thankful 2018

So much to be thankful for. It’s been a great day, a great week a great month and a great year. Damn. It’s like… my life keeps going up and up… and it literally keeps getting better and better. And… I think… of like reversion to mean… or like things can’t be good forever. And it’s true, eventually when I get sick… I just get sad. But I’m healthy as fuck now and life is fucking great. So thankful.

I went to the gym today. Still recovering my sprained finger from doing brazilian jiu jitsu. I told myself I’d start bjj after moving to manhattan. And I did. And it’s so much fun. Like… it corrected my belief that the sport is full of meatheads who want to uh… murk you. People that do BJJ are super nice and I think the higher the belt the more… safe you are. You’re less likely to get injured by a purple belt than a white belt. It’s just been so much fun. My hand is injured, but it happens. Just gotta rest and keep going.

I’m thankful for BJJ and the people I’ve met through it. So I went to the gym, toughed it out today. I bought all the shit that I wanted and probably didn’t need in order to hit my minimum spend for sapphire reserve. So I’ll have $500 for flights next year because I bought myself all the toys I’ve wanted. Literally, all the toys I want for myself… will be arriving within a week.

I bought a new gaming laptop along with ram, ssd x2, video games, a nintendo switch, 2x 27 inch monitors with a new monitor stand. What’s funny is I bought myself a benq gaming mouse that I’ve always wanted… and it’s my 3rd mouse and I haven’t even opened it yet since I bought it. So much for minimalism huh.

I started the year out… in China. From China, to Thailand, to Malaysia, to Amsterdam, returning to Toronto and then moving to Manhattan. It’s like… I’ve dreamed of Manhattan and it came true. I got a nice fancy dishwasher that I use once a week. So fucking spoiled.

I’m thankful for my coworkers at Google. We played CS:GO friday afternoon cause it was a half day pretty much. So much fun, and it’s like… I recognize that I’m now in a whole other level compared to before. Like, I spent $15 for 3 hours of video gaming with friends… and it was totally worth it.

I started working on some of my android coding projects again. It’s uh… I’m thankful old me wrote the garbage v1 that lets present me do a rebuild from scratch giving me clean code and inspiration.

I realize that… I just always look forward to the next thing. And uh, the next thing will be great. No doubt. But I definitely gotten better at enjoying the present and what I have. I’m always thankful. I stop to enjoy the beautiful manhattan scenery when I’m on the 14th floor looking out.

Things are on track, everything I envisioned for 2018. It’s come true. Once fucking again. It’s so fucking weird. Like… people always talk about visualization and like… hard work. Or like… whatever you think will happen will come true. And it’s… it keeps surprising me. Whatever… I want for myself in the future… it’s happening. It’s freaky as fuck. But so fucking good.

Of course, I fail to see some negatives. Like that monster roach in my toilet which uh… traumatized me. But that’s just… minor. Nothing I can’t handle. I think… there is nothing that I can’t handle. Cause, I solve problems and there are no unsolvable problems that’s been presented to me in my life.

One thing that I’ve been thinking of.. is that maybe I’ve been playing it too safe. I’ve been reading this book on the art of superman… and it says that you can access flow when you’re life is in danger. What they say is true, when you’re in danger, and your life is about to end - time DOES slow down. Because your body is trying to survive so fucking hard. And… I haven’t ever truly burned my bridges or been put into a situation where that flow hit me.

Flow is addicting. That’s why I always try to learn a new skill. Learning a new skill gets you into the flow state which makes you feel happy. Flow is like the ultimate drug. So november is almost over and december followed by Christmas and New Years is right around the corner.

I’m thankful for all my material possessions, but I’m more thankful for.. the skills and person that I’ve become. The journey for all the stuff does just make you better. I’m doing no shave november so I look like a bum.. but it’s cool. I still can’t grow a… full beard. Sad.

I’ve been planning out what I want for myself even more. Because… if you ain’t improving you’re declining. I think… I got a little complacent and stagnant. It’s like… I’ve become the champion and everyone wants to take my spot. But nah, I realize I’m far from champion. I still gotta grind, and work hard, and I’ve still got so much further to go. But - I enjoy the grind. The mental training. Mental trumps everything I think. And I’m still weak. I’m strong - but I’m weak. I could be much stronger… and I strive to become stronger.

Clarified my goals and the processes. Just gonna enjoy Manhattan. I’m thankful. Life is good. Too good. :)

fucked up beliefs and feelings

Summary of my day before the thesis. Woke up, got my apartment cleaned while I went to the office to practice piano. My sprained finger isn’t causing too much issue. I’m still far from the level that I used to be. I use to play to zanarkand with my eyes closed and via memory perfectly with a 3 difficulty. Now I can barely play it with sheet music with a 8 difficulty and I can’t play the softness properly. Sadface. But… practice and recovery. I’m certain I can surpass my old piano self via hard work and dedication. I’m certain.

Then I ran… 4 intervals of great incline. It was… quite mentally challenging. But funny, it wasn’t challenging enough for me to reach 2nd wind. When doing cardio, I think… it gets really fucking hard. And once you push through the really fucking hard, it magically becomes easier. Those are the sessions that train your mental and physical. When you break through, and it becomes easier through sheer will. It’s okay. I did.

I went to animenyc cause my friend told me about it. Tickets were all sold out, and I didn’t want to pay $45 to uh… enter on a sunday for 1 hour. So I just walked over planning to wander the convention center. I tried to walk to some restricted area.. and the guy was like. YO. WHERE YOUR BADGE AT SON. and I was like. Oh shit. Run. lool. but honestly, he just prevented me from going in. I wasn’t gonna go to jail or any shit like that.

Okay. Plan to obtain badge. It’s like a video game. So I walk outside the convention center looking for people who are leaving and I’m planning on asking them for their badges. In the past, people who are leaving would sometimes randomly give me their badges. So in my mind… I know that getting a badge from someone whose leaving and has no use of it… it’s like a 3/10 difficulty. You don’t even need skill, you just need to ask. And I have no problems asking or talking to strangers. But. Fuck. For some reason. It was REALLY fucking hard. To get my body to take action. It’s like. Sigh. I wish I could control myself as a video game character. I think that’s what meditation is really all about. Transcending the self, observing, and directing. If I could control myself as a video game character… my stats would probably be near maxed and I’d already achieved all my dreams. I think. In the same way that… I see fat people and think. Dafaq. You don’t want to fat, yet you won’t do the most basic and easy thing which is eat healthy and exercise. For me… it’s. I know what I want.. but I don’t do the hard work to get what I want. Or like… I just sabotage and make bullshit excuses to not do shit.

Okay. So decided on obtaining badge. I ask this guy if he’s leaving and he’s like. Oh. He’s coming back. He knows I want his badge but he’s returning so can’t. No biggie. First guy. A nearby dude, who heard me asking was like. Yo, you want a badge to get in? I’m like. Yeah. And he just gives me his badge cause he’s done with it. Man. You the REAL MVP. So basically I asked one guy and I got a badge.

One of my personal beliefs that’s been… realized is. Whenever I want to do something, whenever I take the proper actions towards doing something. When I tell the world - this is what I want. It’s probably not the way I envisioned, but it fucking happens. I didn’t envision a stranger not being the guy I was asking giving me his badge. But I did envision getting a badge. Which I got.

Newly acquired badge. Man. Life is like a video game, that was a fetch quest. LOL. I get to walk around artist alley and stuff. I’m just feeling super nervous. It’s weird. Like. The nervous, doesn’t correspond with reality. I’m in a super safe place. Like… there’s literally no danger whatsoever. In any shape or form, but my nerves are just giving me anxiety for no fucking reason. Fuck. Fucked up biology and beliefs. I’m like… surrounded by nerds. Otaku. My people. I’m just… smiling to myself, like. dafaq. I’m with my people and I feel anxious. WTF.

So I think. I just struggle with showing weakness. Like. Writing about how I’m nervous… even though I know.. like there’s probably 5 readers who will never meet me in person. It’s like… writing about my own weakness… goes against what I believe in. Anyways, I see a genderbend vegeta. She’s super cute so I go up and talk to her. And I was already nervous… talking to her original spikes my nerves even higher.

she was super nice and warm. And honestly, it was easy. The interaction was easy and warm. THe nice guy who gave me his badge. It’s like… I know the world is filled with nice people. And I know that believing the world is filled with nice people - being optimistic is good for you. And yet, It’s like I never learn. I just keep thinking everyone is evil and out to get me or some bullshit. Sigh. My biology is fucked up.

doing the right thing and emotions

Hmmm. Few things I wanted to write about since it’s been awhile. My D3 incident. Doing the right thing. Emotions and feeling like it. Also khabib vs conor. Also the unseen struggles and hard work.

I’ve been playing a lot of D3 on the work mac lately… probably not good but I’m still recovering from flu and uh… injury. But that aside… today I was doing split bounties and I was doing my share of the work and then I got kicked. My initial reaction was being pissed off. Those fuckers just kicked me for no reason. Well. It wasn’t no reason because otherwise they wouldn’t have did it. Some people just wanna watch the world burn. But, that’s irrelevant.

I was super pissed off and sad. About 15 minutes of my life wasted. Man. I was fucking robbed. Rationally, I knew it was no big deal. It’s just a video game. I’m playing just to have fun. But like, that incident just… pissed me off. It was fucking unfair shit. Thing is, life is unfair. That’s just reality. The other reality? It’s always better to be optimistic, and cooperative. The optimal game strategy is… tit for tat forgiveness, but it’s hard man. Like, biologically. Fuck that guy. But rationally and philosophically? He has no free will so it’s like. Whatever he did there was a reason for it.

Afterwards, I kept doing bounties and it was fair and fun. Split bounties means you generally get shit done at at least 3x the speed. So, I lost 1x. But I did 3x 3x which means even though I got scammed, I still came out ahead by trusting strangers. Because cooperation is good. It’s like. It’s always better to be optimistic and then get scammed because in the long run, trusting and group cooperation is bad. But at the same time… the emotions of it. Fuck. I’m translating that to other things, and that happens so much in everything.

I’ve just been eating junk recently. And uh, every night I’ve been bitten by a fucking mosquito. It’s driving me nuts. Everytime I kill a mosquito. It’s like. Hallulujah. I’m gonna be safe tonight. THen the next morning I wake up with a painful and itchy bite. Fack. But. That’s a situation where, getting angry and pissed off doesn’t do shit. Being paranoid and always looking for a mosquito around me, doesn’t do shit. It just makes me angry and nervous anxious for no reason. It goes back to, it’s always better to be cooperative. It’s always better to not give a shit about mosquitoes because I gotta focus on more important things. But fuck, mosquitoes take up WAY too much of my head space. Way too fucking much.

So the degree of how pissed off I was at a random dude on D3 who wronged me. Is uh, crazy. Khabib vs Conor was a sick fight. Afterwards Khabib did some retarded shit because he was angry. The other guy insulted his religion and father. And uh, it’s like. Normally Khabib is a super chill guy, but then he just went apeshit crazy over religion and family. And uh, I know it’s built into our DNA. It’s like… how I was angry over the unfairness of D3, Khabib on religion and family is probably x1000 of that. Man, our biology is fucked up.

Don’t really wanna talk about religion. Okay, maybe I do a little. But uh, I definitely think religion is a net negative since people kill over religion and it’s obviously made up shit. It’s like killing someone over them not like Harry Potter or some shit. Which probably has happened in reality =

I got my place cleaned. It’s so great, she cleaned it so well. I just pay someone to clean my place now… even though it’s cheaper for me to pay myself to clean. It just feels so nice and they clean it so much better. I usually just leave the house now and trust that I don’t get robbed. Could I get robbed? Yeah, but it goes back to the situation. It’s always better to trust people. And the cleaning is so great.

I spent… more than 30 hours working on my mojave hackintosh. Sigh. It finally finished installing and booting. But I still have no graphics acceleration. I’ll be working on that for the rest of the day, and if it works. Hopefully I’ll be playing some D3 afterwards.

So much struggle and time spent on my hackintosh. For no real reason. Recently, I think I’ve been slightly depressed. Sigh. It’s like… the flu just triggered a depression because I can’t workout and shit. But now that I’m mostly recovered from the flu… I’m feeling a lot better. So excited to be able to workout again… and be at max power. Can’t wait.

shit got sick

Right after things going too well. I got sick. Instant karma? Nah. Things can’t go well forever. That’s just… a fact. Getting sick is inevitable.

This whole week I was sick and miserable. I’m still not fully recovered. Fingers crossed for full recovery by Monday.

I went and tried a new HK style cafe in Manhattan chinatown. The food was mediocre. But. Peanut butter french toast. FOMG. So good. So fucking good.

Recently… before I got sick things were going really well. And I was having a feeling of… is this it? Like. This is the best it’ll ever be? But, no, I realize it’s not. It’s still gonna get better. I think you need to believe that it’ll get better in order for it to get better. Whatever you believe is true. It’s just the way your brain works. So if you believe that it’ll keep getting better and better then things will keep getting better and better.

There was… a moment of faulty wiring. When I slipped into.. negative thought patterns. But. I caught myself and stopped. Or maybe.. the sickness was what gave me a reset. Like. Bitch. You deserve to get sick for thinking negative stupid thoughts.

I feel like I’m a saiyan anyways. After this sickness… I’ll come by stronger than ever. I can feel my power level rising. kekeke. Seriously though. This week was a struggle in all areas but I limped through. And when I’m recovered. No more bullshit excuses and I’ll be on the up and up.

Ikea delivery failed me. No big deal. I can fix it. I finally got my chase sappire reserve. It’s so shiny. It’s strange. That I would identify with getting a credit card. Or that it even matters, but the reserve. It’s just so nice. I guess advertising and branding really works. The credit card is a part of my uh… style. Damn.

It’s almost end of september. Shit. I feel like time is speeding up again. Now that I’m… almost fully settled into Manhattan life. Time is starting to speed up. YABAI. It’s like… end of September. Then it’ll be Halloween, and thanksgiving… and Christmas. Then 2019! Oh shiet. haha.

It’s okay. I’m definitely enjoying the day to day a lot more. Living in Manhattan. Shit. It’s like… I don’t even believe. There was something I wanted to write more about but whatever.

I think things will still get better and better. There’s so many things I’m working on and the I’m still on the up and up. I’m thankful for that peanut butter french toast I had today. I’m thankful for the friend who knew I enjoy HK style cafe and bringing me there. I’m glad he’s crushing it and I’m sure I be crushing it too. Soon. Vacation is gonna be over once I’m recovered. I can feel my power rising. Oh yeah.

things going too well

man. my life is so good. it’s literally the dream.

i finally started the good schedule. my weeks are no nice and well planned. it’s so good. monday to friday get to work at 740. play piano for 25 minutes and start work. gym and or brazilian jiu jitsu.

weekends. gym and video games. hanging out with friends. pretty amazing.

been meditating and reading more books. currently reading book on kubernetes and depression. reading the book on depression, i thought maybe i was a bit depressed. since i feel that… i should be happier given my circumstances, but… maybe it’s just adaptation for me. i dunno. but reading about real depression, it’s way different. it’s like… for them even showering is like… running a marathon level of mental energy. or even more. i dunno. i’ve never felt that so i feel thankful for being healthy.

ufc 228. woodley smashed till. i expected till to win, but somehow was cheering for woodley. i think it’s because i’m old now. even though i’m closer to till’s age than wonderboy. it’s like. i can see that eventually i’ll physically peak. i think theoretically i’m already past my physical peak, but since i’m not an elite athlete… training and shit still makes me stronger. but at some point… i’d say 33 ~ 36 the decline will inevitably happen.

so it’s weird. that i’m cheering for woodley. just because he’s an old man. i’m part of the old man team. which… also opened my mind. i finally get why every generation screws over the subsequent generation. it’s cause… they’re looking out for themselves. even though it’s their children’s generation… they still rather have things for themselves. it explains the nimbyism and stuff. it’s not that the government or the system is malicious… it’s the result of everyone looking after their own interests and stuff.

this weekend… so great. went to the gym saturday and sunday. saturday, i had a peanut butter and jelly for the first time in awhile. SO FUCKING GOOD. unbelievable. peanut butter and jelly. i honestly rate it higher in terms of taste and satisfaction than michelin star. no bullshit. peanut butter and jelly. i guess my taste buds are basic.

today i had all you can eat korean bbq, where they cook for you. followed by delicious cheese milk tea. so good. so good. life is too wonderful. there’s only a few missing pieces in the next few weeks before i can say i’m fully settled into new york. can’t wait to be fully settled.

i think… i’m always too hard on myself still. it’s like. i always think about being able to do more. could i run one more minute on the treadmill? yeah. what about one more rep at the gym? yeah. but.. i can’t extend that rep x infinity. at some point, i’ve hit my limit. it’s hard to know… when i’m trying my hardest. well. my philosophy is that it shouldn’t be hard. you gotta enjoy the process and take it easy. consistency over everything.

so. i guess things are great. i am being consistent. been playing hanon every day. i can feel my piano powers returning. soon i’ll be able to play without looking at my hands again, and with my eyes closed. can’t wait. wanna be learning your lie in april songs, and yiruma. and meditation music songs.

serral won 4x wcs. he’s the grand slam champion of wcs. it blows my mind. i think with the social media age… and the instant news age. it’s like. you only see the best of the best. so it makes it feel like you’re always falling behind. or that you could be doing more. like damn. but honestly, compared to where i was… i’m just so much better than before. and better than i imagined.

i’m still… on the up and up. and the best i’ve ever been. more the most part. i’ve actually gotten a bit weaker since japan, but that’s to be expected. japan was pure vacation and working out. now… i gotta work. but otherwise… everything is so on track. it blows my mind.

i’m thankful that … i’m finally feeling settled in new york. i’m thankful for the delicious korean bbq i had today, followed by cheese milk tea. i’m thankful… i get the play games on my linux workstation. it has a workstation class nvidia gpu with 6 cores and 64 gigs of ram. my mind is blown. my work desktop is the most powerful desktop i’ve gamed on. just enjoying the present. being thankful. and living the good cycle.

sometimes.. it’s like. every day i’m at the gym during work. it just brings a smile to my face. piano -> work -> gym -> lunch -> work work work. but the fact that i get piano, and gym in my work life. it’s like… fusing the dream life. i was just talking to my friend about this the other day. it’s like. my life is so good. there’s not much that i can do to make it better… because i built it this way.

i’m thankful i succeeded in building the life that i want to live. every day is almost the same. every day is great. life is good. and i’m thankful.

urgh. just been angry for no reason

Things haven’t gone exactly as planned. And I’ve just been angry for no reason.

It’s for things totally outside of my control. Like. I literally can’t control what banks / governments / other people do. But it’s just… pissing me off. Stupid. I know. It’s like. I should only focus on the internal and my own actions, but I dunno. I’m getting negatively impacted.

I’m just like… the pressure on myself and the bar I apply to myself is too high. And I think… I just have a strong desire for things to be a certain way. Like. There’s this friend of mine. I got him a sick deal for an apartment in SF, I gave him like a $500 discount on my furniture… and all I asked for in return was holding onto my mail. Just holding it on, and mailing it to me. It’s like… fuck. People just take things for granted.

Sigh. I gotta let it go. I understand how it is. Or rather. There exist people like that who are just super self centered and don’t give a fuck. I would classify myself as one such person, but like when it’s been agreed upon beforehand. When people say they’ll do something and don’t come through. That just… urgh. Makes my blood boil.

Sigh. Let it go. Citi rejected me for a credit card. False positive on fraud. Sigh. Fucking bullshit. I opened a bank account with them specifically to avoid this situation. I updated my banking address and all that. Sigh. Fucking bullshit banks. They all have shitty service and a monopoly. It’s like. Government is fucked. Everything sucks. Fuck. I’m just angry for no reason.

Yeah. Sigh. It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m gonna take it slow. Meditate. Drink some more water. Okay. I’m calmer. Everything is gonna be great. It always is. Sigh. It always is.

Okay. Meditated for 20 minutes. Feel much more chill and zen. Everything is going to be okay. Actually, it’ll be better. Everything is going to be great.

2018 is gonna be great. Heh. It was great so far. Moved to NYC. Built my bed. I just can’t shake the feeling that… I’m waiting for the future to happen. Rather than enjoying the present. Gotta enjoy the present more. Heh.

I’m thankful for… chai latte made by a hipster barista. I’m thankful for 3x chocolate chip cookie freshly baked. I’m thankful for my shiny new keyboard and mouse that will complete my work setup. Life is good.

moved in for 10 days

Still waiting on ikea furniture. And my new credit card. Citi credit card takes… forever to approve me. When I want the card urgently, they will take forever. When I don’t need a credit card for shit - it gets approved and next day’d to me. Story of my life. Murphy’s law? Or just… me remembering only the negative?

Typing this out on a ghetto standing desk above my stove. My laptop is above a roll of paper towels which is above my stove. Ghetto.

Been sleeping on a sleeping bag on top of a comforter on top of bed sheets… not enough padding. Not even a single futon level of Japan. My back hurts. Urgh. Weak. At first I thought… suffering builds character. But then… now it’s like. Suffering isn’t helping because my character has endured enough suffering. No need for pointless suffering.

Went to my first bjj class. It was google hosted. So great. Free class from a googler. I got… crushed. I’m kinda scared to put google and googler in my blog cause… you’re not suppose to write about anything. Well. I don’t think I should be too fearful. But at the same time… isn’t it obvious that what I write here is just ramblings of a crazy nerd?

Today woke up, wrote some code, drank some coffee. Went to the gym. Met up with a friend. Explored new york. Had ikinari steak in NYC. It’s uh… pretty much the exact same taste as tokyo. I’m so spoiled. But… new york. The dream has come true. My place… it’ll be complete within 3 more weeks.

I gotta schedule eye doctor, regular doctor and dentist. The triple daily checkups. Now that I got my coverage card. Gotta make sure my health is in order. I actually had a really freaky accident. I didn’t tell anyone because… I feel like saying it would make it true? Or bad? Actually, it’s more like I don’t want to scare my family. So the night before my flight into nyc… I woke up at like 2am to take a piss. After I took a piss… I blacked out and face planted. Yeah. I only blacked out from standing to… faceplant. I was fully conscious right after… and my first thought was… I’m gonna die now. My time is now. I’ve lived the good life. Later bitches.

Then. It was followed by. Fuck. I’m still alive. Life is gonna suck. Fuck. I gotta look at the damage. Fuck. I can feel my nose bleeding like shit… and possibly my teeth bleeding everywhere as well. Fuck. What if I black out again when I decide to get up? I think I was just super dehydrated. I felt really thirsty and kept drinking water. Was pretty paranoid. Anyways. There was blood flowing all over my face… it looked like I was hit by a truck or something. So that’s why people say they fell when it looked like they got their asses kicked. It looks… surprisingly similar.

Anyways. I fly over to uh… NYC and get my visa stamped at the airport. But.. flight day, I have essentially two black eyes and a huge cut on the side of my face. First day at work, I gotta take a picture for my badge. Yup. Black eye and fresh cut. That’s the picture on my badge…. forever. I guess that’ll be an interesting story for people who actually look at my badge in detail.

So my place has a dishwasher. I uh… spent an extra $300 a month to get the place with a dishwasher. Feels dumb. I’ve only used the dishwasher twice. And it was to prewash all my new dishes. Whatever. THe amount of rent I’m paying. It blows my mind. I uh… can’t believe I’m doing this. It’s a much bigger portion of my salary than what I’m comfortable with. Guess it means I gotta work really hard to get promoted.

The next three weeks are gonna be… finishing up my move in. Settling in. I’m uh, still living an essentially unscheduled life. I want to uh… get my routine going. It’s all about habits and building a virtuous cycle. The food is so good. My new place has no ac…which by itself is fine since I dream of living in a tropical place. I’m used to 25C at home. It’s just that currently there’s no chair or bed. So the forced ghetto standing desk is uh, exertion and causing me to sweat much more.

