like… writing about my own weakness… goes against what I believe in. Anyways, I see a genderbend vegeta. She’s super cute so I go up and talk to her. And I was already nervous… talking to her original spikes my nerves even higher.

she was super nice and warm. And honestly, it was easy. The interaction was easy and warm. THe nice guy who gave me his badge. It’s like… I know the world is filled with nice people. And I know that believing the world is filled with nice people - being optimistic is good for you. And yet, It’s like I never learn. I just keep thinking everyone is evil and out to get me or some bullshit. Sigh. My biology is fucked up.

doing the right thing and emotions

2018-10-07 17:45:46 +0000

Hmmm. Few things I wanted to write about since it’s been awhile. My D3 incident. Doing the right thing. Emotions and feeling like it. Also khabib vs conor. Also the unseen struggles and hard work.

I’ve been playing a lot of D3 on the work mac lately… probably not good but I’m still recovering from flu and uh… injury. But that aside… today I was doing split bounties and I was doing my share of the work and then I got kicked. My initial reaction was being pissed off. Those fuckers just kicked me for no reason. Well. It wasn’t no reason because otherwise they wouldn’t have did it. Some people just wanna watch the world burn. But, that’s irrelevant.

I was super pissed off and sad. About 15 minutes of my life wasted. Man. I was fucking robbed. Rationally, I knew it was no big deal. It’s just a video game. I’m playing just to have fun. But like, that incident just… pissed me off. It was fucking unfair shit. Thing is, life is unfair. That’s just reality. The other reality? It’s always better to be optimistic, and cooperative. The optimal game strategy is… tit for tat forgiveness, but it’s hard man. Like, biologically. Fuck that guy. But rationally and philosophically? He has no free will so it’s like. Whatever he did there was a reason for it.

Afterwards, I kept doing bounties and it was fair and fun. Split bounties means you generally get shit done at at least 3x the speed. So, I lost 1x. But I did 3x 3x which means even though I got scammed, I still came out ahead by trusting strangers. Because cooperation is good. It’s like. It’s always better to be optimistic and then get scammed because in the long run, trusting and group cooperation is bad. But at the same time… the emotions of it. Fuck. I’m translating that to other things, and that happens so much in everything.

I’ve just been eating junk recently. And uh, every night I’ve been bitten by a fucking mosquito. It’s driving me nuts. Everytime I kill a mosquito. It’s like. Hallulujah. I’m gonna be safe tonight. THen the next morning I wake up with a painful and itchy bite. Fack. But. That’s a situation where, getting angry and pissed off doesn’t do shit. Being paranoid and always looking for a mosquito around me, doesn’t do shit. It just makes me angry and nervous anxious for no reason. It goes back to, it’s always better to be cooperative. It’s always better to not give a shit about mosquitoes because I gotta focus on more important things. But fuck, mosquitoes take up WAY too much of my head space. Way too fucking much.

So the degree of how pissed off I was at a random dude on D3 who wronged me. Is uh, crazy. Khabib vs Conor was a sick fight. Afterwards Khabib did some retarded shit because he was angry. The other guy insulted his religion and father. And uh, it’s like. Normally Khabib is a super chill guy, but then he just went apeshit crazy over religion and family. And uh, I know it’s built into our DNA. It’s like… how I was angry over the unfairness of D3, Khabib on religion and family is probably x1000 of that. Man, our biology is fucked up.

Don’t really wanna talk about religion. Okay, maybe I do a little. But uh, I definitely think religion is a net negative since people kill over religion and it’s obviously made up shit. It’s like killing someone over them not like Harry Potter or some shit. Which probably has happened in reality =

I got my place cleaned. It’s so great, she cleaned it so well. I just pay someone to clean my place now… even though it’s cheaper for me to pay myself to clean. It just feels so nice and they clean it so much better. I usually just leave the house now and trust that I don’t get robbed. Could I get robbed? Yeah, but it goes back to the situation. It’s always better to trust people. And the cleaning is so great.

I spent… more than 30 hours working on my mojave hackintosh. Sigh. It finally finished installing and booting. But I still have no graphics acceleration. I’ll be working on that for the rest of the day, and if it works. Hopefully I’ll be playing some D3 afterwards.

So much struggle and time spent on my hackintosh. For no real reason. Recently, I think I’ve been slightly depressed. Sigh. It’s like… the flu just triggered a depression because I can’t workout and shit. But now that I’m mostly recovered from the flu… I’m feeling a lot better. So excited to be able to workout again… and be at max power. Can’t wait.

shit got sick

2018-09-22 18:58:39 +0000

Right after things going too well. I got sick. Instant karma? Nah. Things can’t go well forever. That’s just… a fact. Getting sick is inevitable.

This whole week I was sick and miserable. I’m still not fully recovered. Fingers crossed for full recovery by Monday.

I went and tried a new HK style cafe in Manhattan chinatown. The food was mediocre. But. Peanut butter french toast. FOMG. So good. So fucking good.

Recently… before I got sick things were going really well. And I was having a feeling of… is this it? Like. This is the best it’ll ever be? But, no, I realize it’s not. It’s still gonna get better. I think you need to believe that it’ll get better in order for it to get better. Whatever you believe is true. It’s just the way your brain works. So if you believe that it’ll keep getting better and better then things will keep getting better and better.

There was… a moment of faulty wiring. When I slipped into.. negative thought patterns. But. I caught myself and stopped. Or maybe.. the sickness was what gave me a reset. Like. Bitch. You deserve to get sick for thinking negative stupid thoughts.