I’ve been feeling. Sigh. Not depressed but like… empty. Like. This is it? Like. I know it’s not. There’s so much more for me… but like. It’s that feeling of… when you’re dreams come true and you get the feeling of… it was so much better when I was imagining it. Dreaming about it felt better than achieving it in reality. I guess… it’s about the journey and not the destination… because when you reach the destination… it’s all about the journey.

And wow. My journey thus far. Has been dream coming true one after another. I set myself… a really ambitious dream for 2018 and 2019. That’s the amount of time I’ve given myself to reach the next level. The dream… it’s uh… so next level that even I have difficulty in believing it. But. I know that I gotta be the one to believe in it. I gotta believe and take action. That’s the only way for dreams to become reality.

From Toronto to SF. From SF to Tokyo. From Tokyo all around asia, amsterdam and now finally NYC. The city I’ve dreamed about living in. That… people all over the world dream about visiting and living in. I get this. I live in chelsea. I walked around Penn station and madison square guarden. The new york public library. I see tourists taking pictures. It’s just THERE. For me. My dream came true. Just writing that gave me a chill. I’m in new york. Damn son. It’s… crazy.

Been watching stuff on my tablet. Just. It’s like. Watching old episodes of friends. And other shows set in NYC. Like suits. I’m IN new york. That… still blows my mind. Lastly… well. I forgot what I was gonna write. Oh yeah. Feeling empty. Kinda demotivated recently… it’s like. Different. When I moved to tokyo. I knew what my year would look like… of course it was completely different. But getting to play Persona 5 in Tokyo in Japanese. Shit. That was surreal. I guess… I’ll just have to wait for my NYC dreams to become reality.

Man. I’m worried about that night time incident. It’s like… when I need to pee at night now…. I move extra slow. And I’m extra paranoid. Whatever. Gonna stop now. Life is good. Life is great. But… it feels less that I should be feeling I guess.

finally in nyc. work starts tomorrow

Wow. It’s finally here. Or. I’m finally here. In Manhattan. NYC. Work starts tomorrow.

The weirdest thing. My time in Toronto. I couldn’t wait to leave Toronto. It was like… too long. But when it was time to leave. It was too short. I didn’t eat enough phoenix chicken.

Man. The weirdest and stupidest thing happened. I… faceplanted. Thursday night. The night before my flight. I was sleep deprived… and uh, tripped on the way to the toilet. Sleepy me didn’t have the reactions to put my hands out. So at around 3am I faceplanted, and it looked like I was hit by a car or something. Cut near my eye, blood running down my nose towards my mouth.

What I mean is that, I’m gonna show up to the first day of work with two black eyes, and a cut on the side of my face. Not that it matters cause I’m a software engineer. But. That was fucking unexpected. Not what I imagined.

The weirdest accident. I’m traumatized now. When I wake up at night I’m like… always scared now. I walk slow like an old man. Dafaq. Even though I know it’s unlikely that it’ll happen again. I guess… the animal is now feared. Logic gotta win though.

Been looking at apartments in nyc all of saturday and already put in an app. Fingers crossed, it’s the one I wanted. My #1 choice from the beginning of time. It’s 15 minutes walking from work at 10 minutes walking away from my future bjj gym. But… it’s so expensive.

Oh. It also has a dishwasher. I didn’t know I needed a dishwasher. Til I lived with my sister and I used a dishwasher. Damn. Like how I didn’t know about waterproof phones, and when I found out all my future phones gotta be waterproof. Now, all my future homes gotta have a dishwasher.

I’m excited to start work, but uh. Not looking forward. Well. I am looking forward to it I guess. But first few days, orientation and getting to work at 9am. Means I gotta wake up at 730. First world problems. I’m used to uh… getting to work at 10am.

I gotta wake up early, and take public transit. First world problem. Yeah. I’m spoiled. Whatever. Just one week of public transit and waking up earlier. Then I’ll be free. And living the dream. Weird. So weird. Living the dream.

life is so good but

Really enjoying Toronto life. And Markham Life. It’s like… exactly like I envisioned it. Possibly better since, my sister got a condo downtown and I’ve been staying there. There’s a gym, and it’s walking distance to everything downtown.

But. I’m waiting on lawyers. I rather start work sooner. It’s like. I’m waiting for something outside of my control. I know that… it doesn’t help to be impatient. And worrying about shit outide your control is pointless. But it’s like… forced vacation is… not as enjoyable as chosen vacation.

Sigh. Even though my life is great. If I set a start date for late June, if I had planned that then that would’ve been good. But instead, I wanted to start in early May. Reality isn’t what I planned. It’s later… by a 6 weeks. 6 weeks of forced vacation. Sigh. All of it, is thinking. If I had planned for a late june start with a planned 6 week vacation. I’d be enjoying it so much more. It’s all just thinking though.

Sigh. Even though I know. It’s like. I always default to being slightly annoyed. That the lawyers are working so slow. Blargh.

Oh well. No big deal. Killed it at the gym yesterday. Had phoenix chicken and afternoon tea. Then had soup after dinner. Today I’m getting knife cut noodles from Pacific Mall. All the delicious food, and time with family that I envisioned.

Been playing D3. I was also playing Xenosaga 3 on PC. The Japanese version. My Japanese is so good. I can revisit old games like xenosaga and see how well the original translators did. What I’m trying to say is that… my life is so fucking good. But yet. I feel annoyed. Sigh. It’s just… the default. I think no matter what, people or me. Probably me, default to shit that sucks or shit that could be better. Rather than just enjoying.

I’m definitely enjoying. The weather is nice. Went out at 9am for coffee with Dad. It’s like… I’m at the coffee shop while other people are driving to work or commuting to work. And that feeling, it’s fucking wonderful.

Well. Well. Well. What I mean to say is. Life is good. No point in feeling bad about things outside my control. Just enjoy life. There’s no free will. So whatever happens happens and couldn’t have happened any other way. Life is good.

wow it's been one whole month

So. Amsterdam happened. It was… pretty great. Fuck. My life is so good. It’s like. I need to take time to appreciate it.

Amsterdam was amazing. Kenny flew in before me. We got a sick place in Amsterdam. It was so nice. I remember talking to an amazon recruiter on the phone, while be served a latte. Oh man. It was just so good.

I’d say drugs are bad. Well. To me drugs aren’t bad. But. I can see how drugs can be addicting. Drugs can give you the feeling of intense achievement, without working for it. It’s like. An amazing feeling. But it’s also empty. I’ve been thinking.

It’s like. Somewhere, there’s this crazy person in an asylum. The chemicals in his brain. Imagine that he’s permanently happy and joyful. But he’s like… unable to function in society and just lives in a jail. But his brain and animal feelings just give him intense joy. Is that good or bad? Do I wanna be that person?

It’s like. I don’t believe in free will. So everything that happens happens and it couldn’t have happened any other way. It’s like the matrix. Which I recently watched again while I was in Malaysia.

I started studying for engineering interviews. It’s like I’m relearning things that I already knew. And honestly, every interview question. I have the tools to solve the problem, but sometimes my state is bad. Or my brain just doesn’t work. Blargh.

Looking forward to flying to Manhattan next week. It’s gonna be dope. Free flights, hotel and meals being paid for. Just to interview. I’m so spoiled. So. Spoiled.

I work hard. But I’m also lucky. I dunno. I also suffer. I had a really massive meal at Asia legend today.

Well. Either way. My prediction is me moving to Manhattan in May. That’s what I wanted. It’s what I’m working towards. I tend to get what I want and work towards. Life is strange in that regard.

almost a week in kuala lumpur

Wow. March 7th. Damn. Time goes by so fast.

I just had delicious mango, and watermelon. The fruits, so amazing. Sliced, fresh and sweet. So cheap. Japan fruits were uh, sad and expensive.

The condo is so nice. 27th floor. It’s like… higher than any building I’ve stayed at almost. The view is pretty sweet. There’s a gym and swimming pool on the 11th floor. I don’t even have to leave the building to get to the gym and swimming pool. Damn. So spoiled. Went swimming today and had the pool all to myself. So nice.

I’ve just been in a really good mood recently. I guess… it’s cause I’m appreciating the struggle more. Well. I’m not really struggling right now. But it’s more of. Appreciating the work. It’s still hard to get to the gym, to put in the work. But it’s also enjoyable.

The flight from chiang mai to kuala lumpur uh, let’s just say ruined my zen. It was pretty rage inducing. With meditation and awareness, the rage is… less intense. But airport lines are just so fucked up. At the same time, travelling by air is a marvel of modern technology. Sigh. The dilemma. When I got to the kuala lumpur airport, the line was just retarded fucked up. But it was only 2 hours. I left the airport within 2 hours. So it’s not that bad.

Just that in those 2 hours, it’s basically standing in a non moving line carrying 50 pounds. Blat. Anyways. Airport lines ruined my zen. But it’s been a week and the long time of greatness in my luxury condo has made me reflect. The suffering was worth it. and in a way, the suffering is always worth it.

It’s been raining pretty much every day in kuala lumpur… but I don’t need to sightsee. Or leave my luxury condo. The view of the storms, from the 27th floor. So beautiful. Like. A tall condo. It’s just… looking out the balcony into the city. :) It’s just brings a smile to my face. I’m so thankful. That I get to experience the luxury condo life in asia. Future Alan will undoubtedly get a luxury condo that is on the 20th floor or higher. Preferable 50th floor or higher in the future.

I had triple burgers delivered to my place yesterday. Food delivery is wonderful. It’s.. just a weird feeling I guess. Like. My imagined future turned reality. And it’s so great. Damn. I guess I just gotta imagine a really nice future for myself in New York. One where… I’ll enjoy work to it’s fullest and live in a luxury condo. Or just a nice apartment in Manhattan. I’m certain NYC life will be great. Cause, I can envision it being even better than now.

I guess the point of the post is. I still need to work on my zen. Airport lines shouldn’t induce so much rage. Or. I’m the kind of person who is aware and zen and so… less rage at what can’t be changed. When I’m waiting in line. It can’t be helped.

Oh yeah. The supermarket is on the 1st floor of this building. The supermarket is indoors. It’s like. Mind blown. It’s even closer than Tokyo convenience stores. This is the future. Supermarket within the condo.

It’s weird. At first I thought Kuala Lumpur was a 3rd world country. To leave the airport via taxi. You HAD to buy a ticket. I was like. Why can’t I get on the taxi and pay with cash/card. Then after buying a ticket, the taxi driver had no gps and got lost 3x finding my place. Sigh. That’s retarded. I guess… the world just somehow works despite retardedness. But then… the supermarket within the condo. Genius. Also, most buildings in kuala lumpur and near where I’m staying. They’re all 20+ floors. I’d say most of them are 30+ floors. This makes North America architecture just… sad and uh. Old. A 3rd world country has nicer buildings and condo than Toronto, San Francisco, and NYC. NIMBY’s and greed from governments? I don’t even know. But rather than change the world, just change yourself. I’ll be moving to where the 30+ floor condos are instead of trying to fight retarded zoning laws.

That was a pretty big digression. Started emailing my people and setting up the feelers for job search. Life is great. It’s gonna be amazing time in Amsterdam. Harold and Kumar style with me and Kenny. So pumped. Life is good. All is well.

last day in chiang mai

Wow. It’s my last day in Chiang Mai. Time went by… pretty fast.

I went to my last muay thai this morning. The dogs didn’t bark at me. For 2 days in a row I didn’t get barked at… just as the dogs start to remember me I gotta go. For 3 weeks, it was like… every day I would walk to Muay Thai, and for 2 minutes they would uh, scare the shit outta me. It’s weird because, logically. Rationally. I told myself it would be okay. In fact, I purposefully took that path to face my fears. But when the barking and chasing happens, it’s like. Fuck. It’s causing me to be nervous and twitchy.

Whatever. I faced my fears, woke up at 7:30 to go to Muay Thai for… 14 days outta 28. That’s pretty good. Wow. I only put in 15 hours of Muay Thai. It felt like… so long.

I’m thankful for all the delicious mango that I got to eat. Right by my place, there’s this fruit stall that sells mango slices for 10 baht a bag and I always get 2 bags. When I go to the grocery stores, I usually get 3 boxes of double mangoes all cut. Mango so delicious and so sweet. It’s pretty amazing.

I’ve been struggling to code in ios. Autolayout and uh, interface builder is not my thing. It’s weird but, the android xml layout is actually so much better. Or maybe I just learned it and mastered it so it feels better. I dunno. Gotta find someone who has mastered both and can properly judge.

Muay thai training was… I wouldn’t say hard. Well. It is tough, like clinch training, I’m sore for 3 days after the clinch days with sparring. The hardest part is just getting to the gym. Waking up at 730 and then getting there. That’s the hard part. Once you’re there, it’s all fun. I of course, had the added difficulty of the 2 minutes of uh, harassment lol.

But I did it. Discipline equals freedom. I kept repeating it to myself. Now I believe it, it’s true. Discipline does equal freedom. But it’s fucking hard to build discipline. Towards the end, I was just. It was harder to wake up early to meditate. I would lazy in bed before meditating later in the day. So in a way, muay thai ruined my wake -> meditation.

Some beats none though. And I always at least meditated for 5 minutes in the morning before muay thai. I feel like… my meditation is getting worse though. Not sure if I’m just more aware of when I’m off track… of if I’m actually off track more. That said, my awareness is concentration and mental toughness is definitely much better.

Never give up never surrender.

It’s weird. My trip to Chiang Mai. It’s like… everything I wanted to do happened. But it was so different from how I imagined it. The future won’t ever be exactly like you imagined it. But, things that you want to happen will happen. I guess? It’s like. Every time I predict or want something. Like today, on my last day I wanted to take a picture with all my classmates post muay thai training. Alex, this guy who usually goes every day, decided to not show up and I got a private class. I predicted at least Alex today in my class photo, but nope. Didn’t happen. I still got a photo with my trainer though so my muay thai photo happened, just not the way that I envisioned it. /shrug.

Soo lost in IEM. Once again, not what I envisioned. I envisioned watch Soo win the whole tournament. Damn. But I’ll still get to watch the tournament and enjoy all the sweet video games. Even though I know watching video games / watching sports is a waste of time… it’s like. The addiction. The dopamine. Damn. Sigh. Strange. Well. I wouldn’t classify it as an addiction since I know I can stop watching. I think it’s all about balance I guess. Work / Play. All work and no play makes homer go crazy. All work isn’t sustainable. Even though there are freaks of nature that can do all work, unfortunately I ain’t one of them.

Know what else is weird. Looking forward to shit. Like. I’m really looking forward to Toronto food, and playing D3 in Toronto. D3 new season just started. And getting the stash tabs, the griding, the dopamine. Damn. Son. Even though I should be enjoying Malaysia. Enjoying Amsterdam. I’m looking forward to both, and I’m sure I’ll enjoy both. But fantasizing about the future is pretty addicting.

Meditation definitely helped me to know myself better. And to be more present. That changes your enjoyment of things. Life is of course, great. Since I’m on vacation still. But life will be great when I move to new york. When I start working again. Life will be great. Cause, I’m great.

on dogs and nerves and rationality

So. It’s been about 5 days since that… morning when two dogs barked and chased at me which made me hella nervous.

Since then I’ve been.. trying to uh. Be more aware of my encounter with dogs. Since then I’ve crossed paths with at least 10+ dogs. I’d say even 20. One of the closest dogs that I’ve crossed was like… less than 1 feet away from me. He minded his own business and I just walked by him. Well, actually I rounded a corner and didn’t see him til it was too late. And I didn’t want to make a sudden movement / detour.

So basically, barking dogs are rare. I’ve only been barked at once since then. And it was by dogs behind a fence because I paused in front of their house to check my phone. What this means is that, I should theoretically have nothing to fear. Barked twice -> no bite. Over 30 dogs no bites. Statistically, I’ll never get bitten. But, you can’t think that. That’s faulty logic because, it’s like saying. Because I ain’t dead I’ll never die. Which, is obviously false. It’s a tautalogy. Or whatever.

On the fear of dogs. It’s weird… because wearing pants make me less fearful vs wearing shorts when I’m walking to muay thai. But that’s just… irrational. Since, dogs can bite through jeans like it’s nothing. And it’s not even the fear of being bitten. I think it might just be… the fact that it’s unpredictable. Like. If someone told me. You’re gonna get bitten today by a dog. I’d be like. Okay. And go on with my day. The fact that some dogs are crazy just… that’s the scary part maybe.

Well. You can extrapolate that to humans. There exist humans that… are crazy. Murderers that kill for no reason or whatever. That’s some scary shit. But statistically, that’s really rare. Fear should correspond with the likeliness of something happening. Between me and a single dog even barehanded, I’m pretty sure I’d beat the dog if my life were on the line. Cause, I’m a monster. Well. I’m heavier than the dog. And weight dominates. What I’m trying to say is that, it’s the unknown and irrationality that’s scary. But. It’s never as scary as it seems.

So outta my irrational fear aka neuroticism I looked into some uh, dog behaviour stuff. Can dog detect fear? I don’t think so. But fear causes you to act… differently. Someone whose scared will twitch more. I think it’s the sudden movement that makes it more likely to be attacked. Also, the article said to avoid eye contact with the dog cause you’ll be challenging their alpha status with a fight.

Which brings me back. It’s funny. Alpha dog. Literally used to describe dogs and wolves. But I’m so use to the alpha male in the context of describing humans and leaders. And… I ain’t afraid of no alpha humans. Because we live in society where there are rules. Because of society, maybe we forget that we’re all animals. If you were born 300 years ago, you’d probably still need to hunt and kill shit to eat.

My brain is losing organization lol. Forget what I was trying to write. The point is, there are crazy people. People that don’t make sense. There are also crazy dogs. Dogs that will attack you regardless of territory or provokedness or anything. If it happens, it’s unfortunate but it’s like. Rare and fucked up. So no need to be scared. Don’t be stupid. But, the chances of it happening are pretty slim.

I started watching fate/apocrphyal or whatever. Watching it in Japanese with Japanese subs. My japanese is so good.

This week, watching GSL RO16 live. Scarlett beat Zest and Innovation. Wow. That’s like… I would’ve put the odds of that happening at 0. Like. 1/infinity. Especially, if you told me Scarlett would beat SoS, Zest, and Innovation. In a row. I’d be like. I’ll bet all my net worth on that not fucking happening.

But once again. I think.. it’s just hard work and never give up and never surrender. It’s simple in theory. Ask anyone. But, most people can’t do it. I guess… that’s the same with fitness. Everyone knows that to be healthy. Just eat less junk and exercise. Everyone knows but not everyone does. Cause it’s not easy.

Since we descended from animals. The fear is… primal. It’s like. I know to rationally to not be afraid of a barking dog. Because, bark != getting bitten. But. The animal dna is causing me to feel fear and alert. I’m ready. If it bites me. I’ll kick the shit outta it. Animal survival genes. I think society evolved faster than our dna which causes suffering and struggle.

I guess the moral of the rant is. Never give up never surrender. Humans are animals. Dogs are animals. Crazy animals exist. Fear should be proportional to the likelihood, but it isn’t cause animal dna changes slow.

almost week 1 in chiang mai

:D

That’s… I have a nice grin on my face just… appreciating and being thankful of where I am writing this. I’m currently in Chiang Mai. I’ll be in Chiang Mai until March 1st. But the reason that I’m so happy is that… this is literally what I envisioned and dreamed of. It’s weird… everything that I’ve wanted for my future came true. But that’s been written about before. I’m just thankful. Hard work and luck. I dunno. But either way. Life is great in Chiang Mai. It’s t-shirt and shorts weather.

I’ve already been to Muay Thai classes twice. At first I wanted to do muay thai 5 times a week. After my first class on Monday, I woke up Tuesday morning aching all over. So I didn’t go Tuesday. I went today though which is Wednesday. I’m planning on going again Friday.

Sigh. My left leg is still injured. It got injured because my mental was actually stronger than my body. Which is both good and bad. It’s good to be mentally strong and infallable. But.. when it leads to an injury it actually slows down your overall progress. What happened was… I was jogging and going to the gym in China. But… there was gonna be a period of break/no gym. Cause it was cold or whatever. So I figured… more rest days ahead. Push myself and go all out. Then, left leg gets injured and now it hurts whenever I run or step one it. Sigh. I’ve been… uh. Compensating though… which is probably bad. Make me pickup some bad muay thai habits. Meh. No big deal.

I got my laundry picked up and delivered in Chiang Mai. For… $4. The laundry was picked up and my door… and now it’s folded in a ziplocked bad. $4. Fuck. My mind is blown. Using washio in SF… it cost me $80. That’s 20x. No wonder washio went under. Everything is cheap in Chiang Mai. Just like the bloggers said. Mocha is 35 baht. Which is <$2. Noodles / Rice dishes can be 40 baht which is… <$2. Damn. Food and laundry so cheap.

But… mosquitoes everywhere. Urgh. When I eat outdoors in streets, bugs everywhere. Also, it’s not english friendly, I just point to random items on the menu and it’s a roulette. Hope I don’t get something super spicy or weird. It’s the food roulette. Stray dogs barked and chased at me and I was… super scared. Like… how do I explain it. It’s like… the dog triggered intense fight or flight almost. I just kept walking and it just chased me barking but didn’t get bit. But - that was a uh, tramatizing moment. I’m just watching this Joe Rogan podcast when he talks to Steven Pinker. Basically, we’re all wired to respond to negativity more. All the greatness and amazingness of Chiang Mai. One negative wild dog experience, or a few mosquito bites. And that’s all you remember. In a way, it’s true. Biologically, I think humans are wired like that. That’s why it’s important to be thankful and meditate. I’ve been meditating 20 minutes per day for awhile now. It’s uh. On one hand, it feels like a waste of my life. On the other hand.. it’s like… turning me more mentally aware and strong. Weird. I’m just gonna keep doing it.

I woke up at 730 to meditate before going to Muay Thai. I can’t believe that I would wake up at 730. But I did. My shins are busted. I can kick more than my shins can handle. Gonna go to a thai massage tomorrow. OMG. 1.5 hours of thai massage is… 400 baht. That’s… <$20. Omg. Like. I remember doing a groupon for 2 hours of thai massage… and it was $200. Damn. Gonna get a massage every other day. Treat yoself.

I think one of the effects of my meditation is… I’m just more aware of my emotions and maybe it’s given me more calm and compassion. The other day I got my best thai massage by an old man. He was pretty magical. But it was in those lower tier places where you don’t have a private room. So I had to share the room with a huge group of like 7 loud ass chinese / taiwan tourists. And there was a kid there. So this is my thought. Fuck. Why does a kid get a massage man. You are way spoiling your kid and fucking up his future. I didn’t get to travel until I graduated high school. I definitely didn’t get anything remotely luxurious compared to a massage as a kid. But, that’s judgement and whatever. Sigh. It’s simply the way the world is. Kids get bought ferrari’s. I wish I got that. It’s like… I dunno. Just a form of attachment. Judging or wanting the world to be a certain way when you can’t control it. It’s like. Fuck. I wish there weren’t retarded people in this world. Okay. That’s probably not PC enough. By retarded, oh yeah. The Joe Rogan talk also had talks on uh… the modern PC and how everyone is out to judge you. And it’s hard to communicate via text because there’s no back and forth. What I mean is that, I wish the world made more sense and was more rational. Instead, we have shit that makes no sense. Shit that makes no sense is retarded. People that make no sense is retarded. People believing the world is flat. Fuck. That’s retarded. Okay. I’m gonna stop now.

Anyways, the kid kept giggling cause he was ticklish. And he was making a lot of noise which was annoying. But I just became aware of my attachment and tried to let it go. I was ticklish as a kid. Also, he’s probably trying to not be loud, he just can’t control himself. Whatever. No big deal. The massage even with the annoying kid and super loud chinese people, was the best thai massage thus far. Given to me by an old man.

I’ve been reading vinland saga in coffee shops. And today I was having coffee, reading vinland saga, and watching starcraft 2 live on my cellphone. It was a pretty high feeling. Like. Damn. Reading manga, in a coffee shop, in 25C sunny weather, in chiang mai. While live streaming starcraft to my cellphone on twitch. Damn. One part of me wished that I could take a picture for social media. My time away from social media… since china blocked it is… it’s definitely bad. Why would I want to share my peak experience. The important thing is that I experienced it in the present and I remember. But I’ve been programmed to want to share it somehow. Damn. Social media is social engineering. Ouch. At least I’m aware.

Scarlett beat SoS in Starcraft 2 to win her first… major tournament. Oh. Federer also been winning Grand Slams. It’s like… never give up never surrender. I’m hoping Soo will win the next GSL. That’s attachment. Oh. I’ve also finished both season of boku no hero academia. Damn. Shounen just… I’ve been programmed. Shounen is like… a drug. Like. Boku no hero academia gave me sick nerd chills and so much feels. Reminded me of gurren lagann. Good prevails through. Good struggles and loses but persevere and and wins. It just… what’s the word. More social programming. It’s like. I wish the world was shounen like. But it’s not. ‘Evil’ runs rampant and rules etc etc. There’s no good or evil but only thinking makes it so? That’s like high school philosophy class right there. That was a major digression, but I still have the belief that hard work -> success. When I know that plenty of people put in hard work and end up nowhere.

I’ve started reading rationality from A-Z. It’s uh… I thought I was rational, but of course I still have my blind spots. It’s like… sometimes you have a belief of a belief. And it becomes your identity that you are a believer. It’s like faith. And sometimes when you have faith you reject evidence which is bad. Fortunately, reality usually shines through. There’s only one reality afterall. I’ll get to test my beliefs against reality. By May of this year. But for now. I’m enjoying the present life in Chiang Mai.

Let’s see. Injury. Muay Thai. Cheap food. Social Media. Rationality and judgement / attachment. I guess… I am growing. I think… the chinese loud tourists would’ve annoyed me much more prior to meditation. They still annoyed me. But it was… I was aware, and so the negativity was lessened. And I still enjoyed the best thai massage thus far.

I was really tramatized by the wild dogs. But then… rationality and awareness… I’m still gonna take the same path and walk the same walk when I see dogs. Unless I see a pack of dogs, then I’m gonna turn around cause I don’t think I can take a pack of wild dogs and that’s too risky lol.

Also realized that learning styles is important. I really didn’t enjoy my time at the University of Waterloo. Sure. I somehow managed to learn everything they taught, and it gave me the foundations to become a good software engineer. But now, I’m going through machine learning via coursera. And it reminds me. It’s too academic. I hate having one correct answer. In the real world, there are problems and there are solutions. That’s what employment and exceling in work is… so much better for me.

I think I’m just gonna force myself to brute force sit through the lectures… then try out some side projects. Just like how I never managed to learn japanese academically, but one year of Tokyo gave me my desired fluency. I gotta learn things my own style.

Oh yeah. Thailand internet is… pretty first world. I’d say it’s even better than America/Canada/China. That wifi at the coffeeshop? It was a solid 50M. I ran fast.com and it rated it as 30 megabytes download. Shit son. Shit son. The internet, it’s the great world equalizer. Thailand is more first world than America/China/Canada.

That’s all I’m gonna write about for now. Oh man. Life is so good. I’m still on the up and up.

wow 2018

So I haven’t been writing at all.. it’s because I thought that github was blocked in China… but turns out that it’s not. So all this time… I could’ve been writing posts. I guess the lesson is… don’t just assume and be lazy. In actuality, it’s just me being lazy and giving myself a reason to not write.

My last post was right before my birthday. Wow. Just reading back on that post, playing Yakuza Kiwami in Japan. Life was so good then. That’s not to say that life isn’t good now. Life is pretty great. The three things I’m thankful for today is having sweet round dessert things with my family in China. Working out and doing my stretches and rehab exercises at the gym. Also, for being able to watch Mr. Robot online today with chinese subs. Life is pretty great.

It’s 2018. Wow. A time that… I thought would never happen. I mean. I knew it would happen, but at the same time… when I first moved to Japan. 2018 felt like so far away. I had all the time in the world yo. I’m tempted to read my original article on the number of apps that I wanted to write. So far I think I have 6 android apps and will be working on the 7th. For iOS… I actually started seriously working on it in China. I’m gonna submit my first iOS app to the app store within 7 days. Before leaving to thailand.

How I envisioned China… and what actually happened was of course, totally different. And yet, it’s undoubtedly true that I got better. I’m on the up and up still. Well. Not physically… I think I’m weaker than my peak in Japan. Sigh. But meditation wise, I’ve been super consistent. It was easier for me to setup my schedule in China. Overestimated my productivity because I assumed super fast internet. 100 MBps or 200 MBps in china… is not even 1Mbps to the external world. Sigh. It makes looking up information really annoying but that’s only an excuse I suppose.

The nice thing about the crappy internet is that facebook / instagram is blocked. I think… I got a junk cleanse indirectly… and I think I’m gonna uninstall / cut back on social media. It’s too… junk. It’s bad for me mentally in the sense it’s just a waste of time. Important people will be in your life regardless of social media. Also your privacy is severely compromised when using those apps. Facebook reading my clipboard and all my app data, scary shit.

I did a retrospective on real paper, but don’t think I’ll write it out again. I learned alot and grew alot in 2017. I’m expecting 2018 to be another massive growth year. The first quarter of the year has already been planned out. China until end of January. Chiang Mai February. Kuala Lumpur and Amsterdam in March. Finally, returning home to Toronto in late March. Then becomes making my uh… dreams a reality. Well. I wouldn’t really say it’s a dream. More of a vision. Turning what I envisioned into reality.

For now… just gonna take it day by day and enjoy the process. I think… I’m due for another reading of the inner game of tennis. I finally get what it means to enjoy the game. I think. I was always focused on winning, and the results. But it’s really through the enjoyment of the game that allows on to elevate to the next level. I’m lucky to enjoy programming, software development, and problem solving. It just so happens that the enjoyment of the game of software development matches with my natural tendencies. But now I’m starting to see the enjoyment in the hard stuff or things that I didn’t previously enjoy. Sprinting on the treadmill, the pain is so good. lol.

Tomorrow is a coffee and manga day. I’m on the last volume of death note. My reading speed is still improving. Damn. It’s kinda surprising like. I know that as you get better you learn faster. Reading speed is key to learning… it’s just still so satisfying. Death note is such a joy to read. On top of that I’m learning Japanese.

That’s it for now. Happy new years and I’m still alive.

playing yakuza kiwami

Last night I was playing Yakuza Kiwami in Tokyo with my Japanese waifu. Goal achieved. It was great… watching her struggling to beat up thugs on easy mode and cheering her on to beat the crap out of some guy in the game.

I did my daily andrew ng ai lecture. But I haven’t been programming my side projects recently. I keep thinking that.. the future will be a better time to do it. But of course… the best time is always now.

Why is it that me and everyone else thinks the future will be easier? Hmm. I think there’s a twofold thought process. The first is… future you will be better than present you. That’s pretty much a given. I’ve gotten stronger and smarter every year thus far, and there’s no reason to believe that I’ve hit my peak. So it is true that future me will have an easier time and be better equipped to do the tasks. But what about the environment?

Why is it that I think in china I’ll be able to work with no distractions or suffering? I think… it’s because I don’t imagine the future with enough detail. Like Dan Gilbert would say… it’s easy to only imagine parts of your life and not the whole. I imagine just me being alone in china with super fast internet and… my desktop. But… of course that’s not the full picture. There’ll be extreme heat / coldness from the weather. There’ll still be mosquitoes and bugs. I’ll still have to eat food… so I gotta handle finding food and eating still. I’ll still need to sleep. I might get sick. I’ll probably spend time with family.

But. It’s like… when I just imagine china, desktop, future me. It’s like… such a perfect time that I should just wait for the future to do it. Blargh. I guess… in the end. It goes back to procress. Love the day to day and the process. Everything else will fall into place. I’ve been consistently reading, learning Japanese, and improving myself. Now… it’s time to add back in the programming.

Whatever you prioritize and dedicate to you’ll achieve. I’ve been doing pullups in the park now. Going out at night when there’s no one but me and mosqitoes. It’s kinda tough. And I definitely feel weaker. But I still get my butt out to do 20 pullups. Because.. that’s the least that I can do to maintain my strength. Man. I’m not even working towards the human flag anymore. I feel kinda sad.

But honestly… until I can do 20 pullups easily… the human flag is out of the question. So I just gotta focus on pullups, and abs for now. I guess. /shrug.

So the brain dump of this… post? Gotta do more pullups and coding. But otherwise… life is pretty freaking awesome.

wow... stay at home boyfriend life

I just listened to music on my Sennheiser HD 650. I just sat there and listened to music. It’s so beautiful. It’s been awhile since my last post and a lot has happened.

I went to China. I got so fat in China. I had pineapple oil… for 5 days in a row. 5 days in a row of pineapple oil and afternoon tea. Followed by another 4 days in HK. HK was more pineapple oil and afternoon tea.

In china.. the great firewall. Damn. I forget how much I depend on google for my life and work. I tried to login to my gmail. Google wouldn’t let me login. It sent a confirmation code to my cell phone… which is my google voice number. Classic catch-22. Gg. Locked out of google while in China.

In Hong Kong.. oh. I just randomly added an old friend on facebook. Then messaged him and was like. Treat me to pineapple oil. So I guess facebook does have some utility. I got to have pineapple oil with an old friend. The last time I saw him was in 2007. It’s been.. literally 10 years since I saw him. Last time in 2007 it was also in hong kong. Heh. It’s… kinda crazy I guess. Damn. We talked about hitting the airplane and other random shit. LOL. good times.

Hong kong toilets and washrooms. It’s like… literally soaked with piss. Every single public toilet was… wet with urine. It’s a huge contrast compared to the pika pika of Japan. I pretty gave away my Japan furniture and TV. In addition to that… I had to pay $500 to get rid of my bed. Urgh. So my bed cost $1000. Whatever. Totally worth it for peace of mind from roaches. In the end… I spent a fortune in Japan.. because I paid gaijin rent prices. Racism in Japan is real… /shrug.

But Japan was… exactly what I needed. I think. The step back to see what I wanted in my life was very valuable. I started taking Andrew Ng’s machine learning course. So much algebra and… matrix math. I can’t believe an eigenvector is actually useful. Sigh. I guess I shoul’ve paid more attention in Waterloo. The funny thing is. It’s crazy. You get a stanford level computer science course… from a renowned professor. Delivered via coursera / youtube… so you can learn at your own pace. Just typing that out. That gave me nerd chills. Like. You can learn from the best… the literal best. From the comfort of your own home. That. Blows ma mind.

I got to hang out with Kawachi ojo sama twice in his trip to Japan. I’m pretty lucky. Got to touch those D-cups. kekeke. I’ve been living the stay at home boyfriend life. It’s… pretty great. Like… we’ve been watching Kimi wa pet. The jdrama. And I’m pretty much a pet. She even washes my hair lol. It’s a weird thing because… I definitely did not imagine the pet life for my one year in Japan.

I turned 27 in Japan. I just flew over that month… spoke little Japanese and had one friend. I’ll be turning 28 in Japan. Living the pet life. My Japanese is so good now. Ordering in Japanese. Reading manga. Reading books. Playing video games. I think I’ll buy vinland saga and vagabond for my trip to China.

Hmmm. I forgot what I wanted to write about. Oh. Yesterday I went to the lindt store and had dark chocolate drink with dark chocolate cake. It was hella decadent. My life is just so good. It’s like. Learning from Andrew Ng. Reading the Haskell book. Listening to beautiful music. Japan desserts. Pet life. Yet… I’ll have to leave Japan. There’ll be 10 weeks in China. The great firewall of… sadness. I think… because of the firewall… I won’t be able to uh… permanently live in China afterall.

We’ll see. I was meditating today. I thought about my 10 weeks in China and how I’ll probably be driving in China. That kinda stresses me out. But now I have faith. I know that while stressful and probably difficult. Learning to drive in China is definitely doable. And eventually it’ll be easy and I’ll be able to drive… barely using my brain. I think.. in the end it’s all about belief in oneself. Now… I have way too much of it. Maybe. But life is great.

What was the point of this? Nothing. Just to recap how great my life is I guess. I’m thankful. Just like I predicted. Moving out of my old place… cost a lot of time, money and energy. But it was doable and I done it. And now… life is great. Whatever I was worried about… I still worry. I just believe that everything will work out. And it does. Usually for the better. Heh. So. Thanks me. For being positive and fixing all my problems.

started packing... shit got real

Started moving some stuff. I still need to sell my fridge, tv, and… washing machine. Even if I don’t sell it. I need to dump it. Which… isn’t too difficult.

I moved my chairs and tables. So now I don’t even have a place to sit. I’m starting to feel. Uh. Sad? Anxious? Dread? Nostalgic? I don’t even know. Maybe the proper feeling is a little bit down. My perfect Japan life. I gotta leave it. Even though I knew I was gonna leave in a year. It’s like. Just when I hit my stride. It’s time to go. Kinda… sad.

I’m writing this on a really ghetto makeshift standing desk. It’s actually pretty functional. Just that the screen shakes when I type so I can’t do intense D3 on it since when I tried to run a rift on my dh I was getting motion sickness from the screen shaking so much.

But wow. In 5 days. FIVE DAYS. I’ll be gone. From Tokyo. My power and hydro will be cut. Life in Japan.. will become a memory. I guess. Sayonara sale within 5 days. Bleh.

last week in japan fomg

Wow. It’s… my last week in Japan. I’ll be flying out to china September 1st… which is less than 7 days away. Damn. It still hasn’t fully sunk in yet. I still need to sell a lot of shit. But I’m sure everything will work out. I sold my RX 570 this morning to a super nice guy that met me at my desired location and time.

Yesterday, I hung out with my Japanese friends at a bar in Shibuya. Then we went to watch Gintama with Oguri Shun in Shinjuku. Wow. The movie was so great. The whole time I was thinking… wow. Fuck. My Japanese is so good. My Japanese is so good! I understand everything. Whoa. Mind blown. Then… after the movie the escalator down on leaving the theatre. It was like… you leave the theatre and enter the bright city lights of Shinjuku. It just felt… very magical. I mean. I’m so lucky to spend a year in Tokyo. The movie was great, went with boku no ii hito and my Japanese friends.

Also had curry in Shibuya for dinner. Me and a friend tried going to that place during lunchtime once and it was packed with a line… last night we just ate there and it was delicious. Delicious japanese curry. Sigh. I’ll miss it, but I definitely enjoyed my Japan life. I say I’ll miss it and I’m sure that I will. But I also miss north america. Pizza, and of course my dear dear phoenix chicken.

Gonna repost my ads on craigslist later. I’m actually looking forward to Mayweather vs McGregor. I think it’ll be extremely one sided but I’m excited either way. Last night after the movie… I stopped by a 7-eleven for two onigiri and a chocolate chip cookie. The chocolate chip cookies in Japan don’t compare to Canada’s president’s choice but they’re growing on me. It was a delicious late night snack. I’ll miss the convenience store onigiri. $3 for 2… and it’s better than anything in North America. Damn. Damn.

Well. I think it’s just like… when it’s summer you want winter and when it’s winter you want summer. In the end… you just gotta enjoy the present. And… my present is pretty great.

playing d3 on a broken mac

I finally got my stash tab for the D3 season. I feel pretty badass. Clearing a greater rift level 75 is surprisingly not that trivial. well. it’s trivial if you put in the proper hours and grind I guess. but… for the longest time… I was playing with a broken osx install that would just randomly hang. So I would reach the boss and then my computer would freeze and I would lose 10 minutes of my life. Or I’d be at the last bounty and my computer would freeze and then I’d lose 20 minutes of my life. what was dumb… was that I kept playing the game in that condition. It’s made me nervous. whenever there was a graphical slowdown. please don’t let it hang and me lose my progress. It was like this for 3 weeks. Then one day… it happened twice. I lost 30 minutes of my life consecutively. I was like. Fuck. This. Shit. and I fixed my OSX. since them the game never froze and I never lost progress. For the longest time… I was playing with a broken system. and that was fucking me up mentally and… in terms of the results. all it took was an hour of my life to take a step back. and fix it. that one hour probably could’ve saved me 20 hours had I done it sooner. it undoubtedly saved me 20 hours since. but it’s like. damn. sometimes you just need to take a step back and fix shit.

I’ve been… kinda sleep deprived recently. I’ve been getting weaker… and fatter… sleep deprived has been ruining my mood and uh… just making me negative and cranky. Today though… I just finished reading the secret. And I realized… I was attracting the negative sleep into my life… and the weakness and the excuses. I’ve been having shitty sleep and that makes me anxious and worried about the shitty sleep. And as a result I just keep getting shitty sleep. I just need to know that I can control my sleep and that I can give myself great sleep. I’m sure I’ll sleep like a baby tonight and feel great. I’ve been feeling weak… and struggling in the gym. I’m like barely late June level of fitness. Which is sad… it means that I spent two months regressing.

But it’s not true. The lack of sleep is just temporary. Once I fix the lack of sleep. My results and fitness will come back. I think… I keep thinking that I’ve hit a physical plateau… and my thinking is causing the plateau. It’s time to remove that thinking. There’s still some… negative thought patterns that I have… that I don’t catch right away, and it just… makes my life harder than it needs to be. It’s time for me to notice the negative thoughts and to … fix them earlier.

I killed a spider today. I had to wear gloves and shit. But… I think a large part of my fear of spiders is simply… the resistance and hate that I have towards it. It’s like… each time I kill a spider… it’s a struggle and that struggle and negativity actually makes it worse. It shouldn’t be a big deal. Honestly, it isn’t. I’ve killed so many spiders.

Man. It’s like. Life is just a serious of cycles and loops. Relearning what I’ve learned and reapplying it. It’s like. You fix your mistakes. Then you realize that there were more mistakes. That just repeats. I know I’ll never be perfect, but for now. To make my life better I just gotta be more aware, of my thoughts and actions.

I’m super thankful. My Japan year has been… almost perfect. It’s literally a dream come true.

I’ve been thinking about the struggle of selling my shit. I thought that it would be hard. And so far… there’s been no buyers. but. I KNOW that it’ll be easy. And worse case is I pay like $200 and throw all my shit away. Which I’m totally okay with. There’s no need to worry or be negative. I don’t give a fuck. Life is great.

I’ll find a great seller and life will move on. This is me. Thinking positive and attracting my future. I’ll sell all my shit by next week sunday. And be packed and all ready for China.

I’m actually looking forward to china and hong kong. I really miss pineapple oil. But. Life is great. You’ll always miss things. But. Appreciate what you got.

just watched game of thrones

Just finished episode 4 of game of thrones. Damn. It’s so good. But more seriously… I had delicious breakfast and 3 slices of toast. I feel so fat.

Recently… I’ve been just playing way too much D3. It’s kinda bad. Way too much D3, horrible shitty sleep and delicious delicious food. I think… I’m just doing too much vacation. I told myself at the start of the year… I’d be okay with just wasting a year and playing video games and getting fat. So I guess… this is okay. But on the other hand… there’s still so much that I want to do. The fitness goals that I wanted to achieve for my year in Japan. While I don’t think it’s correct to say it’s now or never… I do think that this is probably the prime opportunity to train. Well. Prime time is always now. No time like the present.

I hit 91 on karaoke. I feel pretty badass. It was on a color/atsushi song. I got 88 and 89 on the JJ Song. My number one JJ song… so salty. So close… but it’s okay. I’m sure I’ll hit 90 by the end of August. It’s crazy. When I started I was only a 75 ~ 80. Now I’m actually like 85~90. Can’t wait til I’m consistently 90+. The thing is… while I envisioned myself singing great… it’s like. I couldn’t imagine it happening in three months. I mean. I could, but like… damn. The other night I was singing… and it was like. DAMN. I sound so fucking good. Then I preoceeded to mess up the subsequent verse cause I was too busy admiring my beautiful voice. www. Narcissist huh.

I went to yamagata and yonegawa. The village in the north. Oh. My yukata fireworks dream came true. It’s like… wow. There I was… having shaved ice. Wandering around the food stalls in yukata. Surreal man. It’s like. The fireworks were beautiful. The scenary was great. I feel like… there’ll be times when I’m alone and I can code and do cool shit. But for now… it’s okay to just enjoy the relationship and spoil myself. She dressed up in a red yukata. The moment I saw her in her red yukata was pretty doki doki and waku waku.

Only 30 days left before I gotta fly to hong kong because my visa is gonna expire. Haven’t really been meditating as much. But I think… my faith in future me is probably stronger than ever. Simply because… the present me delivered for past me. Somehow. Everything just turned out okay. I think future me will get me that luxury condo and S5 easy peasy. And Tesla. Gotta get me a tesla.

Recently I’ve just been enjoying and going with the flow. I guess two months of vacation out of my year isn’t too bad. Well. Treat yoself. I’ve actually been enjoying a lot of time off. I think… I would use to have this guilty feeling of enjoying time off… because I was raised that every moment should be used for productivity. But then… your life just feels so boring. For now… just enjoying each day. Everything’s good because that’s how I want it to be.

put in request to cancel lease. shit got real

So this week I put in the request to cancel my lease. My lease officially ends September 15th. That’ll be the one year mark of when I moved into my place in Otsuka/Sugamo. Heh.

It’s kinda crazy. On one hand.. time seems to go by so slowly. Meditation this morning… was only 23 minutes but it felt so slow and long.

I finally got to go on the odaiba ferris wheel date. Man. My dreams came true lol. Living the P5 date in real life. I’m pretty lucky. Or… I actually don’t think it’s luck. I’m about halfway through the book the secret. And it’s crazy… whatever I did visualize… and want for my future. It has come true. I’ve experienced the secret results first hand without believing in it… so after reading it it just made my beliefs in it stronger.

I need to stop thinking so much about the future and just enjoy the present. But at the same time… my visualizations of my future are getting stronger. My NYC life is starting to become real in my mind.

No chance to read / practice more haskell. I just haven’t been blocking out my time efficiently. D3 has been way to… addicting. Even though I know it’s addicting. It’s still addicting. My Demon Hunter is almost paragon 400 in less time it took for my monk to reach… 300.

Going to be going to up north to yamagata for vacation weekend. I’ll get to see some of rural Japan I guess. That’ll be the final checklist of my year in tokyo. Almost.

Started watching the bachelor Japan. It’s too jokes. No subtitles but I can actually understand most of it. It’s pretty interesting. Then again… I’ve seen episodes of the english bachelor and I guess the interactions and dialogs are pretty much universal. Drama and jealousy / excitement etc etc.

Laundry just finished so I gotta go. Today is the big day. I hit 10km in June. It’s time for me to hit 50 minutes or 5/6 of 15km. Which is uh.. 12.5. Shit. 12.5 km in 45 minutes. Well. I’m gonna give myself an extra 5 minutes I guess so it should be easy and doable. Whatever. Die on the treadmill or success. That’s my mindset.

wow time just fast forwarded

Sigh. So uh. I accidently deleted my post mid way and I’m sad. Now I gotta rewrite what I’ve written.

D3 is over. I’m over it. The season ended. Life sucks. Didn’t get my optimal monk gear that I wanted to play. Boo. Hoo. Actually. Life is pretty great. Right after D3 ended… my friend arrived. We went to Kobe and I got my dream picture with my Rin and Ron. Hehe. Too good. Dream came true lol.