I feel like I’m a saiyan anyways. After this sickness… I’ll come by stronger than ever. I can feel my power level rising. kekeke. Seriously though. This week was a struggle in all areas but I limped through. And when I’m recovered. No more bullshit excuses and I’ll be on the up and up.

Ikea delivery failed me. No big deal. I can fix it. I finally got my chase sappire reserve. It’s so shiny. It’s strange. That I would identify with getting a credit card. Or that it even matters, but the reserve. It’s just so nice. I guess advertising and branding really works. The credit card is a part of my uh… style. Damn.

It’s almost end of september. Shit. I feel like time is speeding up again. Now that I’m… almost fully settled into Manhattan life. Time is starting to speed up. YABAI. It’s like… end of September. Then it’ll be Halloween, and thanksgiving… and Christmas. Then 2019! Oh shiet. haha.

It’s okay. I’m definitely enjoying the day to day a lot more. Living in Manhattan. Shit. It’s like… I don’t even believe. There was something I wanted to write more about but whatever.

I think things will still get better and better. There’s so many things I’m working on and the I’m still on the up and up. I’m thankful for that peanut butter french toast I had today. I’m thankful for the friend who knew I enjoy HK style cafe and bringing me there. I’m glad he’s crushing it and I’m sure I be crushing it too. Soon. Vacation is gonna be over once I’m recovered. I can feel my power rising. Oh yeah.

things going too well

2018-09-09 19:24:46 +0000

man. my life is so good. it’s literally the dream.

i finally started the good schedule. my weeks are no nice and well planned. it’s so good. monday to friday get to work at 740. play piano for 25 minutes and start work. gym and or brazilian jiu jitsu.

weekends. gym and video games. hanging out with friends. pretty amazing.

been meditating and reading more books. currently reading book on kubernetes and depression. reading the book on depression, i thought maybe i was a bit depressed. since i feel that… i should be happier given my circumstances, but… maybe it’s just adaptation for me. i dunno. but reading about real depression, it’s way different. it’s like… for them even showering is like… running a marathon level of mental energy. or even more. i dunno. i’ve never felt that so i feel thankful for being healthy.

ufc 228. woodley smashed till. i expected till to win, but somehow was cheering for woodley. i think it’s because i’m old now. even though i’m closer to till’s age than wonderboy. it’s like. i can see that eventually i’ll physically peak. i think theoretically i’m already past my physical peak, but since i’m not an elite athlete… training and shit still makes me stronger. but at some point… i’d say 33 ~ 36 the decline will inevitably happen.

so it’s weird. that i’m cheering for woodley. just because he’s an old man. i’m part of the old man team. which… also opened my mind. i finally get why every generation screws over the subsequent generation. it’s cause… they’re looking out for themselves. even though it’s their children’s generation… they still rather have things for themselves. it explains the nimbyism and stuff. it’s not that the government or the system is malicious… it’s the result of everyone looking after their own interests and stuff.

this weekend… so great. went to the gym saturday and sunday. saturday, i had a peanut butter and jelly for the first time in awhile. SO FUCKING GOOD. unbelievable. peanut butter and jelly. i honestly rate it higher in terms of taste and satisfaction than michelin star. no bullshit. peanut butter and jelly. i guess my taste buds are basic.

today i had all you can eat korean bbq, where they cook for you. followed by delicious cheese milk tea. so good. so good. life is too wonderful. there’s only a few missing pieces in the next few weeks before i can say i’m fully settled into new york. can’t wait to be fully settled.

i think… i’m always too hard on myself still. it’s like. i always think about being able to do more. could i run one more minute on the treadmill? yeah. what about one more rep at the gym? yeah. but.. i can’t extend that rep x infinity. at some point, i’ve hit my limit. it’s hard to know… when i’m trying my hardest. well. my philosophy is that it shouldn’t be hard. you gotta enjoy the process and take it easy. consistency over everything.

so. i guess things are great. i am being consistent. been playing hanon every day. i can feel my piano powers returning. soon i’ll be able to play without looking at my hands again, and with my eyes closed. can’t wait. wanna be learning your lie in april songs, and yiruma. and meditation music songs.

serral won 4x wcs. he’s the grand slam champion of wcs. it blows my mind. i think with the social media age… and the instant news age. it’s like. you only see the best of the best. so it makes it feel like you’re always falling behind. or that you could be doing more. like damn. but honestly, compared to where i was… i’m just so much better than before. and better than i imagined.

i’m still… on the up and up. and the best i’ve ever been. more the most part. i’ve actually gotten a bit weaker since japan, but that’s to be expected. japan was pure vacation and working out. now… i gotta work. but otherwise… everything is so on track. it blows my mind.

i’m thankful that … i’m finally feeling settled in new york. i’m thankful for the delicious korean bbq i had today, followed by cheese milk tea. i’m thankful… i get the play games on my linux workstation. it has a workstation class nvidia gpu with 6 cores and 64 gigs of ram. my mind is blown. my work desktop is the most powerful desktop i’ve gamed on. just enjoying the present. being thankful. and living the good cycle.

sometimes.. it’s like. every day i’m at the gym during work. it just brings a smile to my face. piano -> work -> gym -> lunch -> work work work. but the fact that i get piano, and gym in my work life. it’s like… fusing the dream life. i was just talking to my friend about this the other day. it’s like. my life is so good. there’s not much that i can do to make it better… because i built it this way.

i’m thankful i succeeded in building the life that i want to live. every day is almost the same. every day is great. life is good. and i’m thankful.

urgh. just been angry for no reason

2018-07-30 19:50:14 +0000

Things haven’t gone exactly as planned. And I’ve just been angry for no reason.