Dad’s currently sleeping in my guest bedroom. He’s visiting from Canada and bought me my favorite chocolate chip cookies. President’s choice chocolate chip cookies. We had sukiya for dinner and the eel and beef bowl was so delicious.

I started dating this super cute girl that cooks and cleans for me. And also calls me goshujin~sama. It’s kinda crazy how it happened but things are going really well. I’m not meditating as much or exercising as well as I’d like though… but… I think that’s a conscious decision for now.

I’m working my way through the haskell programming book. Feels kinda basic for now. It doesn’t teach me the big three that I’m most interested in which are monads, functors and monoids. But I’m sure it’ll eventually teach me it.

I also started reading the secret. It’s a super cool self help / theory book. What’s funny is… it totally aligns with what I already believe in. So it’s just like… fuel to my beliefs I guess.

I can’t believe… it’s already close to mid July. Damn. Time… goes by too quickly. Blargh. Japan felt like…. forever in September/October. But now… it’s less than 7 weeks left. SEVEN WEEKS of Tokyo left. boo. hoo. I think the most important thing is to enjoy the time that I have left… and I’m definitely enjoying myself. I can do more programming and coding when I’m in China.

At the same time… maybe I’m not hustling hard enough? I mean. When I don’t get 8 hours of sleep… my gym / mental goes down. Hmmm. Sleep is too important. Trading sleep for hustle is… stupidity. This I know. This I know.

Also apparently there are 8 tones in Cantonese… which I didn’t even know. I speak Cantonese fluently… but today I learned.

Post D3 week was just too great. Kobe. Hit 10km on the treadmill for end of June. Bijin girlfriend. Dad visiting. Hella spoiled man. Life is good.

i feel like shit

Sigh. I feel like puking. Today… I skipped meditation. The first in a long time. Because I was gonna be late to toudai. I feel like puking. I feel really gross. It’s a combination of sleeping shitty, playing lots of d3, and eating shitty. Fuck. It’s like… I’m an alcoholic and I just feel shitty.

Even as I wrote that. The thing I’m most looking forward to doing… is playing D3 for the next 24 hours. The season ends in 36 hours and my friend arrives in 24 hours. So. I won’t have to to play after tonight and tomorrow morning. Shiet. That’s kinda messed up. But at the same time… it’s like. I don’t even feel ashamed about it. It’s like. Fuck. I feel like shit. But I’mma play D3.

Sigh. I’m not even disappointed in myself. It’s like. I accept myself for all my flaws. LOL. I know I can do better. But… you can always do better. Run on the treadmill for one second more. Whatever. I’m rambling at this point.

The point of this post. I sleep shitty. I ate shitty. I feel like barfing and like shit. This is probably close to a hangover. Yet, all I wanna do is play D3. Deal with it.

went to the gym in the rain

I’m a badass. It was raining like crazy… I had the perfect excuse to stay home and play D3. But, I got my ass out in the rain and got to the gym. Ran 7km… not even close to what’s needed for my target next week so I’m kinda worried. Then again, I’m sleep deprived from playing too much D3.

I think I went… simply because I missed so many workouts recently. Vacation, then getting sick. Rain isn’t a good excuse since rain doesn’t actually prevent me from getting to the gym and working out. When I was struggling to walk in the rain… I saw like 4 year old kids in their rainsuits… and it made me feel weak. Then again… high school girls can run a 5 minute mile while I’m not even close. Urgh. Weak.

I haven’t been coding at all recently. I think… maybe it’s because I don’t want it enough? I really want to hit my fitness goals so I made it to the gym today. But maybe… I don’t really want to hit my app release goals? No. I definitely do. So the alternative is… my habits aren’t formed as strongly. I’ve been meditating everyday. Well. Some days are worse than others, but meditation always happens. Same thing with workouts and dance on the respective days.

But yet, my programming isn’t perfectly daily consistent with my scheduling. I gotta work on my programming habit I guess. But at the same time… I’ve done so much. Just working on it in bursts as I’ve ‘felt’ like it. Hmm. I do think little by little habit is the better way to go though.

Okay. I’m a badass. I didn’t succumb to D3 and went to the gym. Now. I’m just gonna let myself go a little bit crazy for now. The season ends this Friday… so in 2 days. Then there’ll be a month break. I’ll train myself. So that for next season when I make my second D3 character… I’ll be able to program in addition to working out and still have time for D3. Sigh. We’ll see. Maybe in one month I won’t even want to D3 since I’ll be back to my JRPGs. /shrug.

For now. Went to the gym. Meditated. Thought too much about D3. So gonna play. Life is good.

I've made a huge mistake

I installed D3 on my OSX machine. Sigh. I’m still surprised that I did it. I purposely avoided it on my last school term when it came out… since D2 took up way too much of my life and I knew that I have a tendency to be addicted to that type of game.

Sigh. D3 is like… perfection in terms of the dopamine hit. I basically played from 9pm~5am for the past 2 days. Wow. That’s 8 hours per day. Plus daytime. Sigh. I still don’t really get why I decided to install the game. It’s like. Why. WHY?! It slipped my mind. As in… I tricked myself somehow and here I am. But it’s nothing that I can’t handle.

Despite being sleep deprived. I went to the gym today. I actually managed to run 12 minutes at 15.1 km/h despite being sleep deprived, and recovering from post vacation. Whatever. I’m okay with taking a month off. But. It’s like. Damn. If only I could translate my D3 hours into productive programming time. If. Only.

JJ Lin style. There was so brilliant shit I wanted to write on how D3 is taking over my life but this time it’s different. Or. Whatever. It’s probably just because I’m an idiot. An idiot whose sleep deprived. Whatever. Time to level up my monk.

soo in the 6th gsl finals

Wow. I just watched… soo crush classic live. Soo in his 6th GSL finals. It blows my mind. Shit. I can’t help but want to cheer for him.

But… at the same time. I gotta stop. Because Soo winning / losing is outside my control. I shouldn’t want something to happen either way. Whatever happens happens. That’s for the best. It’s a mixture of stoicism and surrender. I think that’s my new outlook on life.

Man. It’s like… ego vs letting go. But when you let go… to me my ego is telling me that it’s equivalent to giving up. Or not being able to make it. And there’s no way I’m not able to make it. I’ll always make it if it’s possible.. so it’s like. Conflict yo. Ego vs surrender. Accepting things as they are and not wanting a specific future. That’s kinda hard. I think it’s not the wanting that’s bad… it’s the grasping. Hard to explain. You can want to shape your future, but you gotta be okay with whatever happens. I really want Soo to win the finals. Honestly… it’s like a cycle. He looks unstoppable prior to the finals and then… he chokes / crashes. Blargh. Whatever. I guess I’m okay with him losing.

So I’m mostly recovered. Gonna have 2 solid hours to write some code today. After Phillippines I took another 6 day vacation recovering. I learned that physical sickness makes me mentally weak beyond belief. I guess shitting yourself will break you mentally. At the same time… now that I’m mostly recovered from the stomach virus or whatever. I feel all powered up. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I am a saiyan after all. I can feel my power rising. LOL. It’s like. Damn. I’m so strong now.

The mental thing. The feeling over my mental power getting stronger than before. It’s just… surprising I guess. I mean. Physically, you don’t go from 0 to beyond your max. But mentally, you can literally go from negative to like… an uber badass overnight. There’s like no mental limit to how strong you can become. Or. Is there? Either way… I’m feeling pretty unstoppable right about now.

So. To conclude. Physical sickness makes me mentally weak. I guess mental sickness would make me mentally weak… but to my knowledge I have no mental sickness. I’m back. Stronger and better than ever. Heh.

literally shit the bed twice

I’m just gonna post an embarassing story… I guess I gotta write about the good and the bad and just be true to myself. I don’t think there’s a moral to this story… well there might be. There probably is but anyways… here’s the story.

I went to the Phillippines and uh… on the day that all my friends left I decided to stay an extra night at the 5 star hotel. I woke up and my pee was super yellow so I was really dehydrated… I didn’t know why but whatever. Then I took a dump and it was all liquid… so I guess that explains the dehydration.

The next night… I didn’t really pay much attention. But what happened was… I basically woke up and there was liquid shit in my boxers and bed. Urgh. Fucking gross. So yeah. I shit my bed. I think I ate something bad or whatever… but no big deal. I tough it out for 3 days and then I’m recovered. Life is good. Except.

At this point I’m thinking. I’ve made it. I’m recovered. My gut has the necessary bacteria. I’m basically a local now. I can eat street food and drink tap water. Horrible. Fucking. Idea. So then when I was recovered I got a bit more adventurous with my food and drinks.

I’ve been in Japan for two days now. Yesterday was really bad and this morning I woke up to shitting my bed in Tokyo. Urgh. Fucking gross. I don’t even know… it’s like. When I’m awake I don’t shit myself, but when I’m asleep I guess the shit just leaks out? Either way.. the virus is ruining my plans.

I was planning to be super productive when I got back to Tokyo. Writing lots of code and shit. Now… I’m like super dehydrated but I don’t wanna drink water because it’ll probably get shat out. Urgh. So thirsty… I don’t even wanna play video games. I just wanna be healthy. Blargh.

So uh. The moral of the story is. Don’t get cocky. Sigh. If only I was safe and didn’t get a second dose of whatever the crap was. Or… all your plans goes to shit when you get sick. Blargh. I guess for now I just gotta go with the flow. No big deal. Nothing I can’t handle. Surrender to the universe and me shitting myself at night. No big deal. =_=

Pretty embarassing. But more… that I feel that my days have been wasted. Urgh. Okay. Gonna go back to watch welcome to NHK now.

tadaima

I’m finally back home. I just showered. Life is good. Life is always good.

You know for all the bureaucracy and paperwork that I complain about in Tokyo, getting through the airport is actually quite fast. Both leaving haneda and getting back in. Then again I travel at off times. Sigh. I kinda want to complain about travel again. It’s like… one on hand technology is so amazing. Kings in the past couldn’t travel on airplanes cause they didn’t exist. On the other hand, the terrorists have won. Why the hell you gotta take off your shoes. Also, why you gotta separate your fucking laptop?! That.. just blows my mind. It’s like… such a pain in the fucking ass. Okay. I was gonna rant more, but don’t wanna be put on the government watchlist for having terrorist, bomb and rant in the same sentence. Whoops, wrote it anyways.

Japan is my temporary home. Do I want it to be my permanent home? Hmmmm. I don’t think I could handle the culture here… I guess it could be my permanent home if I could afford a luxury condo, and not have to work in a Japanese company. But I guess that doesn’t really matter either way for now.

It’s strange I guess. That Japan is my home. My current home. I miss my SF home. My SF home was so good. But… I had to leave. Soon, I’ll have to leave my Tokyo home. Then I’ll be homeless until New York. Sigh. I’m gonna be homeless.

I haven’t meditated or coded in awhile so I’m stoked to do both this week. It’s like… vacation was a big reset. Hmmmm. What’s it called. I just looked at the damage on my credit card. It’s not that bad. But, I definitely treated myself. I think the total damage was 2k over 10 days. Which is 200 usd per day. Which is… way over my daily budget. The massages were so good. I’m recovered now from my cardio death. Time to run and do weights and code. I guess it’s worth it. Time will tell.

I missed the French Open live, but I’m happy that Rafa won. I’ve always been a fan. Brute force Rafa over graceful Federer.

Vacation time just feels… so different. Even though I know time passes at the exact same rate regardless. Vacation time is a big time bend. The 10 days… just felt longer than… the usual 10 days in Japan. Crazy huh. Well. Gonna wind down for bed and get ready to crush it. Heh. Waku Waku wa~

milk tea delivered for

Wow. I got Milk Tea delievered for $6. It’s been awhile since I had boba delivered. I guess… the Postmates business model wouldn’t work in the Phillipines. Or maybe… it’ll work super well because… I dunno. But delivery is so cheap. Everything is so cheap. Apparently minimum wage in Phillippines is… 400 per day which is like. $10 usd. So the average person makes $400 usd in a month. Wow. Mind. Blown.

It’s my last day in the Phillippines. Just chilling in the hotel room and uh waiting to watch the SSL. Solar vs Innovation. I got Innovation winning by overwhelming force. Since my friends left I’ve been having the chillest vacation. I got a massage today. For $30 you get a 2 hour massage. I can’t believe I spent like $200 for a massage in ‘murica.

I was suppose to do some ios programming in the Phillippines… but in the end it didn’t happen. Because… maybe it’s the environment. Afterall, I’m on vacation. But I did pack 5 volumes of YuYu Hakusho and I managed to read 5 volumes in the 10 days that I’ve been here.

The morning coffee + sandwich is the best. I go to this place that is like 10 minutes from the hotel. I’m the only person in the store so it feels very chill and super exclusive. For $6 I get breakfast and delicious delicious coffee. The matcha latte and chai latte are both really good. I’m impressed by the quality of the coffee. The food is meh. But for $6, the food plus environment is the shit. Man. I’m so spoiled.

I definitely got super fat though. I’ve been eating pork belly almost every meal. No exercise. But right before I think I hit 35 minutes at 15.1 so this 10 days was a decent recovery. I’m looking forward to resuming my usual cycle and going all out at the gym. With my almost daily massages as recovery. I think I’m all set to push myself.

I’ve also been watching alot of Dragon Ball Super. I went from episode 1 ~ 75 during my time in the Phillippines. I feel like… there’s too much filler / junk. A lot of the power levels don’t make sense. How can Android 17 face Super Saiyan God Goku. Like. WTF. Sigh. That said. I’m actally enjoying it quite much. It’s like. Nostalgia plus… everyone likes a tournament arc. Especially the battle tournament.

YuYu Hakusho is so good. It’s… pretty much masterclass shounen. Togashi sensei is indeed a god. I’m not religious so… god is just sublime skill in this case. I wish Hunter x Hunter would resume. Hunter X Hunter is like… the successor and better version to a masterpiece. It’s sad but I’m already on volume 17 of Yu Yu Hakusho which means only 2 volumes before it ends. On the plus side… once I finish… I’ll have completed one of my goals which is to read an entirely new manga series in Japanese. I feel pretty badass.

I mean. When I first wrote out my Japanese learning goals. Being able to karaoke in Japanese, reading an entire manga series, playing a Japanese video game and understanding everything. It felt… really far. But then I played Persona 5 and got half of it in my first try. I beat the game understanding only half of it. Well. Probably more. But I missed a lot of the finer details. And then three playthroughs later… I’m understanding pretty much all of Persona 5. It’s just… I made the jump.

With Haskell. I’m currently reading a book. This book should hopefully get me over the hump of haskell. I feel like… I’m so close. With Haskell… I can feel my powers growing. Like. I’m one or two a-ha moments away from being mind blown and in love with Haskell. I mean. I already appreciate it to a great extend. Just writing haskell and seeing my work… it brings a smile to my face. That I can almost appreciate other people’s Haskell code. I’m waku waku.

It’s already mid June. Kinda scary. I only have 2.5 months left of Tokyo. DAMN. DAMN. When I first moved here it was like… I have an entire year. So much time to kill. Now it’s like…. only 2.5 months. Shiet son. Shiet.

One other thing I want to quickly write about is. Shit. I’m kinda worried that people will think I’m crazy. But whatever. I read somewhere that once people think you’re crazy or once your diagnosed as crazy you can’t prove your sanity. So whatever. Fuck it. I’m crazy. I walked about 2 km from the hotel to the mall. And the roads here… it’s like really narrow. So the sidewalk and the road is almost touching. The cars drive by probably less than 10 cm from you.

So during the entire walk from the hotel to the mall. My brain kept telling me I was gonna die. It was like. Every second I was super nervous and anxious. Like. Fuck. You gonna die. You gonna die. Which is.. stupid because I did the walk 3 times and I never died. Yet, my brain kept telling me I was gonna die. Sigh. Why brain why. Why you no be helpful. It’s like… the signals I’m getting is totally useless to what I want to do. In fact, it’s worse than useless, it’s a net negative cause I gotta tell myself I’m gonna live while doing the walk. So I’m walking with less available attention. I lived. So I guess that’s good.

That’s it for now. Gonna go watch Innovation crush Solar followed by hopefully the uh… big tournament in Dragon Ball Super. Oh yeah. I just wanted to write that it was great that Future Trunks didn’t turn out to be a weakling and that he beat Dabura. Cause… in my mind. Kid Gohan > Cell > Dabura. And Future Trunks SSJ2 > Kid Gohan > Dabura which is good.

It’s good when my crazy theories gets validated. Yep. I’m crazy. Deal with it.

mosquitoes

Just watching dragon ball super in my hotel when I suffered 3 mega mosquito bites. It was super itchy. I stopped watching and tried in vain to hunt and murk the mosquito. My itch was so strong, I needed to murk something. But then I thought back to meditation on the ocean. When I meditated I just let the mosquitoes bite me. I guess, it’s nature. That’s what mosquitoes do. Bite people which causes itching.

When you meditate, you just see things as they are. When you remove the ‘suffering’ or the judging it just gets… easier. I tried so hard to fight the itch, and to murk something. But when I just gave up and accepted things as they are… without forcing. The itch actually subsided. When I tried to fight the itch, when the emotions were strong the itch was strong. The more I struggled the more I felt like the itch was present.

When I just gave up and accepted it. The itch… actually felt less. It’s like… not as much in my consciousness. Meditation. Brain power. Focus. Heh.

So I guess. Just let things be as they are. Or… if it’s already happened. Let it go~. hue. hue. hue.

5 star hotel in cebu

I’m writing this post at Movenpick in Cebu. It’s a 5 star hotel. What’s funny is… It’s actually not that expensive. Actually, I don’t know. I actually don’t know how much it costs. I just put it on my credit card. America way of life?

My friends all left and I’m all alone here for the next 6 days. I wanted to do some ios programming since it’s uh… I’ll pretty much have nothing to do but we’ll see. I have a feeling that I’ll end up doing nothing simply because it’s vacation and treat yoself.

I went parasailing and scuba diving. Parasailing… was so much fun. I was really nervous because I have a fear of heights… I mean. Logically, I know that there’s nothing to be scared of because at that point there’s nothing that I can control. But I think there’s the animal brain that kept me on edge… it was a really weird experience. The views were beautiful. I guess it’s good that I’m not scared trying crazy new things no more.

Scuba diving… haha. It was actually amazing. I tried snorkling and didn’t really enjoy it because the straw would occasionally angle downwards and you’d inhale seawater. But, scuba uses the same mouthpiece without ever having seawater come in from the tank. Unless you did something wrong, which I didn’t. Scuba diving actually reminded me of meditation because it’s deep breaths and calm. Focus on the breathing and the surroundings. Scuba was over so fast… I guess it’s a sign that I entered flow state that scuba managed to go by so quickly.

My chinese is uh, getting really rusty. We were playing chinese based games and there was a whose handwriting is it game. My chinese was so bad that it was obvious the bad handwriting belonged to me. Also, there was a face pointing game and I mixed up eyebrows / eyelashes in chinese.

Phillipines so far was just 3 days with friends followed by 6 days alone. It feels very… similar. It’s like, everyone talks about the cycle of life and how life just goes in cycles and levels. It reminds me of a Carlos Condit interview I think. You go up a level, but you’re still going in the same circle. I grew a lot and I’m a much better person, but it still feels eerily similar.

I got to meditate on the beach at night. Mosquitoes were biting me and I just let them. The night sky and the sound of the waves of the ocean. It was a pretty amazing meditation… but it’s still the same meditation. One where my mind wanders into thoughts of fears, past and the future. Then a security guard came and told me to go back to the hotel cause it’s not safe at night. You know what’s weird. People calling me sir. I think I still associate with being a poor bum so being in a nice establishment and being called sir is kinda weird. I got a 30% discount for using my chased united visa card for the buffet dinner, that was surprising. It’s weird because at that level you don’t really care about the discount. It’s like when I first moved to SF and there were free meals and free t shirts everywhere. Why couldn’t the free meals and tshirts exist for when I was a poor college student?

I think it’s like, at each level you want the next level and you take for granted the level you’ve achieved. Free meals and tshirts… I should still be thankful and happy as if I were still a poor college student. Maybe. I dunno. This vacation was amazing. But I still want more. It’s like. I’m not sure if it’s just me or if it’s just everyone. But I always want more and I’m always reaching and grasping. Having read the meditation and philosophy on ways of thinking. I know that reaching and wanting things a certain way isn’t good. When you try to force the universe to bend to your will it’s usually beyond your control. But on the other hand, other people have done it and succeeded so why can’t I? I know that I can do what others have done.

What’s weird is that… my past/future feels exactly the same as when I left SF. Or when I was thinking about leaving SF. There’s always two paths… or more. Well, there’s probably more since each decision affects the future. The two choices for me are to struggle and chase greatness. Struggle to make my dreams come true. Or, to just settle and enjoy the life the way that it happens. I always lean towards the struggle and greatness but the allure of the normal and stable life. It’s quite strong. So many people live that life.

I guess in the end it doesn’t matter. Everyone dies. So just enjoy the present. You spend your whole life chasing and then you look back and it’s like. Wow. Now I’m old.

The note to myself is. Always try and do more, but it’s okay to take it easy from time to time. Try to bend the universe to your will but if it doesn’t happen it’s okay.

30 minutes at 15.1

I am a badass. I ran 30 minutes at 15.1. It was a strange experience. So I did 3 minutes of warm up between 11~13. Then went to 15.1 km/h and just ran. At minute 25 or so… man. It felt like I was gonna die. That I was liable to fall off the treadmill. Even though… I don’t think that would happen. So what happened is that I turned down the elevation to 0. I normally run with 1% elevation… even with the elevation lowered… I still felt like death. So what happened was… I gripped the handle bars for 15 seconds… then let go for 45 seconds. Between minute 25 ~ 33. So uh… I did that for 8 whole minutes. Where I would grip the handle bar to try and recover some stamina and slow down my breathing. Heh. Too jokes. Well. I told myself that I’d… run for 30 minutes today… at 15.1 or die trying. And I guess I made my goal even though I took advantage of using the bars. Which was bad… but it’s a weird feeling.

Running on the treadmill. It legitimately felt like I was gonna die… or just slow down trip and faceplant. But - if you asked me beforehand… to bet if I’d die or live. I’d bet my entire net worth on me living after 30 minutes at 15.1 with a 1% incline. Even if you take away the fact that if I died… it wouldn’t matter that I’m broke. Suppose that there was a phoenix down available so that I’d come back alive but broke. I’d still bet everything on me being alive. Anyways… I ran for the 30 minutes at 15.1. Next month is 40 minutes. Then by August.. I’ll hit the 60 minutes.

Uh. Pretty intense huh. I’ve skipped a few sessions of streaming haskell. It’s because… I can’t see the way forward. I still don’t completely understand monoids, functors, applicative functors and monads. It’s like… debugging. When you don’t know the cause/bug. It’s impossible, you just gotta keep looking. But as soon as you find it, figure it out… it becomes really easy. It’s binary. I think… you just need to have faith. I do have faith. I’m sure that I’ll eventually figure out all the greatness that haskell has to offer… but I guess… it’s just always a struggle. Like how running on the treadmill is a struggle.

Okay. Just do it. Time to stream Haskell. Even if it’s me just not writing any code and struggling. It’s time put into struggling… which I believe will make me stronger. Heh.

fitbit broke and struggling to run

My fitbit broke. I’m too cheap / lazy to buy a new one. I do want some type of heart monitoring for running, but… now that it’s gone I guess it’s back to being all mental. I mean… before fitbit I trained for a marathon blindly without knowing my heart rate… and I’m sure I can train blindly now. It’ll be fine.

I was randomly thinking about BJ Penn again. I remember writing about an article about how BJ Penn wasted his talents and that he had the ability to be the GOAT. I’ve been reading on the shortness of life. I think… people, myself included, just take things in the present for granted and then… it’s hard to face reality. It’s a combination of the world constantly evolving and the fact that time only moves forward. So at some point in time you’ll deterioriate and for me I feel like I’m just making bullshit excuses.