It’s for things totally outside of my control. Like. I literally can’t control what banks / governments / other people do. But it’s just… pissing me off. Stupid. I know. It’s like. I should only focus on the internal and my own actions, but I dunno. I’m getting negatively impacted.

I’m just like… the pressure on myself and the bar I apply to myself is too high. And I think… I just have a strong desire for things to be a certain way. Like. There’s this friend of mine. I got him a sick deal for an apartment in SF, I gave him like a $500 discount on my furniture… and all I asked for in return was holding onto my mail. Just holding it on, and mailing it to me. It’s like… fuck. People just take things for granted.

Sigh. I gotta let it go. I understand how it is. Or rather. There exist people like that who are just super self centered and don’t give a fuck. I would classify myself as one such person, but like when it’s been agreed upon beforehand. When people say they’ll do something and don’t come through. That just… urgh. Makes my blood boil.

Sigh. Let it go. Citi rejected me for a credit card. False positive on fraud. Sigh. Fucking bullshit. I opened a bank account with them specifically to avoid this situation. I updated my banking address and all that. Sigh. Fucking bullshit banks. They all have shitty service and a monopoly. It’s like. Government is fucked. Everything sucks. Fuck. I’m just angry for no reason.

Yeah. Sigh. It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m gonna take it slow. Meditate. Drink some more water. Okay. I’m calmer. Everything is gonna be great. It always is. Sigh. It always is.

Okay. Meditated for 20 minutes. Feel much more chill and zen. Everything is going to be okay. Actually, it’ll be better. Everything is going to be great.

2018 is gonna be great. Heh. It was great so far. Moved to NYC. Built my bed. I just can’t shake the feeling that… I’m waiting for the future to happen. Rather than enjoying the present. Gotta enjoy the present more. Heh.

I’m thankful for… chai latte made by a hipster barista. I’m thankful for 3x chocolate chip cookie freshly baked. I’m thankful for my shiny new keyboard and mouse that will complete my work setup. Life is good.

moved in for 10 days

2018-07-21 21:38:45 +0000

Still waiting on ikea furniture. And my new credit card. Citi credit card takes… forever to approve me. When I want the card urgently, they will take forever. When I don’t need a credit card for shit - it gets approved and next day’d to me. Story of my life. Murphy’s law? Or just… me remembering only the negative?

Typing this out on a ghetto standing desk above my stove. My laptop is above a roll of paper towels which is above my stove. Ghetto.

Been sleeping on a sleeping bag on top of a comforter on top of bed sheets… not enough padding. Not even a single futon level of Japan. My back hurts. Urgh. Weak. At first I thought… suffering builds character. But then… now it’s like. Suffering isn’t helping because my character has endured enough suffering. No need for pointless suffering.

Went to my first bjj class. It was google hosted. So great. Free class from a googler. I got… crushed. I’m kinda scared to put google and googler in my blog cause… you’re not suppose to write about anything. Well. I don’t think I should be too fearful. But at the same time… isn’t it obvious that what I write here is just ramblings of a crazy nerd?

Today woke up, wrote some code, drank some coffee. Went to the gym. Met up with a friend. Explored new york. Had ikinari steak in NYC. It’s uh… pretty much the exact same taste as tokyo. I’m so spoiled. But… new york. The dream has come true. My place… it’ll be complete within 3 more weeks.

I gotta schedule eye doctor, regular doctor and dentist. The triple daily checkups. Now that I got my coverage card. Gotta make sure my health is in order. I actually had a really freaky accident. I didn’t tell anyone because… I feel like saying it would make it true? Or bad? Actually, it’s more like I don’t want to scare my family. So the night before my flight into nyc… I woke up at like 2am to take a piss. After I took a piss… I blacked out and face planted. Yeah. I only blacked out from standing to… faceplant. I was fully conscious right after… and my first thought was… I’m gonna die now. My time is now. I’ve lived the good life. Later bitches.

Then. It was followed by. Fuck. I’m still alive. Life is gonna suck. Fuck. I gotta look at the damage. Fuck. I can feel my nose bleeding like shit… and possibly my teeth bleeding everywhere as well. Fuck. What if I black out again when I decide to get up? I think I was just super dehydrated. I felt really thirsty and kept drinking water. Was pretty paranoid. Anyways. There was blood flowing all over my face… it looked like I was hit by a truck or something. So that’s why people say they fell when it looked like they got their asses kicked. It looks… surprisingly similar.

Anyways. I fly over to uh… NYC and get my visa stamped at the airport. But.. flight day, I have essentially two black eyes and a huge cut on the side of my face. First day at work, I gotta take a picture for my badge. Yup. Black eye and fresh cut. That’s the picture on my badge…. forever. I guess that’ll be an interesting story for people who actually look at my badge in detail.

So my place has a dishwasher. I uh… spent an extra $300 a month to get the place with a dishwasher. Feels dumb. I’ve only used the dishwasher twice. And it was to prewash all my new dishes. Whatever. THe amount of rent I’m paying. It blows my mind. I uh… can’t believe I’m doing this. It’s a much bigger portion of my salary than what I’m comfortable with. Guess it means I gotta work really hard to get promoted.

The next three weeks are gonna be… finishing up my move in. Settling in. I’m uh, still living an essentially unscheduled life. I want to uh… get my routine going. It’s all about habits and building a virtuous cycle. The food is so good. My new place has no ac…which by itself is fine since I dream of living in a tropical place. I’m used to 25C at home. It’s just that currently there’s no chair or bed. So the forced ghetto standing desk is uh, exertion and causing me to sweat much more.

I’ve been feeling. Sigh. Not depressed but like… empty. Like. This is it? Like. I know it’s not. There’s so much more for me… but like. It’s that feeling of… when you’re dreams come true and you get the feeling of… it was so much better when I was imagining it. Dreaming about it felt better than achieving it in reality. I guess… it’s about the journey and not the destination… because when you reach the destination… it’s all about the journey.

And wow. My journey thus far. Has been dream coming true one after another. I set myself… a really ambitious dream for 2018 and 2019. That’s the amount of time I’ve given myself to reach the next level. The dream… it’s uh… so next level that even I have difficulty in believing it. But. I know that I gotta be the one to believe in it. I gotta believe and take action. That’s the only way for dreams to become reality.

From Toronto to SF. From SF to Tokyo. From Tokyo all around asia, amsterdam and now finally NYC. The city I’ve dreamed about living in. That… people all over the world dream about visiting and living in. I get this. I live in chelsea. I walked around Penn station and madison square guarden. The new york public library. I see tourists taking pictures. It’s just THERE. For me. My dream came true. Just writing that gave me a chill. I’m in new york. Damn son. It’s… crazy.

Been watching stuff on my tablet. Just. It’s like. Watching old episodes of friends. And other shows set in NYC. Like suits. I’m IN new york. That… still blows my mind. Lastly… well. I forgot what I was gonna write. Oh yeah. Feeling empty. Kinda demotivated recently… it’s like. Different. When I moved to tokyo. I knew what my year would look like… of course it was completely different. But getting to play Persona 5 in Tokyo in Japanese. Shit. That was surreal. I guess… I’ll just have to wait for my NYC dreams to become reality.

Man. I’m worried about that night time incident. It’s like… when I need to pee at night now…. I move extra slow. And I’m extra paranoid. Whatever. Gonna stop now. Life is good. Life is great. But… it feels less that I should be feeling I guess.

finally in nyc. work starts tomorrow

2018-07-08 20:31:29 +0000

Wow. It’s finally here. Or. I’m finally here. In Manhattan. NYC. Work starts tomorrow.

The weirdest thing. My time in Toronto. I couldn’t wait to leave Toronto. It was like… too long. But when it was time to leave. It was too short. I didn’t eat enough phoenix chicken.

Man. The weirdest and stupidest thing happened. I… faceplanted. Thursday night. The night before my flight. I was sleep deprived… and uh, tripped on the way to the toilet. Sleepy me didn’t have the reactions to put my hands out. So at around 3am I faceplanted, and it looked like I was hit by a car or something. Cut near my eye, blood running down my nose towards my mouth.

What I mean is that, I’m gonna show up to the first day of work with two black eyes, and a cut on the side of my face. Not that it matters cause I’m a software engineer. But. That was fucking unexpected. Not what I imagined.

The weirdest accident. I’m traumatized now. When I wake up at night I’m like… always scared now. I walk slow like an old man. Dafaq. Even though I know it’s unlikely that it’ll happen again. I guess… the animal is now feared. Logic gotta win though.

Been looking at apartments in nyc all of saturday and already put in an app. Fingers crossed, it’s the one I wanted. My #1 choice from the beginning of time. It’s 15 minutes walking from work at 10 minutes walking away from my future bjj gym. But… it’s so expensive.

Oh. It also has a dishwasher. I didn’t know I needed a dishwasher. Til I lived with my sister and I used a dishwasher. Damn. Like how I didn’t know about waterproof phones, and when I found out all my future phones gotta be waterproof. Now, all my future homes gotta have a dishwasher.

I’m excited to start work, but uh. Not looking forward. Well. I am looking forward to it I guess. But first few days, orientation and getting to work at 9am. Means I gotta wake up at 730. First world problems. I’m used to uh… getting to work at 10am.

I gotta wake up early, and take public transit. First world problem. Yeah. I’m spoiled. Whatever. Just one week of public transit and waking up earlier. Then I’ll be free. And living the dream. Weird. So weird. Living the dream.

life is so good but

2018-05-29 10:20:25 +0000

Really enjoying Toronto life. And Markham Life. It’s like… exactly like I envisioned it. Possibly better since, my sister got a condo downtown and I’ve been staying there. There’s a gym, and it’s walking distance to everything downtown.

But. I’m waiting on lawyers. I rather start work sooner. It’s like. I’m waiting for something outside of my control. I know that… it doesn’t help to be impatient. And worrying about shit outide your control is pointless. But it’s like… forced vacation is… not as enjoyable as chosen vacation.

Sigh. Even though my life is great. If I set a start date for late June, if I had planned that then that would’ve been good. But instead, I wanted to start in early May. Reality isn’t what I planned. It’s later… by a 6 weeks. 6 weeks of forced vacation. Sigh. All of it, is thinking. If I had planned for a late june start with a planned 6 week vacation. I’d be enjoying it so much more. It’s all just thinking though.

Sigh. Even though I know. It’s like. I always default to being slightly annoyed. That the lawyers are working so slow. Blargh.

Oh well. No big deal. Killed it at the gym yesterday. Had phoenix chicken and afternoon tea. Then had soup after dinner. Today I’m getting knife cut noodles from Pacific Mall. All the delicious food, and time with family that I envisioned.

Been playing D3. I was also playing Xenosaga 3 on PC. The Japanese version. My Japanese is so good. I can revisit old games like xenosaga and see how well the original translators did. What I’m trying to say is that… my life is so fucking good. But yet. I feel annoyed. Sigh. It’s just… the default. I think no matter what, people or me. Probably me, default to shit that sucks or shit that could be better. Rather than just enjoying.

I’m definitely enjoying. The weather is nice. Went out at 9am for coffee with Dad. It’s like… I’m at the coffee shop while other people are driving to work or commuting to work. And that feeling, it’s fucking wonderful.