I mean, I’m the strongest and fastest that I’ve ever been. At the same time… it’s like. If only I had the present discipline in the past… I wonder what I could’ve been able to do. Instead of training for a shitty marathon time in 4 months I could’ve done so much more. /shrug.

So recently, I’ve been planning the rest of my time in Japan. It’s uh… shit son. June, July, August. That’s it. 90 days. Shit. 90 days, before my perfect schedule is over. Fuck. It’s like… I took it for granted. Sure, I’m hella productive… I already released 3 android apps on the play store, and I’m coding new backend features for something that I want to build. But at the same time… I spend 3 hours per day watching anime.

I mean… at some point your physical ability drops, and even now. Maybe I’m not fully pushing myself. I guess… I’m scared of growing old and wasting time. On the other hand, it’s not like I can be in the gym 24/7. It’s not that I’m scared of growing old, or even death. I mean. Death is inevitable because science is advancing slowly and the cure for aging won’t happen in my lifetime.

I forgot what I wanted to write. In my mind I had this brilliant piece of writing comparing myself to BJ Penn. I think I’m trying my best. But… maybe I’m not. And it’ll be too late when I actually put in 100% mental percent. Well. I do subscribe to the philosophy of there’s a right way, wrong way, and my way. And I do things my way. So in the end… it’s all good. Hakuna matata.

ramen making me fat

I’m getting fatter. Ohs no. But seriously, I’m the fattest I’ve ever been. It’s not surprising considering the fact that I’ve recently started eating extra large ramen 3 days a week. Thursday/Saturdays/Sundays are now ramen lunch days. Which is definitely not healthy. I also reduced my interval running and running in general since I was worried about overtraining causing me to not improve. We’ll see what happens after my vacation in the phillipines.

I started reading how time just goes by. On the shortness of life. It’s a pretty interesting book. It basically talks about how everyone feels like they’ll live forever, and then when it’s too late that they realized that their lives has passed them. Today, I was thinking about skipping jpop dance class. I didn’t skip, but a part of me really wanted to stay home and do nothing. Hard to explain why… I feel like doing nothing is literally the default state for me. Not sure if it’s just me or if it extends to humans in general. Probably just me. Anyways, I went to jpop dance class and of course, it was lots of fun. I got a solid dose of exercise. I didn’t want to do my sauna/ice bath/jacuzzi cycle. Actually, I always do enjoy it. And I look forward to it, but yet… I don’t really want to do it. Since… sauna is really hot, and ice bath is really cold. But then… the jacuzzi afterwards just feels so amazing. On my last cycle, I was just sitting alone in the manmade onsen. The place was so beautiful. I was all alone, enjoying the onsen. I could hear the train in the background, feel the breeze and just… it was a moment in the present that I really enjoyed. I wish I could capture the moment forever, I noticed it and tried to etch it into my memory. Me, living in Japan, relaxing after jpop dance and the cycle. The onsen, it’s just so amazing. I’m so thankful. And yet, right before that point in time… I didn’t even want to go to jpop dance class.

I recently finished reading the aziz anzari book on modern romance. It was a pretty interesting read, especially the part about Japan. There was a passage that stuck out to me, it’s was like. Comparing passionate love to compassionate love or whatever. There’s no point in chasing the passionate love all the time because it would be the equivalent of doing cocaine or ecstasy all the time. And of course, I agree. It doesn’t make sense to be doing cocaine all the time or whatever, but it made me think about my doing nothing. I mean… my default is doing nothing. In a way, the best thing that I enjoy is doing nothing. But if you told me that I could do nothing everyday for the rest of my life I’d be like… fuck. That be the same as just killing myself. It’s pointless and stupid.

So in a way it’s a weird paradox. I wanna do nothing all the time. But then, if I get to do nothing all the time it’d be dumb as fuck. It’s weird because… I really want to do nothing a lot of the time. Well, tomorrow I’m gonna be going to toudai for a festival. I’m pretty excited for that actually. It’s a once a year event at toudai. It’s like the toudai culture festival. Heh. And the reason that I found out about the culture festival is because… I started going to weekly toudai lunch activity where toudai people get together to just have lunch and chat. How did I start going to the toudai weekly gathering? Well, I went to a party that my friend invited me to - met a toudai phd student and asked him to show me around toudai. Wait, how did I meet the guy that organized the party? Oh. I met him at a Christmas party I went to with my friend who was visiting from America.

Funny right. All I wanna do is stay home and play video games… and yet tomorrow I have one of my most anticipated events which happened through a series of me leaving the house and not playing video games. So I think… in the end it’s all about discipline. You gotta do what you know is right or good even when you don’t feel like it.

Want to know something else that’s funny that I never thought I’d think or write about while on vacation in Japan? I was… “too tired to play video games”. Yep, I thought that and wrote that. I was too tired to play video games. What. The. Fuck. I’ve been getting…. 7~9 hours of sleep every day. I can take naps whenever I want. I eat whenever I want… and yet… I’m too tired to play video games. On vacation. In Japan. Uh. Yeah. That’s something that if you asked me if it was possible… I’d be no. That’s not. But… yeah. It happened. That… blows my mind.

Oh yeah. Back to getting fat. Shit. I’m old now. I’m almost 28. It’s the age where your metabolism slows down and people get fat. You know what’s funny? Metabolism slowing down only happens to other people, it wouldn’t happen to me. I actually thought that… when I saw that happen to my older friends. It’s like… pssh, it won’t happen to me. Even though I know it will.

I have a vision of what I want, and I work towards it. But I’m still always pulled by procrastination… and doing nothing. Well, I guess the good news is that I’m definitely getting better. I think now I’m at probably 4/7 days a week of commiting code to my side projects. I’m close to finishing Haskell 101. But it’s like… damn. Why do I still prefer to do nothing over working. Even though I enjoy working. Like… coding in my room, sennheiser 650… fridge stocked with goods. It’s the dream. And yet, I rather do nothing. The ultimate Alan paradox.

Oh yeah. The other day, I had an ice cream bar, a green tea ice cream sandwich, and a strawberry ice cream cone. Because, fuck it. Treat yoself. My fridge was stocked. Sigh. And I wonder why I struggle to run and that I’m getting fatter. /shrug. On the other hand… I hit a new personal deadlift record. I’m the fastest that I’ve ever been. Heh. I guess I’m still on the up and up. So life is good.

Well. Gonna play some video games and watch some anime. Life is pretty good. :)

wow... time just flies

Uh. So. I kinda took a one week break. I basically spent one week doing… nothing? Not doing real work… or studying haskell. I still read some manga… but I actually have no idea how I spent my time. Probably just wasted on hacker news.

But it’s fixed now. Because I went to the gym today. I think having habits and good routine that you can fall back on just eventually resets you back towards the path. I ran for 15 minutes at 15.1 km/h. So… 25% of the way towards my 60 minute goal. Except… I should be 66% of the way there since… it’s already mid may and uh… I only have 33% of Tokyo time left. Damn. DAMN. Time goes by so fast.

There’s been an article that I’ve been meaning to read. But I still haven’t gotten to reading. On the shortness of life by Lucious Seneca. I mean. Perception of time is just… it’s been studied but I think everyone feels time differently, even though time is the same for everyone. I mean… running that 20 minutes on the treadmill… feels like forever. Sitting in the sauna for only 8 minutes… feels like forever. But then watching anime on netflix.. time goes by so fast.

I mean… it felt like just… recently that I moved to Japan and was playing Persona 5. It blew my mind. And suddenly it’s May and I’ve put in over 100 hours into Persona 5. Heh. Yeah. Well. I’m gonna work on lesson 8 of Haskell. I think I’m almost done with the whole course. The last 2 assignments… I’m just gonna try and learn from the solutions because I’ve struggled enough. I think… struggle -> solution is better learning anyways. I guess learning my own way is why I’m enjoying it much more than my actualy university experience. Oh man. The actual university experience is just so… bad. Like… if I had to be graded on this stupidity… I’d just be so sad. But since I’m learning just for learning it feels so much better.

I recently discovered the scoring on karaoke machines. Can’t wait til I can hit the 90 points. That’s my goal. 90 points. My mind is blown… the people that I’ve been going to karaoke with… they all hit 90. Dafaq. I think it’s a combination of me being bad and also them being good. It makes the gap look much bigger. But it’s okay. I know that through effort and practice I’ll reach 90 points. I think that’s the most important lesson. That hard work and persistance can get you to 90% of pro.

As for the last 10%… I dunno. I think you just gotta be obsessed and crazy. Really into it. If you aren’t really into it. You won’t ever reach the pinnacle. Which. Is okay for certain things. Okay. Time to Haskell.

sweet paradise

Yesterday I went to Sweet Paradise, it’s a all you can eat dessert place. Omg. Mind blown. Too jokes. It was so delicious. It’s funny that… 70 minutes just goes by so fast. I probably ate too much but it was my only meal of the day. After Sweet Paradise all I did was drink water and play video games. Damn. My life is so good.

I’m currently listening to the Elon Musk ted talk - the guy is a true visionary. Sweet Paradise only made me borderline weaker… I still managed to run 1 minute at 19.6 km/h. I’m almost ready for 20 km/h. Actually, I think I can do it right now. I just gotta extend the 1 minute to 5 minutes and I’ll be done.

Haskell is uh.. quite the interesting learning experience. I do think that it changes your way of thinking and makes you a better software developer. But at the same time… I feel like people who manage to learn it is like… self selection. Like. The people that learn Haskell are the people that are good at Software Engineering and they always try to improve. So it might not be so much that Haskell makes them better so much that they were gonna be better anyways. Yeah. I’m a narcissist.

Wow. Elon Musk. Damn. He dreams big. I started reading YuYu Hakusho and it’s really good. Exist Archive is really grindy but it reminds me of Valkyrie Profile so the nostalgia factor actually making me really enjoy the game. It’s weird. I planned to learn Haskell in my time in Japan. And now that I’m doing it… it’s actually so much fun. Like. I guess it reminds me of all the other things that I think about. Like skiing. I always think skiing fucking sucks cause it’s cold and shit. But whenever I decide to actually go skiing. It’s so much fun. Heh. The same thing happens with doing hard shit I guess.

So maybe. In a way. Building Tesla and SpaceX while stressful and hard work… is actually fun. O.O

Alright. Going to stream Haskell learning now. Man. I feel so dumb when streaming. But… I also know that I’ll get stronger and smarter through effort.

pre golden week

It’s pre golden week. Saturday night. I just got back from the gym after doing jpop dance. I also tried to squeeze in a quick sprint and some weights. Sigh. Recently I’ve been constantly scraping my shins when doing deadlifts. Which causes me to take a break from deadlifting. Which makes me weak… which causes me to scrape my shins? Urgh. It’s funny because… I only scrape my shins when I space out. And I spaced out today so I scraped my shins. I forget what I was thinking about… but basically when I’m focused on my form and not scraping my shins. I don’t scrape my shins.

I’ve been meditating daily for awhile now… and I think I’m starting to get better at it. For one… I don’t just count to time until it’s done now. It actually energizes me in the mornings.

For my running goals. I hit 35 minutes at 14.1 km/h. I want to be at 60 minutes at 14.5 ~ 15 km/h by September. So uh… I’m not progressing at a linear scale. It’s been over half a year since I moved to Tokyo. By now I should’ve hit 40 minutes at 14.5. But I don’t really do many distance runs because it feels so boring and takes so long.

Muscle up / Planche / Human flag is uh… it’s like binary. I still can’t do any of the 3. I’m working on the planche progressions though.

I started playing Exist Archive. It is indeed the spiritual successor to Valkyrie Profile. The battle system and exploration system is so fun. Even though it feels like the story is non existent… I’m quite enjoying the game. What’s funny is that Exist Archive is a game aimed at kids, so there’s less chinese characters and now I can actually read faster than the voice acting. I feel so badass.

Been struggling with Haskell. It’s weird… I guess adopting the beginner mindset is hard. Or rather… it’s frustrating to start from scratch. It’s probably because my expectations aren’t reflecting reality. I should just adjust my expectations. I picked up golang really easy because it’s very similar to OO programming languages like Java/C++.

It’s summer weather here in Tokyo already. So nice. Today I walked in sunlight, the day was beautiful. I had delicious Japanese pho and vietnamese iced coffee. Heh. I’m trying not to think about leaving in September. Wow. That’s like… less than… 4 months. Damn. Only 4 months left of Tokyo paradise. heh.

I think my gym is gonna be closed for golden week. I’ll also spend a lot of time with friends so… gotta try and not pig out too much and undo all my progress. Off to play video games now. Life is good. I started reading some new programming books. Coders at work. It’s pretty interesting to hear about famous legendary people talk about their programming experiences. Maybe one day I’ll reach legendary status and write something on the scale of memcached. Heh. It’s weird. Writing that sentence… it’s like… I don’t believe I can write something as great as memcached. But… at the same time I know I have the skills to do it. Well… my version would probably be shitter. /shrug. It’s a paradox. I don’t believe I can do it but I know that I can do it. Meh.

I think I actually like Exist archive more than Final Fantasy XV. Man. I think FFXV was just… a disappointment to me. It had the potential to be so good… but it was barely mediocre. /shrug

week journal

Today… running in the gym was just ridiculously hard. so was doing weights.

yesterday was my rest day. i had a big salty cha siu ramen. followed by coffee and milk tea. followed by a donburi for dinner. this morning i had a second donburi for breakfast…

before my workout… i decided to take a 3 hour nap. heh. so… too many variables… I’m gonna write down my guesses for what made me weak.

ramen - the ramen was really salty. i think i was dehydrated for most of yesterday? the 3 hour nap. i woke up… and went to the gym within 45 minutes of waking up from a deep sleep. the donburi breakfast. that breakfast is much heavier than my usual breakfast. the milk tea??

uh. since i don’t wanna cut out ramen. i’m just gonna avoid the 3 hour nap for next week. i’m gonna play for a ramen thursday. and then do a regular breakfast next friday. hopefully that’ll prove it wasn’t the ramen and probably the nap.

but what’s crazy is… the level that my body was… operating at. I was struggling to do the run at my warm up speed. my warm up run… took my heart rate to 165. normally my sprint heart rate takes me to 165. today the warm up got me there. urgh. nap or noodles is bad for my heart yo.

it’s time to continue with my haskell streaming. i mean learning.

t shirt weather

I just wrote in my diary “fuck. my life is so good” and… it really is. heh.

last week was basically getting back on schedule. going to the gym MWF and trying to up my sprint / interval training. it’s finally summer. or… it’s t shirt weather. i wore a t shirt outdoors yesterday and today. it’s 21C at 7pm. that’s spring in tokyo. i’m kinda worried about 41c summer.

the thing is. i think… no matter what there’s always negative aspects that exist. i’ve been looking forward to the warm weather for the longest time. and now that it’s finally here. i’m really glad. and thankful. and happy. but at the same time… there were bugs and mosqitoes already. sigh. urgh. there’s always something bad i guess.

i started learning / streaming haskell. haskell has been an interesting experiment. i’m only in… chapter 2. or week 2 of the lectures. it’s fun to be a beginner again. also frustrating. it’s like… i feel like all the problems would be trivial in python. but doing it in haskell… it’s like my brain just struggles to translate. i guess it really is like learning a human language. i just can’t express myself properly yet.

i started playing exist archive. it really does feel like a spiritual successor to valkyrie profile. the gameplay is similar and… the animation is beautiful. persona 5, star ocean 4, final fantasy xv and now exist archive. i’m finally get to feed my jrpg uh… hunger? now if only there was a xenogears / xenosaga like series.

i’m thankful that i can take a university level haskell course in tokyo. like… i’m getting so much education from the comfort of my home. haskell is actually beautiful. i can’t wait til i’m proficient at it. i’m thankful that it’s spring and there’s more sunlight. it’s helping me wake up at 830 and just be more cheerful. i’m thankful that i have complete freedom in my schedule. the highlight of my day is probably my 10 minute nap before jpop dance class. that nap was so amazing. lmao. damn. yeah. my life is so good.

my current schedule is reading books, learning haskell, gym, learning japanese, and playing video games. :D i still can’t believe. well… i did plan for this. so i get to enjoy the fruits of my planning. heh.

post osaka and hanami

Today is Sunday… finally I get a stay at home and do nothing day. Writing a new entry is the only thing left planned for the day. The rest is gonna be spent watching Starcraft and House of Cards. lol.

I finished filing my taxes for 2016. Just when I downloaded my completed and submitted form… I realized I missed an electronic only tax form for exercising my options. Sigh. That means I’ll have to amend and probably pay back some of my refund. It’s only a minor annoyance. I’m sure I’ll still get a refund. It just means I gotta amend and figure out how to pay the difference. But… it annoys me.

Osaka was… interesting. Went to see the castle. Travelling with others… it just feels like a loss of freedom. The five star hotel was… nothing special. I mean… the executive lounge was nice. You get free breakfast and drinks with a badass view. I actually really enjoyed going to the lounge dressed as a bum… for some reason that’s like… really fun for me.

Kyoto was all old style architecture and nature. What’s funny is… vacation with my friends who are on vacation… is like worse than my regular day to day life. It’s official. My regular life is better than vacation. Dream life reached? In a way it was almost always like that.

Went to the gym yesterday… and I uh… struggled. Sigh. I’m just mentally weak right now.. not sure why. I mean… my fitbit said my heart rate was ~170… so I know that I could’ve ran more. but… I caved and slowed down. It’s like… I know I’ll be okay and that I can do more… but I chose to do less. When running… it just feels like I’m gonna die… even though I know I’m not.

Went to yoyogi park twice for hanami twice. Finally saw the cherry blossoms… and it’s not as expected. I guess in a way… reality and expectations are generally way different.

I’ve been having this feeling recently… it’s like. I know I can do more. It’s like… always the case. I can always do more. I guess I gotta take it easy for bit. I dunno.

I’m looking forward to Haskell learning this weekend.

Sigh. I got weaker. It’s a fact. I think… getting weaker is like… I didn’t want to face reality. In my mind… I knew that vacation, eating junk food, not working out would make me weaker. But like… I didn’t want to face reality. I avoided doing deadlifts for like… a few workouts… because I was afraid to face the fact that I was weaker. I’m weaker now… and I’m slower now… than last December. It’s… reality. But I know that I can become stronger.

It’s time for me to focus. I’ve been partying too much and eating too much. My sleeping has been bad… but I’m gonna fix it. Because I can and I will. I still have 5 months of Japan. Wow shit. Only 5 months left.

I still need to hit… 45 minutes of running. Damn. I’m not even close to human flag.. or planche. But I know that I can do it. I just need to focus. It’s time to eliminate. No more crap food and shitty sleeping.

Okay. Gonna enjoy my Sunday now. I’m thankful that I got to stay in a 5 star hotel in Osaka and travel Osaka and Kyoto with my friends. I’m thankful that my Japanese friends introduced me to interesting people that I wouldn’t otherwise met. I’m thankful that taxes was easy. That even though I made a mistake… that the mistake is an easily fixable one. Life is good. I’m on the up and up.

dont smile or you'll get wrinkes

Wow. Today was like… a near perfect day. It’s like… the kind of day that I dreamed of when I was living in SF.

Even though I didn’t start the day off good. I uh… woke up at 1pm. I slept at like… 3am the night before. Meditated for 30 minutes after waking up.

Had lunch with a bijin~ I finally got to try this place that I walked by. It was Japanese-styled pho. I think the serving size was small… it was definitely less pho compared to North American standards… but it was so good. And it reminded me of home because pho is universal. Also had a delicious delicious vietnamese styled coffee. The coffee is also universal and always good. The drip and condensed milk. OMG. So good.

Then had desserts + coffee at this other place. It’s this super cool place that I walked by before when I was exploring with another friend. The coffee shop was so good. It was smoke free, the coffee was delicious and the chocolate cake. OMG. OMG. OMG. Just writing about it brings a smile to my face. Shit. Don’t smile. You’ll get wrinkles.

Went to the gym at 7pm. I actually forgot my shorts. But, no big deal. I was like. Yo. I forgot my pants today in Japanese. And the guy was like no problem, it’s gonna be 400 yen to rent a pair of shorts. It would’ve taken me 30 minutes to walk back and forth… so fuck it. I paid a $4 lazy tax to rent a pair of shorts. I did my usual 10 minute run. 15.8 wow. THat’s like 9.8 mph. For 7 minutes. Hehehe. Still far from my 5 minute mile… but getting closer.

Then did bench + rows + leg curls. Couldn’t deadlift because only one rack and it was constantly taken. No biggie. I normally go during old people hours. This 8pm gym is a rare occurence. Then I did the sauna + ice bath + hot tub cycle. 3x. I did the full 3x cycle. Oh man. It’s so refreshing. It’s like… just thinking about it. The sauna it starts good, then you get some discomfort… and then it’s like a mental challenge. Same with the ice bath. Starts good… discomfort and mental challenge. Followed by pure zen in the hot tub. Damn. That cycle is so magical.

So anyways. My friend told me his mom told him that smiling gives you wrinkles. So don’t smile. And since hearing that I’ve been trying not to smile. And I notice that… I actually smile way to much. Maybe it’s because I’m actually aware that I’m smiling now. Or maybe I’m just more cheerful. Anyways… today was a day full of smiles. Whatever. Life is pretty damn good.

Came home at like 10pm. I bought some ingredients. I made miso soup + udon. Shit. Tofu miso soup with udon. It actually tasted surprisingly good. Tofu miso soup is actually easy to make. It’s delicious. And it worked with udon. My dinner was so good. Had a protein shake after, watched space brothers. Did 1.5 hours of coding on my android app. Was productive as fuck.

Then watched midnight diner in Japanese. My Japanese is getting so good. Now. It’s 2am. Gonna play probably an hour, an hour and a half of Star Ocean 5 before calling it a night.

But honestly, today is like… the perfect dream Japan day. I just wanna write this down. Remember it. I’m thankful. I’m thankful that I’m in Japan. I’m thankful that the universe aligned. Even though I believe in chaos theory and that there’s no free will. Today was fucking awesome.

jpop hehe

Let’s see. Exactly one week since last post. So not too bad.

My app is officially on the app store. Hue. Hue. Hue. It’s an mvp and hella glitchy… but I’m gonna start pushing my friends to get it soon. hue. hue.

Today was… really amazing. It’s like… the ideal day. It’s perfection. Today… woke up. Ordered 2 donburis to get delivered to my house. Ate lunch. Watched the GSL semi-finals… played Star Ocean 5. Went to the gym and did jpop dance. Came back… did a quick commit on my next android app. Followed by some more Star Ocean 5.

I think… for me with JRPGs. It just takes me awhile to get into it. For a long time… Star Ocean 5 was meh… but now I’m all excited for synthing lazer weapons again. In each game laser weapons are OP.

Thursday I went to the theme park in Sunshine city. Friday I went to a meetup/st patrick’s day party in shimbashi. Made some new friends and got to practice Japanese. I can listen at a native level, but I don’t understand shit. Urgh. Right now… I’m just repeating what I’m hearing in my mind to like… practice the listening. But it’s like… I wish I could understand. But soon. I feel like… it was just yesterday when everyone was talking too fast. Now everyone isn’t talking to fast. My typing using the Japanese cellphone input system is also much faster now. I think I can write whatever I want to say in like 30 seconds now. Damn.

I did the spa cycle today… so relaxing. Man. Japan life is so good. I definitely don’t want it to end. Even though I know that I’ll only be in Japan for… another 8 months. Damn. Only 8 more months of Japanese practice before I have to sell all my shit and return home.

wow pretty much mid march

Damn. My real android app is blocked because I violated the android tos. Hopefully it’ll be ready for March 15. I’ll definitely resubmit it by then… but I’m at the mercy of google people.