Well. Well. Well. What I mean to say is. Life is good. No point in feeling bad about things outside my control. Just enjoy life. There’s no free will. So whatever happens happens and couldn’t have happened any other way. Life is good.

wow it's been one whole month

2018-04-04 21:53:27 +0000

So. Amsterdam happened. It was… pretty great. Fuck. My life is so good. It’s like. I need to take time to appreciate it.

Amsterdam was amazing. Kenny flew in before me. We got a sick place in Amsterdam. It was so nice. I remember talking to an amazon recruiter on the phone, while be served a latte. Oh man. It was just so good.

I’d say drugs are bad. Well. To me drugs aren’t bad. But. I can see how drugs can be addicting. Drugs can give you the feeling of intense achievement, without working for it. It’s like. An amazing feeling. But it’s also empty. I’ve been thinking.

It’s like. Somewhere, there’s this crazy person in an asylum. The chemicals in his brain. Imagine that he’s permanently happy and joyful. But he’s like… unable to function in society and just lives in a jail. But his brain and animal feelings just give him intense joy. Is that good or bad? Do I wanna be that person?

It’s like. I don’t believe in free will. So everything that happens happens and it couldn’t have happened any other way. It’s like the matrix. Which I recently watched again while I was in Malaysia.

I started studying for engineering interviews. It’s like I’m relearning things that I already knew. And honestly, every interview question. I have the tools to solve the problem, but sometimes my state is bad. Or my brain just doesn’t work. Blargh.

Looking forward to flying to Manhattan next week. It’s gonna be dope. Free flights, hotel and meals being paid for. Just to interview. I’m so spoiled. So. Spoiled.

I work hard. But I’m also lucky. I dunno. I also suffer. I had a really massive meal at Asia legend today.

Well. Either way. My prediction is me moving to Manhattan in May. That’s what I wanted. It’s what I’m working towards. I tend to get what I want and work towards. Life is strange in that regard.

almost a week in kuala lumpur

2018-03-07 20:20:46 +0000

Wow. March 7th. Damn. Time goes by so fast.

I just had delicious mango, and watermelon. The fruits, so amazing. Sliced, fresh and sweet. So cheap. Japan fruits were uh, sad and expensive.

The condo is so nice. 27th floor. It’s like… higher than any building I’ve stayed at almost. The view is pretty sweet. There’s a gym and swimming pool on the 11th floor. I don’t even have to leave the building to get to the gym and swimming pool. Damn. So spoiled. Went swimming today and had the pool all to myself. So nice.

I’ve just been in a really good mood recently. I guess… it’s cause I’m appreciating the struggle more. Well. I’m not really struggling right now. But it’s more of. Appreciating the work. It’s still hard to get to the gym, to put in the work. But it’s also enjoyable.

The flight from chiang mai to kuala lumpur uh, let’s just say ruined my zen. It was pretty rage inducing. With meditation and awareness, the rage is… less intense. But airport lines are just so fucked up. At the same time, travelling by air is a marvel of modern technology. Sigh. The dilemma. When I got to the kuala lumpur airport, the line was just retarded fucked up. But it was only 2 hours. I left the airport within 2 hours. So it’s not that bad.

Just that in those 2 hours, it’s basically standing in a non moving line carrying 50 pounds. Blat. Anyways. Airport lines ruined my zen. But it’s been a week and the long time of greatness in my luxury condo has made me reflect. The suffering was worth it. and in a way, the suffering is always worth it.

It’s been raining pretty much every day in kuala lumpur… but I don’t need to sightsee. Or leave my luxury condo. The view of the storms, from the 27th floor. So beautiful. Like. A tall condo. It’s just… looking out the balcony into the city. :) It’s just brings a smile to my face. I’m so thankful. That I get to experience the luxury condo life in asia. Future Alan will undoubtedly get a luxury condo that is on the 20th floor or higher. Preferable 50th floor or higher in the future.

I had triple burgers delivered to my place yesterday. Food delivery is wonderful. It’s.. just a weird feeling I guess. Like. My imagined future turned reality. And it’s so great. Damn. I guess I just gotta imagine a really nice future for myself in New York. One where… I’ll enjoy work to it’s fullest and live in a luxury condo. Or just a nice apartment in Manhattan. I’m certain NYC life will be great. Cause, I can envision it being even better than now.

I guess the point of the post is. I still need to work on my zen. Airport lines shouldn’t induce so much rage. Or. I’m the kind of person who is aware and zen and so… less rage at what can’t be changed. When I’m waiting in line. It can’t be helped.

Oh yeah. The supermarket is on the 1st floor of this building. The supermarket is indoors. It’s like. Mind blown. It’s even closer than Tokyo convenience stores. This is the future. Supermarket within the condo.

It’s weird. At first I thought Kuala Lumpur was a 3rd world country. To leave the airport via taxi. You HAD to buy a ticket. I was like. Why can’t I get on the taxi and pay with cash/card. Then after buying a ticket, the taxi driver had no gps and got lost 3x finding my place. Sigh. That’s retarded. I guess… the world just somehow works despite retardedness. But then… the supermarket within the condo. Genius. Also, most buildings in kuala lumpur and near where I’m staying. They’re all 20+ floors. I’d say most of them are 30+ floors. This makes North America architecture just… sad and uh. Old. A 3rd world country has nicer buildings and condo than Toronto, San Francisco, and NYC. NIMBY’s and greed from governments? I don’t even know. But rather than change the world, just change yourself. I’ll be moving to where the 30+ floor condos are instead of trying to fight retarded zoning laws.