I’ve been kinda doing the ios equivalents… but now I realize I gotta have an actual ios device to do a lot of the development…. which means I might not do an ios version at all… since the only ios device I want would be a completely waterproof iPhone… which should exist in the iPhone 8.

So Henry left and I’m all alone again… and it’s pretty awesome. I went to the gym today… ran one minute at 18 km/h. Did the spa cycle. I’m still weaker than peak me from December though… so I gotta work on that. Urgh. It’s unfortunate that I’m the type to lose muscle really quickly. Some of my friends just have insane baseline strength that makes me jealous.

I started watching Ajin. Damn. It’s so good. I watched 12 episodes in one day. hehe.

I think I might reorder the way I do my mobile apps. I might just make… 6x android apps. And then only port over to ios the ones that gain traction.

Meditation has been… weak. I think… I’ve just been taking it too easy. lmao. I’m struggling to sit in a chair for 30 minutes. Well. Just focusing on my breath is really hard. Blargh. What sucks is that… it’s a regression. It’s like. I KNOW that I’m better… and that I regressed. It’s just really demoralizing. Even though I know the mastery curve should expect regressions followed by a sharp jump. I guess… I just gotta keep meditating. It’s what I’ll do.

Now that my schedule is back to complete freedom and flexibility. Heh. Next week is packed with spending time with Japanese locals. Can’t wait to practice Japanese again. Oh man. Watching Ajin with Japanese subtitles. I can read the subtitles faster than they are spoken… now I just need to focus on the rare new kanjis… which are few and far between. I feel pretty badass.

I stopped planning my days and being thankful. So I think I’m gonna restart doing that. For today. I’m thankful that I finally scheduled desserts with this chinese girl living in Japan that was introduced to me by a friend. There’s so many levels of thankful. It’s like… thankful that I met the super cool friend in America. He’s a super cool guy. Thankful that I get to have desserts next Wednesday with a cute bilingual girl. Thankful that I finally made it happen. Today was actually just a really nice day. It’s almost sweater weather again.

During meditation… I think I just focus too much on the future. Meditation should help me rebalance this. I really just enjoyed the moment today during my sauna -> ice bath -> jacuzzi. Especially that last jacuzzi session. It’s like… I got nothing to worry about. My mind was pretty empty… just sitting in a hot tub in a beautiful gym in tokyo. Like damn.

My dream has been realized. I’m living it. Heh. That brings a pretty big smile to my face.

omg soo won

Hmmm. Three good things about today. Let’s see. I went to the gym sick and I feel so much better now. Soo fucking won. Henry is back from his trip and we’re gonna have a party weekend. Hehe. Life is good.

Funny how the three happy things are also the biggest things. So today, this morning I woke up with a sore throat. I’ve been kinda sick since Monday. I think… being sick is a function of me being an idiot. I started watching Ice Fantasy which is a Chinese wuxia/fantasy show on Netflix. And they actually make it episodic on purpose so each episode always leaves you hanging. Blargh. Anyways, I’ve been basically sleeping between 2~4am for the past… 5 days. I blame that for causing my sickness. Shitty low quality sleep generally leads to lower immune system and sickness. =

The good thing was that somehow went to the gym today. I guess I really gotta thank my habits. Today was the GSL at 630pm. I told myself I’d just go to the gym for a 15 minute run and some chill recovery time in the sauna. When I got there… even sick. The 15 minute run felt quite easy. I guess it’s a sign of goodness, if I can do the run while sick… I can’t wait till I’m healthy. It’s almost 6 months so I gotta hit the 30 minute 15km/h checkpoint. My yearly goal is 60 minutes of 15 km/h or 9mph. So I gotta make sure that I’m making consistent progress.

I’m so grateful that I’m living in Japan and that Japan has the same timezone as Korea. GSL RO8. Watching it live. OMG. Watching it live is so good. and watching Soo come back 0-2 against TY to win 3-2. That just blew my mind. Who doesn’t love the underdog story? Also… Soo… the silver surfer and the sufferer. I feel like… you just gotta root for someone who doesn’t give up despite all the setbacks that he’s endured. Soo is probably my favorite player to cheer for just because each time he got so close to the championship but each time someone else crushed him. I don’t think he chokes so much as that the other person is just better. Well… maybe a little bit of choking. But it’s so great that… he came back 0-2. That’s like… the champion mentality. It’s so easy to give up. But to come back from 0-2…. that’s manly.

Henry came back from his hike. So this weekend will be Japan clubbing. Hehe. Also drinking party and bbq. Damn. The other thing is… even though I was wasting a crazy amount of time watching Ice Fantasy… I still managed over 4 commits last week. I think… 4 commits per week while not ideal… is a pretty solid ‘shitty baseline’ and that’s pretty amazing. Yep. Life is good.

february is almost over

Wow. Feburary is almost over. Damn. It’s… kinda unbelievable how crazy fast time went by. Henry visited for like a week and I got pretty distracted. It’s just so much fun to hang out with him and he’s on vacation so he’s in chill explore and get food mode and in Japan you can do explore and get food mode forever and not run out of options.

I haven’t been working recently at all. It’s kinda crazy. Sigh. It’s like… I’ve been meditating every day still… but it’s like I’m just do the action without putting in the effort… which is bad. Today… on my way back from the gym I just totally spaced out and then realized that I walked past the grocery store… I then had to backtrack to the grocery store to get my snacks.

What was I thinking about? Don’t really remember… probably thinking about the future and how it can get even better? Even though I’m doing no work. Recently… I think… I just don’t want it badly enough. It’s like… I think when you’re back is against the wall… or you’ll starve if you don’t succeed you’ll work harder and succeed. But it’s like… my life in Japan is so good. I can just play video games and eat delicious food. I think… dullness is just too addicting. Just living the path of least resistance… it’s… so… what’s the word. It’s actually so captivating. To be swept away in the monotony of the day to do.

There’s only a few more things on the android app.. and honestly I think if I was in the zone I’d be able to crank it out in about 3 days. It goes back to… professionals always work. Right now… it almost feels like I’m not a pro. I started watching this uh… chinese drama on netflix. Each episode is like 45 minutes long of dullness. But it’s like… so addicting.

The other thing is… I think you just default to taking things for granted. I recently found out that my spa has an amazing sauna and ice bath. So I can do the sauna -> ice bath training which is really good for your health. Oh yeah. For dinner I had a delicious donburi, takoyaki and a mocchi for dessert. Just writing that sentence brought a smile to my face. hehehe.

Tomorrow I’ll be getting desserts with a cute japanese girl. On one hand it’s like… damn. My life is so freaking good. On the other hand it’s like… blargh. I haven’t been finding the ‘motivation’ to work. I’ve been lazy and just not being thankful and enjoying things. Weird. It’s like a paradox. Although… looking back. Even when Henry was visiting I did commit code at least 3x a week. Which is pretty good.

I guess I should just celebrate the good things. Things can always be better… and I can always theoretically do better. But looking back… I’m doing pretty great. My japanese is at the level where I can almost listen to random conversations without trying… and the other day I was pure japanese almost. Starting from march I’ll go pure Japanese to solidify my learnings.

I really wanted to get my app out by feburary. It’s still within the realms of reality. I guess it’s more important to focus on the process. One commit per day. On average will always bring you closer to the goals.

Well. Writing about how great my life is made me feel better. heh. So I think I should start doing the 3 thankful things again. That always helps. It’s like… you think you don’t need it… but you always do.

fat and outta shape

So I just got back from the gym. My legs weighed a ton each as I was trying to run on the treadmill. lmao. Sigh. The funny thing is… I kinda knew I wouldn’t be able to run… and lift and that I regressed. It’s like… I just wanted to avoid reality.

Today is Friday. Last week thursday was my rest day which consisted of cheesecake and junk food. Friday night was a double dinner, followed by a japan night out until 6am, followed by ramen at 6am followed by sleeping in until 3pm. Sunday, was a bbq + izakaya + desserts. Tuesday was tiramisu + thousand layer crepe cake. lmao. Yesterday was.. just junk. sigh.

My sleeping has been messed up since I stopped using alarms. I’ve been sleeping at 3am and waking up around 1130. That quality of sleep is bad… and I feel that I lose my most productive hours. blargh.

Well. What’s the moral of the story? It’s a combination of you keep doing what you do and you keep getting what you got. Or rather… I think I’m at the point where I can no longer eat junk and workout to balance it out. Which is unfortunate… shit. I’m the oldest I’ve ever been. Actually, yesterday I was actually full. Like… to the point where I couldn’t eat. Normally I only get ‘full’ when I’m at an all you can eat buffet… but yesterday I got full from normal food. O.O. It’s a sign I’m getting old. lmao.

Someday I’ll write clean and concise articles for the entire world.. but for now it’s just for me. I gotta take care of myself first. I’ve been enjoying japan a little too much I think. Well. I told myself if I took an entire year off to play video games… it would be okay. But logging 100+ hours for FFXV and 100+ hours for Persona 5. That’s 200 hours. That’s…. uh. 5 weeks of full time work. At the same time… I haven’t been coding as much. Another lie to myself. I think it comes from not wanting to confront reality almost. In my mind… one app a month was so easy. It’s only 3 hours per day. I think 3 hours a day is actually doable… but that’s 3 hours of perfect coding zen. Which is kinda hard to get into.

I renewed my working holiday visa yesterday. It’s actually not completely renewed since I gotta go back once more once they mail me some shit. But that was essentially an entire day wasted. 1/365 of my japan was spent doing visa.

I guess something that’s good is that… I’ve been recently watching this time travel taxi drama on netflix raw. Not only is it expanding my Japanese vocabulary… since I can figure out the meaning of words via context and filling in the gaps… it’s also hella entertaining and funny. I guess it’s good that my Japanese is at the level of bootstrapped. This girl didn’t know the translation for metabolism and then I asked for the Japanese explanation and then I totally got it. hue. hue. hue.

I think I’m still struggling on finding the balance between work and play. I mean… work is almost play for me since I enjoy coding. But at the same time… playing video games is like… so much better.

Sigh. I guess… the moral of the story is… it’s time for me to truly eat healthy. I was watching this stand up comedian and he was like… McDonalds is poison. He was making fun of salads and healthy shit existing in McDonalds when you know it’s fucking poison. Desserts is so delicious… but it’s essentially poison. It makes me weaker and at this point is preventing me from reaching the fabled 5 minute miles and getting my gainz. Sigh. I guess… I gotta give it up. Desserts will only be once per week. Probably.

The thing is. My fridge is stocked with delicious goodness. And I don’t really believe in like… depriving yourself. It’s like… counter intuitive. I think… just suffering through a 5 minute run where my legs weighed like a ton… will definitely affect me the next few times I’m about to have dessert. So it’ll all work out for the better. But damn.

Recently, I’ve been taking it mentally easy. Sleeping in. Eating junk. Meditating poorly. I think… it kinda spills over. I can’t wait til spring is here and I don’t have to turn on the heater before hiding back into bed. Right now… I have two alarms. One to wake up and turn on the heater… and another to actually wake up. Man. I miss California.

tl;dr - junk food ruining my gainz. mental laziness spills over so don’t get lazy

sigh i quit today

Okay. I’m writing it down in public. I’m going to consistently write twice a week. Thursdays and Sundays.

Today… I quit on the treadmill. It was… disappointing. I’m not gonna be too hard on myself since I hit a pretty big milestone last week. I hit 16 km/h for 7 minutes 2 days ago. I took a day off to rest… and I was expecting to hit 16.3 for 7 minutes today… but I quit at 6 minutes. =__=. Sigh. My fitbit said my heartrate was a measly 172. The thing is.. I know that my body can handle it… yet I mentally gave up. And that’s the worse.

Recently I’ve been farming FFXV so much. I’ve killed Angelus probably 200+ times. I got 9x V2s already and I think I’m gonna stop. 9x V2 and 3x ribbons for my 12 accessory slots. Heh. Man. I got really obsessed with farming my FFXV v2 gear for some reason. It totally distracted me from work. It’s one week from January 29th. Which means January is almost fucking over. Shit. I’m gonna get my android app out in January. That’s the plan. I still believe that I’ll be able to do it. But shit… I took a pretty big break from FFXV.

I gotta work on practicing more Japanese. I think I’m at a level of fluency where I can communicate brokenly, but at the same time. Whenever I’m with people that speak english/chinese I have a tendency to revert to a language I’m actually fluent in instead of practicing Japanese.

Recently… It feels like I’m always on the edge of being sick. And what happens is on my ‘rest’ days I tend to go out with my friends and take the subway. I think taking the subway and going out just makes me sicker. Bleh. I think city life is full of sick people cause it’s a never ending cycle of infection. Blargh.

Well. Gonna clear the final mega dungeons in FFXV before doing new game+ for super easy ap farm and a 2nd pair of zwill crossblades. I gotta give ignis a pair after all. Heh.

been slacking but its okay

My last commit was December 24th. That’s when I last wrote code. So I basically took a 3 week vacation… and recently I still haven’t been coding. But it’s okay.

I think I use to be too hard on myself. So I’m just gonna chill and take it easy. I’m gonna believe that I’ll naturally gravitate towards making my dream a reality. I still been having residue sickness… today I went to the gym and actually coughed on the treadmill. I’m so much weaker compared to my peak before my hiatus. I also been missing dance classes. Jpop dance classes has restarted…. I’m looking forward to it. Hehe. The other day I coincidentally went to the gym during jpop dance class time and ran into my instructor who gave me a personal invitation hehe.

Oh man. The new years resolutions are in full swing at the gym. I guess it’s good for them… I hope that they make it to the end of the year. But for me… it’s bad. I had to line up to take a shower… it was a bunch of naked guys dicks out in a line waiting to shower / seat shower. -.-“ Not something I’m used to… but I guess I’m getting accustomed to it.

I started playing FFXV more… I think I’m just gonna do the first playthrough in English… because otherwise it’s kinda annoying. I mean. Hmmmm. I guess I’ll stick with Japanese first. But the point is… I looked at the guide for getting Ultima weapon. Apparently you can get it in chapter 3… and now I can’t wait to get it. I had to switch to english to realize that cid was asking me to unequip my sword before he would upgrade it. Anyways, initial thoughts are FFXV is a worthy sequel to FFXV. It’s better than FFXIII. I’m gonna pretend that FFXIII didn’t exist… FFXII was an amazing game imo. So I’m hoping FFXV will be just as good. I already know it isn’t as good as Persona 5. FFXV just doesn’t feel polished. The long ass loading screens, the stupid quest exp system to be more western like. I wish they just went full Japan like Persona 5. Persona 5 takes place using the fucking tokyo subway system. Like damn. Can you get any more Japanese than that? Yet… it’s a masterpiece.

I need to schedule a haircut… it’ll be my last haircut before my Atsushi. It’s still too cold… else I’d Atsushi it up now. Man. I had… Aburasoba today. OMG. It’s like… so good. It’s like ramen without the soup. Different from tsukemen though. Shiet… Japan life is just so amazing. I seriously think it’s too good… like. When Japan ends… I think that’s one of the reasons that I’m almost anti working. Like. If Japan goes perfect then I can theoretically just Japan forever. But on the other hand… the future is uncertain… and uncertainty makes me lazy. In a way. I guess I gotta embrace uncertainty and yet still work hard. /shrug.

When I’m fully healthy. Hehe. For now… gonna play some FFXV… after watching the GSL. Shit. I’m watching the GSL in korea time. Japan time == Korea time. Damn. Like. I’m watching GSL live… without struggling. It’s right around dinner time. My life is so good. I’m so thankful. Thanks to past alan I’m able to live such a good life. I gotta work hard so that future alan can live a great life. heh.

just started watching code geass on netflix

So I was suppose to wrap up my annual retrospective today. What actually happened was my new years resolution of messaging everyone in my diary. Turns out… there was a lot of people. And a lot of them responded, and responding to the responses took some time. I’ll say about an hour. But that’s not what took the most time. I started watching code geass on netflix. Omg. It’s still so good. It’s a masterpiece. I’m watching it Japanese subtitled and it’s crazy. Well. I know the plot inside out so it’s more like I’m learning the japanese way of speaking. It’s just… code geass is so good.

But honestly, I feel like a wasted a whole day watching code geass. On one hand… I appreciate it. I enjoyed it. I told myself I wouldn’t be hard on myself. I’m still borderline sick. But maybe my recovery is slower because I’m enjoying myself too much. I spent my days sick just play Persona 5 and watching anime. It’s so… enjoyable. It’s almost like I don’t want to go back to work. But it’s not work… since I really enjoy it. I have found that I’ve struggled to… meditate. I still meditate… but I struggle to focus partially because I’m sick… but also partially because Persona 5 and anime is just so… simulating?

One of the lessons that I’ve learned is that… I always get out of self prescribed laziness. So it’s probably good. I should keep letting myself watch anime and eat food. I ordered two donburi’s for my meals and I didn’t leave my house. OMG. 12 manga volume of code breakers arrived today. It only cost me $15. For 12 volumes. So about $2 per volume. My mind is blown. I spend $15 for 3 hours at a manga cafe. Shit. I can start building my own manga cafe almost. rofl.

I definitely feel really spoiled. Having the manga… it’s so nice. Just arrive to my door today. Ordering delicious food. I gotta pinch myself to make sure this is reality. I mean. Wow. www. Okay. I guess I’ll write out my annual retrospective properly now that I’ve expressed how lucky I am.

Emotion - For some reason I still have a fear of rejection. Even though I know that my fear is irrational and my anxiety doesn’t reflect reality. I mean. Logically, I believe that there’s nothing that I can’t handle. But things still scare me. It’s weird that I have a fear of rejection despite the fact that I’ve been rejected by so many jobs and so many girls. /shrug. After writing the relationship part. One thing I want is to be more honest with myself. And recognize when I’m running away due to fear. The other is… I wanna allow myself to be more vulnerable I guess. It’s easy to be a selfish asshole… or is it? One of my friends, her new years resolution was to be more selfish. I think… I’m already selfish enough… so it’s probably time for me to… be nicer? I think I’m already too nice though. I dunno. I think… just being more honest and open with myself and others is my emotion goal for the year. That and recognizing real fear from fake fear.

Physical - I’m close to the best physical shape of my life. I can run a 7 minute mile as a warm up now… and my goal for this year is the 5 minute mile. I’ve been going to the gym 5 days a week in Japan and I’m diligently training for the human flag. I think I’ll finally hit one of my life goals… when I can do the human flag this year.

Relationship - I think… I’m autustic. LOL. It’s like I’m KY (can’t read the environment) but rather I think I need more mental effort to read the environment. Hmmm. Even that’s not true… when I was burned out and tired I could still read other people’s emotions and grasp subcontext in conversations. But here’s a funny story. When I was leaving SF. I was talking to a friend of mine… and I was like “Come visit Tokyo you can crash at my place”. And then he was like “Yeah, I wasn’t thinking about visiting Japan but now that a friend is there I’ll try and plan it”. And I was like. Wow. What a coincidence. Another one of your friends is going to Japan?! I didn’t say that… and it was like… months later when I realized “Shit. I’m the friend of his that’s going to Japan”. Uhhhh. I guess maybe that makes me KY. But I’m not gonna use autisim as an excuse. It’s self diagnosed and I’ve thrived in social situations… so it doesn’t really matter. I just think that it’s interesting. That was a pretty big digression… mabe that should’ve been in the emotional section. The other thing about relationships is that… I think for my time in Japan I’ll try and have a serious girlfriend. But not only that… I want to be more vulnerable? I think I’ve approached all my relationships in the past.. not caring because I didn’t want to expose myself. In all my relationships I never really exposed myself. I think I’ve read too much on negotiating and how you always want to negotiate from a position of strength with a good batna or whatever. In reality… you always have an alternative. So. I guess I’m gonna be even weaker? But… I want to be strong. hmmm. Well. I’ll see how that turns out I guess… expose myself for heartbreak more. lmao. That’s a quirky new years resolution.

Financial - Shit. I did pretty bad here. Well. Aside from the fact that I quit my job and have no income… my spending in Japan is basically unmetered with no budget. The good thing is I planned for this… so it’s not like I’ll run out of money. The other thing is… I was really stupid in the financial market. Man. I lost alot of money to this raging bull. The thing is… the bull market now… it just defies logic because everywhere I go and everyone I meet… it seems like everyone is struggling to make money. And yet stocks keep going up. Dafaq. It’s really like… the market can stay irrational longer than I can stay solvent. The funny thing is that… I think I lost around $10k. That’s uh… really messed up. It’s not even the 10k that bothers me… of the 10k… probably 8k of it was a repeated mistake. Like. It’s the same mistake I made previously. Urgh. Man. Maybe because I like Never Learn by JJ Lin I purposely never learn? Nah. I think I learned. I paid a 10k investment lesson.

Spiritual - I started meditating everyday in Japan. I’m also reading this meditation book. It basically outlines the 10 levels of meditation. Once you reach level 10… your god tier… or dalai lama tier. I’m not gonna lie… I’m meditating for really selfish reasons. I want to be god tier. The way I see it is… anything that you can achieve through drugs you can achieve through meditation. Marjiuana is great. But imagine you could be in a permanent marijuana state… through meditation. Or Molly. Shit. Molly is an indescribable feeling… and you can always feel like that. Without the negative side effects… through meditation. I’m probably only level 5…. but apparently you can reach level 10 through 3 years or so of dedicated meditation. Meditation actually helped me out a lot. It’s helpful for stopping the negative spirals… and just recognizing your fears and emotions. It’s definitely one of the meta skills. Working out and meditation is like the two pillars that support everything else that I want to achieve.

Time - I spent the first quarter of the year… just being super busy with work. Most of my diary entries were about me napping and missing workouts and yoga sessions and then beating myself up over it. That and getting high on marijuana and then writing down my brilliant insights. Food is so delicious etc. It’s funny though. One of the posts was me really looking forward to Persona 5, Star Ocean 5, and Final Fantasy XV. Persona 5… I really did enjoy every moment of it. Nerd chills man. But I have Star Ocean 5 and Final Fantasy XV right behind me… and I’m choosing to watch code geass in Japanese. Watch code geass for like… the 7th time. Well. I guess it’s the first time since I’m watching it with japanese subtitles. It’s crazy but… I actually didn’t start shuffling until this January. I met so many cool people through the SF Shuffle group. Also Miles is just super cool in general. He plays guitar/percussion/piano… yeah I have a huge man crush on Miles.

2nd quarter - I went to dominican republic for my cousin’s wedding. That was so much fun. I surfed for the first time and went ziplining. You know what’s funny… both activities were so much fun when I went. But the thought of ziplining.. I distinctly remember worrying about ziplining. Watching the video’s and the first person point of view of ziplining… I kept thinking I’d fuck up and die. Hehehe. It’s like… little kids go ziplining… but I’m the retard that’s gonna die. I was already starting to … uh not want to leave SF. I had the most beautiful studio. It was so fucking prime and it was rent controlled. Work was a 10 minute walk. I’m living the silicon valley dream! But I knew that I had to leave… because… if I didn’t it would just get harder and harder. I think people give up on their dreams because… the alternative is certainty. Certainty is good. It’s so comforting. I also went to Phoenix, Arizona. That was pretty fun.