That was a pretty big digression. Started emailing my people and setting up the feelers for job search. Life is great. It’s gonna be amazing time in Amsterdam. Harold and Kumar style with me and Kenny. So pumped. Life is good. All is well.

last day in chiang mai

2018-02-28 16:30:56 +0000

Wow. It’s my last day in Chiang Mai. Time went by… pretty fast.

I went to my last muay thai this morning. The dogs didn’t bark at me. For 2 days in a row I didn’t get barked at… just as the dogs start to remember me I gotta go. For 3 weeks, it was like… every day I would walk to Muay Thai, and for 2 minutes they would uh, scare the shit outta me. It’s weird because, logically. Rationally. I told myself it would be okay. In fact, I purposefully took that path to face my fears. But when the barking and chasing happens, it’s like. Fuck. It’s causing me to be nervous and twitchy.

Whatever. I faced my fears, woke up at 7:30 to go to Muay Thai for… 14 days outta 28. That’s pretty good. Wow. I only put in 15 hours of Muay Thai. It felt like… so long.

I’m thankful for all the delicious mango that I got to eat. Right by my place, there’s this fruit stall that sells mango slices for 10 baht a bag and I always get 2 bags. When I go to the grocery stores, I usually get 3 boxes of double mangoes all cut. Mango so delicious and so sweet. It’s pretty amazing.

I’ve been struggling to code in ios. Autolayout and uh, interface builder is not my thing. It’s weird but, the android xml layout is actually so much better. Or maybe I just learned it and mastered it so it feels better. I dunno. Gotta find someone who has mastered both and can properly judge.

Muay thai training was… I wouldn’t say hard. Well. It is tough, like clinch training, I’m sore for 3 days after the clinch days with sparring. The hardest part is just getting to the gym. Waking up at 730 and then getting there. That’s the hard part. Once you’re there, it’s all fun. I of course, had the added difficulty of the 2 minutes of uh, harassment lol.

But I did it. Discipline equals freedom. I kept repeating it to myself. Now I believe it, it’s true. Discipline does equal freedom. But it’s fucking hard to build discipline. Towards the end, I was just. It was harder to wake up early to meditate. I would lazy in bed before meditating later in the day. So in a way, muay thai ruined my wake -> meditation.

Some beats none though. And I always at least meditated for 5 minutes in the morning before muay thai. I feel like… my meditation is getting worse though. Not sure if I’m just more aware of when I’m off track… of if I’m actually off track more. That said, my awareness is concentration and mental toughness is definitely much better.

Never give up never surrender.

It’s weird. My trip to Chiang Mai. It’s like… everything I wanted to do happened. But it was so different from how I imagined it. The future won’t ever be exactly like you imagined it. But, things that you want to happen will happen. I guess? It’s like. Every time I predict or want something. Like today, on my last day I wanted to take a picture with all my classmates post muay thai training. Alex, this guy who usually goes every day, decided to not show up and I got a private class. I predicted at least Alex today in my class photo, but nope. Didn’t happen. I still got a photo with my trainer though so my muay thai photo happened, just not the way that I envisioned it. /shrug.

Soo lost in IEM. Once again, not what I envisioned. I envisioned watch Soo win the whole tournament. Damn. But I’ll still get to watch the tournament and enjoy all the sweet video games. Even though I know watching video games / watching sports is a waste of time… it’s like. The addiction. The dopamine. Damn. Sigh. Strange. Well. I wouldn’t classify it as an addiction since I know I can stop watching. I think it’s all about balance I guess. Work / Play. All work and no play makes homer go crazy. All work isn’t sustainable. Even though there are freaks of nature that can do all work, unfortunately I ain’t one of them.

Know what else is weird. Looking forward to shit. Like. I’m really looking forward to Toronto food, and playing D3 in Toronto. D3 new season just started. And getting the stash tabs, the griding, the dopamine. Damn. Son. Even though I should be enjoying Malaysia. Enjoying Amsterdam. I’m looking forward to both, and I’m sure I’ll enjoy both. But fantasizing about the future is pretty addicting.

Meditation definitely helped me to know myself better. And to be more present. That changes your enjoyment of things. Life is of course, great. Since I’m on vacation still. But life will be great when I move to new york. When I start working again. Life will be great. Cause, I’m great.

on dogs and nerves and rationality

2018-02-11 19:45:43 +0000

So. It’s been about 5 days since that… morning when two dogs barked and chased at me which made me hella nervous.

Since then I’ve been.. trying to uh. Be more aware of my encounter with dogs. Since then I’ve crossed paths with at least 10+ dogs. I’d say even 20. One of the closest dogs that I’ve crossed was like… less than 1 feet away from me. He minded his own business and I just walked by him. Well, actually I rounded a corner and didn’t see him til it was too late. And I didn’t want to make a sudden movement / detour.

So basically, barking dogs are rare. I’ve only been barked at once since then. And it was by dogs behind a fence because I paused in front of their house to check my phone. What this means is that, I should theoretically have nothing to fear. Barked twice -> no bite. Over 30 dogs no bites. Statistically, I’ll never get bitten. But, you can’t think that. That’s faulty logic because, it’s like saying. Because I ain’t dead I’ll never die. Which, is obviously false. It’s a tautalogy. Or whatever.

On the fear of dogs. It’s weird… because wearing pants make me less fearful vs wearing shorts when I’m walking to muay thai. But that’s just… irrational. Since, dogs can bite through jeans like it’s nothing. And it’s not even the fear of being bitten. I think it might just be… the fact that it’s unpredictable. Like. If someone told me. You’re gonna get bitten today by a dog. I’d be like. Okay. And go on with my day. The fact that some dogs are crazy just… that’s the scary part maybe.