3rd quarter - travelling the US while I wrapped things up in SF. I went to EDC. Going to EDC was… it was really fun. It was also a really strange event because it’s like… the think and grow rich came true. You know how when you have a dream or a thought… and it just stays in your mind? And then somehow the universe hands you a golden opportunity? I really wanted to go to EDC but none of my close friends were going… and I didn’t want to plan a trip solo or travel all by myself to a big event like EDC. Then I found out my dance friend was going to go cause her sister wanted to spend time with her. Then in May… as I’m talking with my shuffle friends they ask me about renting a car for them since their under 25… and I’m like what for? Oh… they going to EDC. Shit.. so of course I ask them about it. Is there extra space in the car? What about the hotel? Turns out there is extra space in both the car AND the hotel. Shit. Ok. I’m gonna go. Just gotta buy a ticket. Go to work the next day and I was like… I’m probably gonna go to EDC since the stars aligned blah blah blah. Coworker was like. Oh. I want to sell my ticket. I’ll sell it for the original price that I bought at the earliest possible time. DAFAQ?!?!?! I thought that I was in an anime… that level of coincidence… it’s just… I can’t believe it’s reality. But that was reality.

Besides EDC I went to LA for anime expo and just to hang out. It’s funny. In LA… I retraced my steps from the year before to end up at the EXACT same restaurant and I think I ordered the exact same thing. I think… I was really stressed from work. They say when you work a lot.. your memory goes whack. Anyways… this was 2016 july. And I didn’t remember that I went to that spot in 2015 july. I ended up in the exact same location ordering the exact same thing. Taking lyft/uber to and from the same place. Well. My housing was different. And of course I was a different person. This was after I quit work so I was a lot more chill. It’s just.. crazy that I would not remember and end up in the same place. I went to new york for like… one week. But that one week was so much fun. My friend took time off work to show me around. I feel so spoiled and lucky. New york is so beautiful. So much media / film takes place in new york. Walking in central park and grand central station… it’s like being transported into the movie. I definitely want to live in NYC and learn the subway lines etc. To be NYC fluent. That’s something that I want for myself in the future. And finally I returned to Toronto. My home of 23 years. It’s funny. I was only in Toronto for… 6 weeks but it felt so long. Sigh. My time in Toronto I was living with family. It’s weird. In SF… I walked from my house to the gym and it takes like 25 minutes. In toronto… the gym is also 25 minutes away yet I take the car. It’s like… walking is dangerous or something. Or rather… I think your brain is different depending on the location… that’s my current train of thought. It’s like… when I go back to Toronto… I regress to back when I was a kid. Maybe because I spent most of my adult life in SF and most of my time as a kid in Toronto. I just feel weak and kid like in Toronto. Or maybe because I was living in my parent’s living room… and that just feels sad as opposed to having my own place in the heart of downtown in a major city. /shrug. That’s weird. That having your own place makes you think and act so differently.

4th quarter - I finally arrive to Japan. I ended 2016 on a great note and feeling. On Christmas day… I went to bbq in a public park, and then we went to an onsen. Then we went and got famous delicous ramen and karaoke. My American senpai visited me and he treated me to gourmet yakiniku. It was $250 for the both of us. The beef was so good. It literally melts in your mouth. It’s so think and flavorful… yakiniku is different from steak. But the taste is just so good. Then on new years eve… I went to karaoke with new friends. Japanese futago to boku no america no senpai de. It was so much fun singing Arashi/Exile/Deep/Eminem. I think my english has gotten slower though… I struggled hard with eminem when it used to be so easy. So that was basically my last week of 2016. But when I first moved here… my diary entries were kinda sad.

I moved into a sharehouse initially and the conditions were really bad. The ceilings were super low and I would hit my head at night when I took a piss, the place was kinda dirty. But I was living the dream in Japan. Finding housing when you don’t speak Japanese… is pretty damn hard. When you’re unemployed… no one wants to rent you their place because Japanese favor stablility over all else and not having a job means your unstable and worthless. After finding my place I had to furnish it… and that was a struggle because I couldn’t order from nitori/ikea online since it’s all in fucking japanese and I was illiterate. Even now… I’d say I’m mostly illiterate. Hmmm. One of my goals is to reach the level of fluency to be able to order from nitori online and have it shipped to my place. I didn’t have a bed… and when I first moved in there were roaches. Fuck. Roaches. Roaches scared the shit outta me. I think I was in fight or flight mode at night because I had to kill a roach my first night here. Now… I’m used to it. I’m like desensitized to roaches. It’s like. Fuck. A roach. Sigh. I’ll go spray it to death and then clean up.

I only had one friend when I moved here and in Japan everyone everywhere only speaks Japanese. So it was a very lonely and isolating experience. I mean… even though it was lonely and isolating… it wasn’t too bad. I mean. I think once I set up my TV and PS4 I was pretty happy. But then playing Yakuza 0… I understood nothing initially. Things were so fast. And text made no sense. It was weird. I told myself to just play / watch anime / practice talking to people. Eventually it’ll click. I just had faith I guess. I remember going to sign up for a gym. The person was like… if you sign up online we’ll waive the $30 fee. I was like… the online is too hard. Then she’s like… bring a friend that’ll help you with the forms. I just went - fuck it. I can figure this out. It took me like 45 minutes to fill out the paperwork to join the gym in Japanese but I did it. Same with my ID card… it took me a solid 3 hours of struggle and waiting in line but I did it.

What’s weird is… looking back at the struggles… when I was struggling. It did feel like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I’d never be able to speak Japanese and converse with Japanese people. Yet… now I can do it. I can feel my Japanese just getting better and better. Even though I was struggling with the FFXV tutorial. You have to HOLD triangle to teleport to a place… I kept pressing triangle. Too jokes. I guess the 2 months of struggle in Japan made me stronger and better. Just having faith… turned out to be the correct decision.

I guess it did help. It reinforced what I knew. It’s always better to believe and to be optimistic. Beating yourself up is never the correct solution… even though I still tend to beat myself up. I think… that’s the consequence of growith asian parents. They just beat you up verbally when you fail. I don’t think that’s healthy… but I can’t blame my family / parents anymore since I’m an adult now. But still… it’s hard to reprogram that voice. Maybe I’m actually crazy since I have an abusive voice that talks to me. lol

Anyways. On the whole - 2016 was fucking amazing. I met so many new people, went to so many new places. Almost everything that I set out to do… I did. I’m living the dream in Japan. There’s pocky in my place, green tea ice cream in my fridge. Onigiri is 5 minutes away. Ramen is 10 minutes away. Manga is on my desk. Final Fantasy XV is sitting on my PS4 stand. I don’t even. Life is fucking good. I’m really thankful for the opportunity that I’ve given myself. I have ambitious goals for releasing apps in 2017. I have faith that I’ll do it. I’ve envisioned it for so long… like how I’ve envisioned EDC. I think the stars will align and I’ll make it work. I’m super excited.

What did I lose this year? I lost my amazing home in San Francisco. The california life was so good. I’m not going to lie. I think most of my social circle is in california… but it’s a choice I’ve made. You have to make sacrifices in order to achieve. So in reality I guess I didn’t lose that much.

What went great? I moved to Japan. I’m living in Tokyo. It’s been my dream since I’ve found out about the Japanese/Canadian working holiday visa. I have a decent Japanese social network of people to hang out with and I built it from one friend that was introduced to me by another friend. So I came to Tokyo with one friend… and now I’ve built a decent social network from scratch. That’s pretty badass. I did that without speaking Japanese much.. that’s pretty mind blowing. I guess my years of training in SF paid off.

What sucked? This might be beating myself up. But I don’t think that’s the case. The reality is… I didn’t take advantage of all the opportunities. Effort. Only you can judge your effort. I know that there were cases when I could’ve tried harder and done more. And… it’s disappointing. It’s weird because… even say 10% effort or 20% effort.. is probably better than 100% effort of me from 3 years ago. And yet… since I didn’t give 100% effort… it makes me sad. It makes me sad when I KNOW I can do better and yet I don’t. It’s strange. It’s like when fat people eat junk food when they know they should go on a diet. That’s really frustrating. I was talking to a friend / mentor. I guess… what he says makes sense so I’ll write it here. You shouldn’t beat yourself up. A person has defects and mistakes. A rational person corrects said defects and mistakes. So by definition, the defects and mistakes you’re left with are the hardest to correct. /shrug. That’s deep.

What do I wish was different? That I mapped out my decision making more. There are so many choices and it’s hard to choose the correct choice when you don’t have a framework or priorities. I could work on my app, or I could go party with my friend whose visiting from America. It’s hard to make the decision unless I know what I’m optimizing for. There are times I wish I worked vs times I wish that I went out partying. I think I codified my 2017 goals a lot better though. So that should be good.

Overall. 2016 was fucking great. There were definitely some low points. But it’s through the lowest of lows that you get to experience the highest of highs. I think… I’m starting to see and believe in the cycle of life. Everything is a circle. That’s why the circle and pi is a magically number. Also… pi is really delicious.

I’m gonna end by writing myself a self reminder and a note. What you look for will be there… it’s your RAS or whatever. I keep searching for roaches and then when a roach appears it’s like validation. It’s time to stop looking for failure and pain and time to focus on the good. Look forward to the good moments and enjoy them properly. When you try to look for things that scare you… everything fucking scares you. But when you look with a curious and non-judgemental mind… you find that whatever it was that was scary… wasn’t that scary after all. Whenever I just calmly and non-judgementally looked at my problems and fears… impossible starting to look easy. So let that be a reminder to myself for 2017. Stop making it hard for yourself and just accept that it’ll be easy. Look. It’ll work out. It has worked out so amazingly so far. You’re in fucking Japan. The important thing is the action not the result. Results follow the correct action. Happy 2017 everyone!

still doing annual retro

I started going over my diary entries for 2016. It’s… kinda crazy. The early parts of 2016… it happened this fucking year. Yet it felt almost like a lifetime ago. Reading the thoughts of my January self… wow. I think I was really stressed / focused about work. I would take naps at 10pm and then fail to sleep at night. Struggle to make it to yoga class because I couldn’t wake up despite having enough sleep and the weather being warm.

I’m still recovering from the cold. I got sick… around christmas time.. and it’s knocked me out up until now. I think I’m about 50% recovered. I spent most of today just going over my 2016… and reviewing it. There were actually some dark times despite me ending 2016 on an amazing note. Specifically, in October/November I was struggling hard with the language. I came to Japan having only one friend and struggling to read karaoke in katakana. What’s funny is that… looking back… I was really hard on myself. Which isn’t the answer. Sure, you can always be better and work harder. The way I see it is, when you have a problem you either elevate yourself to solve the problem, or you reduce the problem to something of your level. I can’t really force myself to speak perfect Japanese.. so it’s fine to just meet bilingual people. Although I do eventually want to learn Japanese via Japanese. I think I have sufficient Japanese to bootstrap my Japanese learnings to learn like a kid now.

I went to the gym today, despite being sick. I think I broke my back doing deadlifts. LOL. Even though I told myself I would take it easy since I’m dead tired. One of my new years thoughts turned resolutions, is I messaged everyone whose name made it into my diary and wished them a happy new year. That was an interesting action. For some reason… I get nervous wishing people happy new years. It’s like… I might piss people off by messaging them happy new years. = /shrug. Whatever.

I only put 2 new years resolution for myself. One is to release 10 apps, 5 android, 5 ios. And the other is to be more true to myself. Identify when I’m doing or not doing something for the real reason. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s laziness. But the initial reasoning… generally isn’t the truest one. I think with meditation and metacognition. That’ll make things easier.

I spent christmas and new years eve doing karaoke with new japanese friends. It was so much fun. Especially the new years eve where we had a nice 6th floor view too. I feel so spoiled. I’m definitely living the dream now. I think the other thing is.. I need to be more focused. The sickness probably is gonna end up taking out 2 solid weeks of productivity. So I should work more whenever I can. Well. I guess this is a v1 brain dump of what I memory based recollection of 2016. I’ll probably do a proper one and post a retro with goals. What’s funny is… 2016 was… so jam packed for me looking back. So much happened. But during the day to day it’s hard to see the amazing things that I’ve accomplished and how much I’ve grown. I guess you gotta take a step back sometimes. That’s the whole point of the new years retrospective.

I was surprised when the guy I follow said it takes 2~3 days to do an annual retrospective with a new yearly plan. I guess he was right after all. Plus… I’ve been writing diary entries pretty consistently so I have a lot of data to work with. It’s so crazy. The person that I felt on a certain day… even on October. He’s like so different from current me. I think… it’s almost cyclical in nature. Life is a circle. To be continued.

sick ugh

I’ve been sick for the past 3 days. It kinda blows my mind. I mean… I haven’t been sick since… probably 2 years? Or maybe it’s just selective memory. Wow. I’ve been sick for about 4 days. That’s crazy.

I went to comiket… despite being sick. I was coughing really badly, but then I went to the gym and ran a mile without coughing… so then I decided that I was good enough to go to comiket with my friend. Comiket… genshiken in real life. Lol. Heh. It’s like a dream come true… except I think I’m already beyond that dream. I didn’t buy anything and the experience of the crowds.. bleh. But comiket was right next to odaiba which is where the gundam statue is so I got to visit the gundam after comiket. Then after that… I went to luxury yakiniku. My senpai from america treated me to luxury yakiniku. Hue hue. It was like $150… I feel so lucky. Before that we had $5 donburi for lunch. While I definitely enjoyed yakiniku more… I think if you price enjoyment/dollars the donburi is much better for me.

I spent the last 3 days basically just playing persona 5 on new game+ in safety mode. I miss new game+… it’s so satisfying to one shot everything. Especially shit that killed me in the original playthrough. It’s like… boom. I’m back for revenge. loool. But seriously, I was suppose to wrap up the ios app and get that submitted… and I’m gonna just give myself a two week extension… cause the new years is a time for me to focus on the macro and the big direction. 2016 is pretty much in the books… I’m really excited to review my 2016 compared to what I originally predicted / wanted. Heh. My rough guess is that.. I hit all the major ones while also being overly ambitious in my plans resulting in too much unreached goals.

I’m thankful for Maishoku. It’s the eat24 of Japan. I wish I could use ubereats, but that’s only in the shibuya area. I ordered two donburi’s to my house for $20. It was delicious and it arrived in 30 minutes. I didn’t have to leave my house at all today. The shut in life… is the dream. lol. but seriously, the donburi was so delicious. I just had chocolate chip cookies for dessert, I have pocky in my house. And lots of green tea ice cream. heh.

This is a thankful post and a short report I guess. My new years week is… going to be interesting since I already have plans with people. But besides that, I want to remind myself to work hard when I’m healthy. I’ve been taking it really easy since I’ve been sick. Just relaxing and playing persona 5… that’s fine - but at the same time I gotta focus more on working when I’m healthy. I’ve been taking it for granted… since it seems that I’m always healthy… I can always wait until I feel even better / more in the zone before I work… but that’s not the case. Meditation -> focus -> work when you can leads to results.

Three months in Japan… I wouldn’t say I’m even close to fluent… which was my initial goal. But at the same time… being able to understand 90% of persona 5… heh. I feel pretty badass. In that way maybe I exceeded my goals. lol. todo - work and push myself more when I’m healthy and don’t take my perfect health for granted. Just enjoy each moment as it is :)

xmas 2016

Yesterday I spent Christmas with my some new friends from Tokyo. It was the earliest that I’ve woken up recently. I woke up at around 9am… and then took 4 trains to get to Chiba. I actually got lost… because bad data / bad google / bad line maps made me walk to the wrong point. I took an one hour detour and just walked around chiba before I ended up at the park. That was an interesting experience. Lucky I bought my headphones… and dressed warmly. I could barely feel my fingers at the end.. but totally worth it.

We had yakiniku in this park and I got to meet many new people who only spoke Japanese. Yoshi is the friend who invited me to the BBQ and only him and Emi spoke English so I was forced to use my Japanese. That was so much fun. Hehehe. Just being forced to use Japanese… it’s exactly why I moved to Japan in order to improve. BBQ was delicious.

Then we went to a hotspring. I got the true Japanese hotspring experience. Heh. So apparently, the hotspring only cost 1000yen. I feel scammed. When my sister visited we went to a touristy hotspring which cost like… 4k yen. I guess yelp reviews help get the foreigners.

Post hot spring… some of us decided to karaoke. I got to experience Japanese non taxi driving… and then we had ramen at a famous place. I could actually read the menu. Except I read the kanji wrong. Zenbu hairi miso. Everything miso ramen. But then I learned that it’s zenbu riri miso. :D getting japanese lessons from a local. life is good.

went to karaoke. still struggling to read at singing speed. it’s mostly the kanji. but karaoke is actually a good kanji learning experience. everyone was so good at karaoke I was kinda intimidated. but it was so much fun. ended up taking two trains to get back home. the seibu to get to takadanobaba and then the yamanote - my favorite train. left house at 10 and got back at 11:30… so about a 13 hour trip. hehe. life in japan. christmas in japan… I’m living the dream. and for that I’m so thankful.

In my last post I wrote about disappointment… cause I know that I can do better. Christmas was pretty amazing. I also finished Yakuza 6 and uh… I’ll write a review for both Persona 5 and Yakuza 6 sometimes soon. The thing with Persona 5 was that… I actually beat the game at essentially the max level. My gear was actually really shitty. Before starting FFXV… I started looking at the ideal gear already… cause you don’t wanna miss the zodiac spear*. I think that actually ruins the enjoyment of the game when you do that though. I mean… I enjoyed p5 so much without using a guide… except for the strength social link. I mean… for establishing social links.

I’m thankful that I’m in Japan. I’m thankful for all my Japanese friends. I’m thankful that I’m living the dream. I get to wake up… meditate. Eat cheap amazing japanese food. Write code and build my own apps. Watch anime and play video games. Life is good. It’s almost the new year. For January 1st~3rd… I’ll be working on the masterplan. To make sure I make the best use of my time in Japan.

japan day 1 OMG

So. I basically just completed day 1 of japan. I’ve been in Japan approximately 24 hours… and just wow. My mind is blown.

When I landed… I bought my sim card after much struggles. But I got a data sim with 2gb of data good for 3 months so… life is good. Took the bus to Tokyo from Narita and then took the subway line to Waseda where the guy picked me up right on time. Wow. The subway is packed. Packed. around 5pm.

It’s so strange. I’m getting the feeling of… like when I was visiting New York. Grand Central Station reminds me of the movies. The thing is… any random street in Tokyo reminds me of scenes from anime/movies. It’s what everything is based off of. Mind. Blown. I had ramen for dinner yesterday. It cost me less than 1000 yen and I bought it from a vending machine. It was delicious.

Slept for 12 hours straight around 9pm to 9am. Then I woke up… and it was raining like crazy. I bought a black umbrella like a newb but then I lost it today by leaving it somewhere… so I guess I’ll get the chance to buy the correct umbrella. Protip: Get the clear umbrella because it let’s you see where you’re going during heavy rainfall.

For breakfast all I had was an onigiri from convenience store. It was delicious and 100 yen. That’s $1. In SF, on Kearny there’s this place called Onigiri. And it’s like $5 each. Man. I feel so spoiled. It’s just so amazing. I went to a couple of rental agencies to search for places. It was quite painful to deal with… and holy shit the complete move in cost for a place was like $800k yen. Which is like 8000 USD. O.O. I think I’m going to just end up using something from gaijin pot which is a website created specifically for foreigners.

The highlight of the search was… omg. I was sitting in the rental agency. And Exile came on the radio. SHIET son. It’s like… wow. Japanese music from my music collection is being played in public places. Omg. Exile. Also… the rental agency worker who was showing me the places… his cellphone screensaver was an AKB idol. I’m with my people yoooooo. Life is so good. I’m pretty amazed.

There was a period of time when I was sad… because my shared house is really ghetto. Like… there’s mosquitoes everywhere and the shower is a pain. The toilets are dirty. But. It’s just a cheap airbnb. And it’s only temporary. And I’m still hella spoiled. It’s hot with no AC. But still… totally worthy it. I gotta appreciate and be thankful for the greatness than is Tokyo.

I had ramen for lunch. Oh. I also had a iced mocha for $3 in a fancy cafe. The exile and being surrounded by my people. So good. The exile. SO GOOD. I think I’m just too excited. I think I’m gonna probably just live in a 1K or something since it’s the cheapest and I don’t wanna live in something that I can’t afford. For now the next steps is to find housing, setup internet, find a gym and then do my thing.

It’s crazy that… I’m literally living my dream from ~3 years ago. I’ve always wanted to live in Japan and now I’m living my dream. But I think I need to make the next goal post… so that I don’t waste time and just end up playing video games. First housing… but I think I might know what I want now. I was a bit… lost and directionless. But I think I’m found. :)

wow eddie alvarez

Man. Year of the upsets. Year of the underdog. Eddie Alvarez… becomes the the lightweight champion. Just… wow. I mean… RDA looked unstoppable. And then one punch… one mistake. It goes back to the beginning… once you’re at the top… every little thing matters.

Jon Jones off the fight card. Damn. DC vs Anderson Silva. Damn. I guess that just shows the unpredictability of things. UFC 200 looked sick and then 3 days out everything changed. But I guess it’s still decent.

Went to time square. New york on vacation looks pretty sick. And my friends place is in the lower east side which is the ultimate place to live I think. Amazing chinatown food, Had 20 layer crepe cake. And basically ate 3 meals today. 3 mega meals.

Oh yeah. Worse case is after my stint in Japan I’m poor and I’ll have to move to NYC. Which… isn’t too bad I guess. I think I’ll want to live in NYC anyways. NYC… is pretty amazing.

Tomorrow is more food and dessert. Shit.. I’m so fat now. But it’s vacation… and I’ll be focusing on fitness in Japan. So shouldn’t be too bad. I still intend to do the human flag and musicle up within my time in Japan.

Eddie Alvarez… still blows my mind.

vacation post ax

So… It’s officially the day after ax. Let’s see… it’s currently 4pm and I spent all day lazying at my airbnb. ^_^

I woke up. Had food. and started watching the hype video for UFC 200. UFC is one of the few sports that I follow since it’s just so… beautiful. It’s like… what happens when two indomitable wills crash? the other thing is that.. I think at some level. Once you reach saikai level… you need delusion. I mean… if Michael Bisping didn’t believe that he could become the UFC champ… why would he fight? I think.. it’s similar to the sc2 Harstem line. You don’t want to be the number 1 sc2 foreigner… you always want to be the best in the world.

There’s so much dedication and hard work that goes towards becoming a ufc champion. And even with all the hard work… a title shot isn’t a given. Getting a title shot requires hard work, dedication, skill and luck. And it’s still a rare opportunity.

I’ve been purposely just taking it easy these past few weeks since I quit work. I think… I needed a break to reset. Travelling actually tires me out… I much rather have a home base. It’s like… the ajito. Aka the hideout. Without your own hideout… where will you go to recover your hp/mp?

There’s so much that’s been on my mind. AX honestly felt like a full circle. It’s my second AX and definitely my last for awhile. But it was still so much fun. Even though it’s the same thing. Like… it’s the same… but different. I actually ended up leaving the airbnb every day in LA so that’s like… an improvement over previous shut in. Then again… I think each time I travelled to LA I ended up leaving but I don’t really keep track.

Oh… once I went on vacation in vancouver for 10 days. I think I just marathon played pokemon. I literally went from starter to finish in probably… 7 days. It was so much fun..

So my year in Japan. There’s so much that I want to do. In a way… my year in japan will be my title shot. It’ll be me chasing my dreams. I can level up into the next circle. Or end up having to do another lap. And either way… it’ll be fine because I tried my best and took the best course of action.

The thing is… it’s really hard to determine the best course of action. I guess I’ll know in retrospect if I tried my hardest or did my best. What’s funny is that at some point in time… other people lose to ability to judge how hard you tried. Cause… they don’t know how good you are.

So where was I. Oh right. Japan is like my title shot. I have one year to do whatever it is that I want… and it’s going to be a lot of things. I’ll eventually write a checklist.. but I think and strongly believe I can hit all my objectives. Because I know myself and my abilities.