Well. You can extrapolate that to humans. There exist humans that… are crazy. Murderers that kill for no reason or whatever. That’s some scary shit. But statistically, that’s really rare. Fear should correspond with the likeliness of something happening. Between me and a single dog even barehanded, I’m pretty sure I’d beat the dog if my life were on the line. Cause, I’m a monster. Well. I’m heavier than the dog. And weight dominates. What I’m trying to say is that, it’s the unknown and irrationality that’s scary. But. It’s never as scary as it seems.

So outta my irrational fear aka neuroticism I looked into some uh, dog behaviour stuff. Can dog detect fear? I don’t think so. But fear causes you to act… differently. Someone whose scared will twitch more. I think it’s the sudden movement that makes it more likely to be attacked. Also, the article said to avoid eye contact with the dog cause you’ll be challenging their alpha status with a fight.

Which brings me back. It’s funny. Alpha dog. Literally used to describe dogs and wolves. But I’m so use to the alpha male in the context of describing humans and leaders. And… I ain’t afraid of no alpha humans. Because we live in society where there are rules. Because of society, maybe we forget that we’re all animals. If you were born 300 years ago, you’d probably still need to hunt and kill shit to eat.

My brain is losing organization lol. Forget what I was trying to write. The point is, there are crazy people. People that don’t make sense. There are also crazy dogs. Dogs that will attack you regardless of territory or provokedness or anything. If it happens, it’s unfortunate but it’s like. Rare and fucked up. So no need to be scared. Don’t be stupid. But, the chances of it happening are pretty slim.

I started watching fate/apocrphyal or whatever. Watching it in Japanese with Japanese subs. My japanese is so good.

This week, watching GSL RO16 live. Scarlett beat Zest and Innovation. Wow. That’s like… I would’ve put the odds of that happening at 0. Like. 1/infinity. Especially, if you told me Scarlett would beat SoS, Zest, and Innovation. In a row. I’d be like. I’ll bet all my net worth on that not fucking happening.

But once again. I think.. it’s just hard work and never give up and never surrender. It’s simple in theory. Ask anyone. But, most people can’t do it. I guess… that’s the same with fitness. Everyone knows that to be healthy. Just eat less junk and exercise. Everyone knows but not everyone does. Cause it’s not easy.

Since we descended from animals. The fear is… primal. It’s like. I know to rationally to not be afraid of a barking dog. Because, bark != getting bitten. But. The animal dna is causing me to feel fear and alert. I’m ready. If it bites me. I’ll kick the shit outta it. Animal survival genes. I think society evolved faster than our dna which causes suffering and struggle.

I guess the moral of the rant is. Never give up never surrender. Humans are animals. Dogs are animals. Crazy animals exist. Fear should be proportional to the likelihood, but it isn’t cause animal dna changes slow.

almost week 1 in chiang mai

2018-02-07 21:49:00 +0000


That’s… I have a nice grin on my face just… appreciating and being thankful of where I am writing this. I’m currently in Chiang Mai. I’ll be in Chiang Mai until March 1st. But the reason that I’m so happy is that… this is literally what I envisioned and dreamed of. It’s weird… everything that I’ve wanted for my future came true. But that’s been written about before. I’m just thankful. Hard work and luck. I dunno. But either way. Life is great in Chiang Mai. It’s t-shirt and shorts weather.

I’ve already been to Muay Thai classes twice. At first I wanted to do muay thai 5 times a week. After my first class on Monday, I woke up Tuesday morning aching all over. So I didn’t go Tuesday. I went today though which is Wednesday. I’m planning on going again Friday.

Sigh. My left leg is still injured. It got injured because my mental was actually stronger than my body. Which is both good and bad. It’s good to be mentally strong and infallable. But.. when it leads to an injury it actually slows down your overall progress. What happened was… I was jogging and going to the gym in China. But… there was gonna be a period of break/no gym. Cause it was cold or whatever. So I figured… more rest days ahead. Push myself and go all out. Then, left leg gets injured and now it hurts whenever I run or step one it. Sigh. I’ve been… uh. Compensating though… which is probably bad. Make me pickup some bad muay thai habits. Meh. No big deal.

I got my laundry picked up and delivered in Chiang Mai. For… $4. The laundry was picked up and my door… and now it’s folded in a ziplocked bad. $4. Fuck. My mind is blown. Using washio in SF… it cost me $80. That’s 20x. No wonder washio went under. Everything is cheap in Chiang Mai. Just like the bloggers said. Mocha is 35 baht. Which is <$2. Noodles / Rice dishes can be 40 baht which is… <$2. Damn. Food and laundry so cheap.

But… mosquitoes everywhere. Urgh. When I eat outdoors in streets, bugs everywhere. Also, it’s not english friendly, I just point to random items on the menu and it’s a roulette. Hope I don’t get something super spicy or weird. It’s the food roulette. Stray dogs barked and chased at me and I was… super scared. Like… how do I explain it. It’s like… the dog triggered intense fight or flight almost. I just kept walking and it just chased me barking but didn’t get bit. But - that was a uh, tramatizing moment. I’m just watching this Joe Rogan podcast when he talks to Steven Pinker. Basically, we’re all wired to respond to negativity more. All the greatness and amazingness of Chiang Mai. One negative wild dog experience, or a few mosquito bites. And that’s all you remember. In a way, it’s true. Biologically, I think humans are wired like that. That’s why it’s important to be thankful and meditate. I’ve been meditating 20 minutes per day for awhile now. It’s uh. On one hand, it feels like a waste of my life. On the other hand.. it’s like… turning me more mentally aware and strong. Weird. I’m just gonna keep doing it.

I woke up at 730 to meditate before going to Muay Thai. I can’t believe that I would wake up at 730. But I did. My shins are busted. I can kick more than my shins can handle. Gonna go to a thai massage tomorrow. OMG. 1.5 hours of thai massage is… 400 baht. That’s… <$20. Omg. Like. I remember doing a groupon for 2 hours of thai massage… and it was $200. Damn. Gonna get a massage every other day. Treat yoself.

I think one of the effects of my meditation is… I’m just more aware of my emotions and maybe it’s given me more calm and compassion. The other day I got my best thai massage by an old man. He was pretty magical. But it was in those lower tier places where you don’t have a private room. So I had to share the room with a huge group of like 7 loud ass chinese / taiwan tourists. And there was a kid there. So this is my thought. Fuck. Why does a kid get a massage man. You are way spoiling your kid and fucking up his future. I didn’t get to travel until I graduated high school. I definitely didn’t get anything remotely luxurious compared to a massage as a kid. But, that’s judgement and whatever. Sigh. It’s simply the way the world is. Kids get bought ferrari’s. I wish I got that. It’s like… I dunno. Just a form of attachment. Judging or wanting the world to be a certain way when you can’t control it. It’s like. Fuck. I wish there weren’t retarded people in this world. Okay. That’s probably not PC enough. By retarded, oh yeah. The Joe Rogan talk also had talks on uh… the modern PC and how everyone is out to judge you. And it’s hard to communicate via text because there’s no back and forth. What I mean is that, I wish the world made more sense and was more rational. Instead, we have shit that makes no sense. Shit that makes no sense is retarded. People that make no sense is retarded. People believing the world is flat. Fuck. That’s retarded. Okay. I’m gonna stop now.

Anyways, the kid kept giggling cause he was ticklish. And he was making a lot of noise which was annoying. But I just became aware of my attachment and tried to let it go. I was ticklish as a kid. Also, he’s probably trying to not be loud, he just can’t control himself. Whatever. No big deal. The massage even with the annoying kid and super loud chinese people, was the best thai massage thus far. Given to me by an old man.

I’ve been reading vinland saga in coffee shops. And today I was having coffee, reading vinland saga, and watching starcraft 2 live on my cellphone. It was a pretty high feeling. Like. Damn. Reading manga, in a coffee shop, in 25C sunny weather, in chiang mai. While live streaming starcraft to my cellphone on twitch. Damn. One part of me wished that I could take a picture for social media. My time away from social media… since china blocked it is… it’s definitely bad. Why would I want to share my peak experience. The important thing is that I experienced it in the present and I remember. But I’ve been programmed to want to share it somehow. Damn. Social media is social engineering. Ouch. At least I’m aware.

Scarlett beat SoS in Starcraft 2 to win her first… major tournament. Oh. Federer also been winning Grand Slams. It’s like… never give up never surrender. I’m hoping Soo will win the next GSL. That’s attachment. Oh. I’ve also finished both season of boku no hero academia. Damn. Shounen just… I’ve been programmed. Shounen is like… a drug. Like. Boku no hero academia gave me sick nerd chills and so much feels. Reminded me of gurren lagann. Good prevails through. Good struggles and loses but persevere and and wins. It just… what’s the word. More social programming. It’s like. I wish the world was shounen like. But it’s not. ‘Evil’ runs rampant and rules etc etc. There’s no good or evil but only thinking makes it so? That’s like high school philosophy class right there. That was a major digression, but I still have the belief that hard work -> success. When I know that plenty of people put in hard work and end up nowhere.

I’ve started reading rationality from A-Z. It’s uh… I thought I was rational, but of course I still have my blind spots. It’s like… sometimes you have a belief of a belief. And it becomes your identity that you are a believer. It’s like faith. And sometimes when you have faith you reject evidence which is bad. Fortunately, reality usually shines through. There’s only one reality afterall. I’ll get to test my beliefs against reality. By May of this year. But for now. I’m enjoying the present life in Chiang Mai.

Let’s see. Injury. Muay Thai. Cheap food. Social Media. Rationality and judgement / attachment. I guess… I am growing. I think… the chinese loud tourists would’ve annoyed me much more prior to meditation. They still annoyed me. But it was… I was aware, and so the negativity was lessened. And I still enjoyed the best thai massage thus far.

I was really tramatized by the wild dogs. But then… rationality and awareness… I’m still gonna take the same path and walk the same walk when I see dogs. Unless I see a pack of dogs, then I’m gonna turn around cause I don’t think I can take a pack of wild dogs and that’s too risky lol.

Also realized that learning styles is important. I really didn’t enjoy my time at the University of Waterloo. Sure. I somehow managed to learn everything they taught, and it gave me the foundations to become a good software engineer. But now, I’m going through machine learning via coursera. And it reminds me. It’s too academic. I hate having one correct answer. In the real world, there are problems and there are solutions. That’s what employment and exceling in work is… so much better for me.

I think I’m just gonna force myself to brute force sit through the lectures… then try out some side projects. Just like how I never managed to learn japanese academically, but one year of Tokyo gave me my desired fluency. I gotta learn things my own style.

Oh yeah. Thailand internet is… pretty first world. I’d say it’s even better than America/Canada/China. That wifi at the coffeeshop? It was a solid 50M. I ran and it rated it as 30 megabytes download. Shit son. Shit son. The internet, it’s the great world equalizer. Thailand is more first world than America/China/Canada.

That’s all I’m gonna write about for now. Oh man. Life is so good. I’m still on the up and up.