You know… this trip was hella weird in a way. Because… things that people started telling me that I thought were crazy and unbelievable… started coming true. So… I think I lost the ability to sleep in. I use to go partying with older people… and and even at work whenever I arrived late to work… people older than me would be like. Eventually you can’t sleep in. Last saturday… I woke up at 8 and did a bunch of shit. And when I looked at the clock it was 9 something. blah. And holy shit. I think… I’m officially old to the point where I can’t sleep in. Like.. I’m still a night owl. And I don’t really sleep until 2am. But I’m awake at 9am. I think… it might just be the airbnb. The blinds doesn’t shut out the sunlight completely like I’m used to. I’m used to total darkness. Cause I’m a vampire. So… if I regain the ability to sleep in… I would definitely enjoy it. If not… I’ll enjoy the extra hours in the mornings. After all… waking up early is a.. what’s the word. maxim. It’s something successful people do. Alot of successful people wake up early. So maybe I’ll join that crowd.

The other thing is… I was gonna perscribe myself laziness. I told myself it would be okay to spend an entire day in the airbnb watching anime… and while I did spend a large amount of time watching anime. I eventually went out and spent time with friends. I finished owari no seraph and seven deadly sins in my week in LA. Also finished akito the exiled code geass. It was meh.

And here I am… writing this post after cloning the repo on my new laptop. New being new OS… I’m still on my 2310M sandy bridge msi laptop with 16gb of ram. It’s still kicking so much butt. I gave my laptop 16gb of ram and 2x ssds. And now on linux it’s still good enough to essentially be my portable desktop. Life is good.

it’s weird… that i somewhat censor myself in these posts… since google analytics tells me that 3 people read it. LOL. and I’m one of the 3 people… so basically only two people in the world knows my deepest darkest thoughts. My deepest darkest censored thoughts.

So I stopped getting id at places. Bars/Clubs… I think I’m now in the middle age rich label even though I’m poor. Hmmm. Actually that’s not really true. I’ll probably write a post on financials and growing up with poverty. While I don’t think that I’m poor I think I still have the poor and poverty mindset. It’s like… I’m only 2 years away from living on the streets. Friends won’t let me crash on their couches and all my skills will suddenly become worthless. I’ll lose the ability to do anything.

I guess part of adulting is just teaching yourself what your parents failed to teach you. In the past I would always wish that I grew up with different parents with more freedoms or whatever. But I guess now it’s ok… since everything is up to me.

so moving from sf. I think I threw away $1000 worth of goods. that just blows my mind. I don’t think it’s $1000 cash value but it’s like… $1000 book value for sure. still though… I guess I’m still looking at it from my poor kid point of view. I think at some point in the future I’ll probably be okay with losing 10k and even 100k worth of goods. But I’m not there yet.

I’m all about the time bending. and I think time slows down when you’re all… the power of now and eckhart tolle and stuff. but it’s kinda hard to get into that state. i think for me it’s more about just noticing when i’m in that state and enjoying it. that airport line… wow time goes forever.

i can’t wait til i’m free of the clock. when i’m in japan i’ll be able to sleep/work/wake whenever i want. so stoked. ok. i think it’s rambling now. gonna continue with the ufc 200 hype before getting lunch with sexy kawachi ojo sama :D

good habits saves spiral

This is a repeating story: I’m feeling shitty. Basically just tired and lazy. I got the flu before vacation and I decided to just rest and not work out. Feeling so wasted and crappy from EDC. I couldn’t sleep this morning at 8am. I tried sleeping at 6am. Woke up at 8am…gave up and went to target to buy some food. Came back home and then couldn’t sleep until 11am.

Then I woke up around 3pm. So I guess I got 4 hours of sleep. But I was just feeling really shitty. And irritable. And then… after dinner I started practicing dance for the friday performance. Then I did my stretch habit. And then even though I was lacking sleep… I just went fuck it. Let’s go to the gym. Stretching -> Gym has been a habit that I built. It’s like a cue. It’s my pre-gym routine. And it’s pretty easy to start stretching. And once I start it’s somewhat easy to continue. Except today I was really sleep deprived. I kinda forgot… where I was in my stretching habit. You know when you go into autopilot mode.. I was just like… what stretch did I just do?

Anyways. Went to the gym. Tried to practice dance without the video and my left/right sense was way off. I didn’t remember which hand/foot went where. I just gave up instead of trying to practice bad habits. Did the usual 5x5. And then got home and showered. And now I feel great. It’s 2:30am… and I’m watching starcraft 2. I think I’ll probably sleep at 3 / 330. I need to wake up at 9:50 for dentist. But I think working out will give me the 6 hours of beauty sleep that I need.

I’m thankful that… 24h fitness is so close. Still trying to sell my TV and my desktop computer. We’ll see… if it doesn’t happen I’ll just ship it back. No biggie.

wow. last day

Wow. Today is actually going to be my last day of work. I already commited my last code. It’s… 1:50am. And work is in 7 hours. But tomorrow is gonna be mostly chill and writing docs and stuff. It’s crazy. I won’t have to wake up for work… for like the 1.5 years. Wow. I get a 1.5 year vacation. I gotta say I’m prety stoked.

It’s something that I’ve been dreaming about… and now that it’s almost reality… I don’t know how I feel. I had chicken dinner with my coworkers today. It just randomly happened since we were playing video games and then I just tagged along. It was pretty fun.

So one of my coworkers told me that he took a house dance class. And it’s super cool that I know all these house dance moves. Thanks Buster. The Jack :D Actually I think my favorite move is the reverse jack. Hue. Hue.

I haven’t been writing… or doing my 3 thankful things. I’m thankful that I got catered lunch. I’m thankful that I got such wonderful training in silicon valley (I did my last interview today). I’m thankful that I have access to amazing american credit cards. I just got the united 50k credit card promo. I got 200k miles in the past year… since I reached the pinnacle of american credit worthiness in 3 years.

Tomorrow will be lots video games, magic and celebrations. Life is good.

post fanime 2016

hmmm. fanime was a pretty big time bend. go look up the time bending ted talk if you wanna know what i mean.

i’ve been thinking about what i’ll be putting on this blog… and in the end i decided on just it being sort of a public diary met for myself. it’ll be a place for me to reflect and brain dump my random ideas and theories. i’ll just write about all my bouts of crazy here. like the times where i keep thinking that my place will get robbed because i didn’t lock the door etc.

i think i just wanna write for myself. since writing more makes you a better writer and communicator. and also just brain dumping is therapeutic. i had to look up the spelling. so i guess it also improves my english speling. thera. peutic. that’s how you remember how to spell that word.

last day of work. was way different than i imagined it. but it was good. and life is good. i’m thankful for… decisive. and also bruce lee. i recently read the quote. of his that from my memory is basically. take what is good. discard the useless. and add it to your style.

i think… i incorporated all the different skills and learnings to turn myself into a badass. moving to sf was pretty crazy. and i think moving to japan will be what takes me to the next level.

coders at work

Coders at work is blowing my mind. Damn. Shit. It’s so relevant. And it’s like…. what’s relevant in the 80s is still relevant now. Computer Science is less than 100 years old… and most of the pioneers and greats today are still alive. It’s like… living in the same generation as da vinci or something. Or newton. Shiet.

Only one chapter in so far. I have three drafts.. and I think that by not writing and publishing my writing habit regressed. So just gonna publish this in order to start day 1.

negative spiraled

sigh. so i negative spiraled a bit on making weekly posts, meditating and some of my other habits. In the case of writing daily posts… I think I made the excuse of wanting higher quality to make up for lower quality… but I don’t think I’m quite at the point where I should be focusing on quality quite yet. It’s like when you first start exercising. Any form of exercise is better than not exercising. There’s no point in focusing on which lifts to optimize for because just showing up and exercising is the most important. So now I’ll be aiming to hit my previous 115 day streak and then surpassing it.

So much of my behaviour is automatic and subconscious… it kinda blows my mind. I think it’s because we evolved from lizards and mammals. From the psychology/brain talks that I’ve listened from… there’s basically three brains insde of you. The reptilian brain, the mammal brain and the human brain. The animal brain always wants to save on computation and thinking… so tasks eventually get automated into your subconscious. I think that’s part of the reason why it’s harder to change when you’re older. You’re so use to one way of things… it’s in your subsconscious and automatic.

So I’ve been in a negative spiral. I uh… recently spent $200 on magic cards. To build two decks with lots of spare cards leftover. Sigh. I kinda got really carried away… also since I sold my two monitors I figured I could treat myself. It doesn’t really matter… it’s just that now I have more stuff. And at this point I don’t want more stuff.

The universe has aligned and I’ll be going to EDC this year. It’s always been on my mind and I’ve been wanting to go. My coworker has a ticket to sell me. My friends have extra space in their hotel + car. The two connections just available to me… I’d be crazy to not go. It’s like… just by subconsciously thinking about it… the opportunity to go just presented itself. I dunno. Maybe it’s like think and grow rich. I thought about EDC so much that I get to go without much real planning.

I overslept and skipped bay to breakers. It use to be a yearly event that I really looked forward to in SF. Felt like deja vu. Except this time I just let myself sleep and skip it versus forcing myself to go even though I was really tired and out of it. I’m still a bit torn on forcing self to do something or just letting it go. I think depending on the situation one is better… but honestly either one is fine. To go back on the consistency… the 1% matters. It compounds daily into a really big number. So focus on getting 1% better each day.

I was stage manager for the dance show at city college sf again. I’m all use to being a stage manager now. My only job with the word manager in it. If I do work though… I’m sure that I’ll reach manager/director/vp level. I guess this is enough for a first blog back after a hiatus. Life is good as always. If you focus on the positives… life is always good. :)

family visiting

I’m thankful that my aunt and uncle visited me in San Francisco. Even though the purpose of their visit was to visit me specifically… I got to treat them to food and explore fisherman’s wharf with them. I’m thankful that my two monitors will live on in a friend’s place instead of someone random. I think of my electronics as my kids… lol. Reminds me of silicon valley when my girlfriend = my macbook. My dual monitors found a good home and for that I’m thankful. Also selling it was easier than imagined because of that.

I’m thankful for craigslist. It makes selling things easier. I still need to sell a ton of crap. But so far I’ve already sold my guitar which was just collecting dust. After much thought I decided on just selling my desktop for ~$500 as opposed to shipping it back to Canada. I’m thankful for the yoga recording that I have from my favorite instructors. I get to do Saturday yoga whenever I wake up… which is 1pm.

After getting rid of my dual monitors… I cleaned my desk and moved my 3rd monitor to my desk as the primary monitor. My place looks so minimalist and clean. It’s pretty sweet.

I also finished planning my travels this weekend. I’m thankful that planning trips around cities and buying tickets can be all done online from the comfort of your home. Within 20 minutes. My flights to LA/NYC/Toronto in total cost ~$400. I get to fly to 3 cities and across the entire united states. I’m thankful that I haven’t gotten that much weaker. It’s now my 2nd week back in the gym since extended vacation. I’m almost back at 80%.

You know what’s crazy? Looking at other people… you can see what your future will kinda look like. After all… you are the average of your 5 closest friends or whatever. I think that’s true to a certain extent… but then I have no friends so I wouldn’t know. Aside from seeing your own future… I’m starting to see myself from the eyes of younger me. Shit. I’m an uncle now… and I have a niece. I use to meet all these cool young people who would travel and work. Now that’s me. I travel… and do stuff. O.O. Shit. I’m old. I randomly live in a city where relatives will fly by… and I’ll come out and treat them to food. It’s like… yeah. Back in the day we flew to random city and your relative treated us to food. Shit. I’m that relative. O.O

Anyways. I’m thankful that my backlog of good games is so high. I don’t think I’ll ever get the time to finish it all. I started playing ni no kuni again. It looks so beautiful. I think I’ll finally have the time to finish it this may/june. Pretty excited. Life is good.

Change your mind change your life

I’m already sold on meditation. But here’s another good ted talk that shows the benefits of meditation.

For me personally… I think of meditation as flossing / working out / stretching. You don’t really see the benefits right away. You need to persist and just keep meditating. When I don’t meditate for a long time… I’m actually more irritable, emotional and anxious. The thing is… I still always choose to forgo meditation because I haven’t built a rock solid habit yet. I think I meditate about once or twice a week when I think a daily practice would be much more benfiticial. It’s something that I’m still working on.

It just blows my mind that… meditation works. Like… meditation is no doubt effective.. but like. It’s crazy how it was discovered or something. I’m just gonna sit and do nothing… and just let thoughts pass through me. And my life will be better.

selling shit

damn. selling stuff is still so time consuming. like… i wanna sell my stuff but it’s hard to find buyers on craigslist.

i got back from the gym just now and finished ordering papa johns. i think i’m gonna stop focusing on my streak and instead try and write more higher quality material. consistent quantity is better but i think i default to lazy crap.

this weekend was meant to be a recovery / rest weekend and yet i managed to get so much done so that’s good. i tried installing kubuntu 16.04 on my laptop and it didn’t work at all. but in the process of cleaning out my laptop… i realized that i haven’t really booted into it for the past maybe 4 months. i haven’t ran the days script until yesterday. i wish i saved the output.

i wrote the script in 2015. to count the days since jan 1st 2015. and the percentage of the year that’s passed. and when i ran it yesterday… it was over 100%. i’m pretty sure i did a 2015 retrospective though.. but damn.

i also started looking into new computer parts since i’ll be building on soon. cpu improvements has really slowed. my 3570k is like better than 6600k in some cases. that’s crazy. i can’t wait for amd zen to kick some intel butt.

starving… and waiting for pizza. i’ll maybe write another post once i’m done eating.

damn son

TGIF. Just gonna recap my last few events.

Just got home after getting $5 mango sago from i-tea. I’m hella spoiled. I got to smoke marijuana with my old coworkers and my current coworkers. Life is good.

Shit… the new friday free drinks and food place is. 7 minutes walking from my home. i can go home. have dinner. relax. and then walk over to the bar and smoke with my friends. whoa man. i am. so spoiled.

i’m thankful for sparc. the best pre-rolls. they even give it to you in a clear tube… so goood.

at i-tea… i realize that i still have a bit of social anxiety. it’s not at the level where it really affects me. but i realized that after smoking i have no anxiety at all. damn. i guess it is an anxiety medication. that’s why i got prescribed it after all. it helps me relax and concentrate.

shit. i can’t wait til i’m totally anxiety free via meditation.

if you read this it means that i really really really really really like you. (8). Music yo. :)

anime night

Oh man. I woke up so dead sore. I had chest pains. Lucky for me I quickly realized that it was from doing too much bench press. In the past…. when I had chest pains… I was always worried I was gonna die or not be able to breathe. But now I realize that it’s just muscle soreness.

I bought dominican republic chocolate for my friend who visiting from la. I only have two more boxes left. o.o. We watched btoom… the first 3 episodes. It was okay. On the walk back I decided to get boba. I got honey lemon green tea. At 10:30pm… on my walk home from anime night with friends. Life is pretty good.

We were talking about hikkimori and neets and stuff. And when I do my one year in japan… I’ll officially be a neet. That’s freaking awesome. Except I’ll be a neet that can’t communicate with other neets or speak japanese. Hue hue.

I can’t wait to be a neet. It’ll be a dream come true. Lol. Neet in Japan. I just google neetinjapan. It’s available. Don’t register it… I’ll register it when I actually move to japan and become a neet. Damn.

Mostly just planning lunches and stuff. Selling my shit is hard. I think I might need to sell on ebay instead of craigslist. With ebay you can sell to all of america… with craigslist… you can sell to 800k / 300M+…. which is less than .1% of america. Damn.

There’s these magic cards that I really wanna buy that’ll cost me ~$40. I told myself I’ll only buy it after I sell my guitar + rocksmith + wire for $50… so hopefully I sell it soon. I think my magic motivation will be what motivates me to post it on ebay and then use shyp to ship it. It’ll probably end up only netting me $30… but I’ll have sold off my junk. Minimialism in japan. I’m not gonna be buying any clothes or new toys. Besides a TV, PS4, desktop pc, speakers, and kotatsu. And maybe some kitchen stuff. Whoa… time travel.

20 minute commute

I’m thankful for my now 20 minute commute. Actually… it’s more like 15 minutes given normal traffic lights. Door to door.. leaving my house and arrive at my desk at work is 15 minutes. That’s so crazy. And.. to think that I actually use to have it even better. I had a 10 minute commute when I first moved here…. but that was with my old company which wasn’t as good. I’m thankful that my new office is so great. On the walk back from the office I stopped by target today to buy my own groceries. Now I can live the japan way and just buy groceries everyday after work as needed.

I went to the gym today. It’s the first day after… close to 3 weeks. Since I just went pure vacation mode in dominican republic… followed by my phoenix weekend getaway. I definitely got weaker… but I didn’t get too much weaker so that’s good. I did another load of laundry today. Sometimes… you really don’t know what you got until it’s gone. And uh… I use to think that doing laundry by taking it down 3 flights of stairs was hard. Until I had to take it down 3 flights of stairs and 3 blocks. But now… it’s back to easy mode. And for that it feels really easy. And I’m thankful.

I need to start selling my shit. I got the guitar… and rocksmith that I spent like $150 on but ended up probably only practicing for 10 hours. I guess… it wasn’t a bad investment. I wonder if I can even get $50 for it. I just bought 64 gigs of ddr4 ram today. It was on slickdeals… and I paid $200 for it. That’s kinda crazy. $200 for 64 gigs of ram. Damn. I’m living in the future… and I’m old. I guess I’m thankful that technology keeps getting better and cheaper.

I’m still recovering from the long / short 3 weeks of vacation that I was on. It’s like… time went by so fast… but it also went by so slow. Vacation was short yet long. I enjoyed and remember most of it. Gotta use the heal. I know about the heal.. but I don’t use it. Heal is some good shit yo.

sf life is good

So… I don’t have any vacation withdrawel. In fact… it feels great coming back home. And going back to work. I actually really enjoy doing my work. Planning and programming and both fun. And I work with really smart people.

I just got back from shuffle. I think… I’ve been looking forward to thursdays more and more because it’s shuffle day. So that’s good. I’m actually really spoiled by SF life. Yesterday I had pho for lunch. It was walking distance from my home. And then for dinner I got food delivered. Oh. I also got grocieres delivered. And my laundry place reopened. Now I don’t need to walk 3 blocks to do laundry… my hardest task of the week is back to easy mode. Man. I’m so spoiled. The hardest thing in my life was to walk 3 blocks to do my weekly laundry.

I think… I’m already starting to miss SF. It’s like.. thinking about the possibility of leaving makes me realize how much I like it here. SF is my home. I don’t have a home anywhere else… but I guess home is whatever I make it. I also got groceries delivered yesterday. Yeah. I’m gonna miss the prime boba location and coffee location. And everything being walking distance… amongst other things. Of course… my shuffle friends as well. One trip is done… and I’ll be flying over to Phoenix this weekend for a dance competition. Crazy. The weekend after dominican is phoenix. So much flying. I actually… wanna just stay in one place. Flying is really convenient… and fast. Well.. convenient in a sense of how else will you travel thousands of miles in a few hours. But it sucks. I fucking hate airport security and lines. I can’t wait for technology to disrupt the airline security system. It’s retarded and fucked up. One of my only few instances where I have a really strong opinion.

Anyways. My mind has been full of random thoughts since the vacation. And I haven’t really had time to just calm down and rest. I’m really looking forward to next weekend where I can finally catch up and just stay home. Except I might actually be on call. Hopefully not… but maybe.

thankful im back in sf

I just got back from Dominican Republic. It was the shit. There’s so much to talk about. First. Let me just say happy 4/20 and I just had some chocolate. Shiet son. Shiet. I had part one of the chocolate… and delayed part two… and now part two is hitting me real good. Shiet yo. I’m pretty wasted.

I realize now that my posture is bad. Sitting in front of the computer. Whoa. My posture is so bad. Ok. I slightly made it better. But anyways. What was I gonna write. I’m back from vacation and I realize how great my life in SF is. I took a lyft from SFO to home. It was $25. And the guy picked me up from departures which was right at the exit of the gate. It was late so there was also no traffic. I got home in like 30 minutes.

I wish that there were lyft/uber in dominican republic. I got hella scammed on my first day. I paid $40 to get a drive from the airport to the mall. And $20 to get from the mall to my place. So $60. And then later I rented a car and the $60 trip only took me 25 minutes. Sigh. People just rip you off. I think that if you don’t speak spanish and travel … they just see you as money and try to scam you. So I got hella scammed. but no biggie.

I did laundry today. The laundry by my place finally opened. It’s now 5 minute laundry run instead of 20. Man. I save an hour per laundry run. Life is pretty good. And the new office move is happening next week. I get to experience the joys of walking to work. Damn son. Damn.

Wow. So it’s 12 and I just wanna publis this. So… go. go.

whoa vacation got here fast

Wow. I’ll be flying to Dominican Republic in… 48 hours. It’s… kinda crazy that… uh. The vacation that I’ve so looked forward to is here. I’m excited. But at the same time… it’s kinda surreal. March just flew by. Damn.

My rigged draft magic deck is getting quite good.

I’m so sleepy… but I don’t wanna sleep. That’s kinda messed up. I wrote down a list of shit that I still need to pack and do before vacation. Calling the credit card company that I’m travelling. That’s new. And really annoying. Even though it only takes 5 minutes. I wish that uh… they were smart enough to realize that I bought tickets and am travelling. But whatever. I should instead be grateful that I can travel with plastic instead of worrying about cash.

I’ve been playing legend of dragoon recently. It’s uh.. the nostalgia factor is quite entertaining. I’m surprised by how much that I liked it.. or still like it. Despite the fact that there’s some really tedious things to do.

Yeah. Just so much to do. I’m looking forward to just a day of doing nothing on the beach. An entire day. And then coming back hella brown.

wow 3am

It’s close to 3am. I just finished showering after getting back from the gym. I was really tempted to skip the gym. Because I could’ve slept. And I was playing video games before going to the gym. Playing video games would’ve been so much better. But then I felt like I needed to rush and stop the video games in order to get to the gym. Weird. Rushing to a save point and quitting so I can get to the gym.

The night time walk. I don’t remember when I started doing them. But I really enjoy walks at 1am or just late at night. It’s pure darkness and total silence. It’s so nice. I think part of the reason that I prefer the late night workouts is that I enjoy the late night walks. And then when I got to the gym. There was only one other person besides me. Man. For some reason that just made me really happy. I have the entire gym to myself. I work out when other people are sleeping. The pure silence at the gym is quite nice also.

I’m gonna miss the late night walks in fidi. The buildings are actually really nice. And tonight felt like summer. It’s still 20C degrees. Even at 3am. Only in San Francisco. I’m gonna struggle to wake up tomorrow morning. But I think it’s the good kind of struggle. Like.. totally worth it. I guess the alternative is someone working minimum wage and working multi jobs and shifts.

I think survival on minimum wage would be way too hard. But that’s a long topic for another day. Well. Time to have some strawberries and read some high output management. Life is good.

shuffling and edc

Just got back from shuffling. Gotta interview a guy at 10am tomorrow. Blargh. So early. Whoops. Need to stop complaining. It’s great that I can influence who we hire so that we only hire the amazingly impressive people.

Dance competition / performance is this Saturday. Which means that it’s…. less than 48 hours away. Whoa. Too crazy.

I’ve been thinking about EDC alot. I really want to go… but if I do go it throws a wrench into my existing travel plans. Plus it’ll cost a small fortune. But…. I think my reasons / excuses for not going is rooted in fear. Fear that I’ll be poor… or just bad reasons like I rather stay at home and sleep. On one hand… a lot of my friends are going and it’s almost like… it’s now or never. On the other hand… it’s never too late~

I think it’s almost time for another future me email. Since… I think my future is too uncertain. Well… I’ve planned it a certain way… and so far it’s Keikaku no doori. But… man… I gotta say taking the leap is really scary man. It’s just really scary. Sigh. Whatever. I’m sure I can do it.

I learned the reverse t step. So now I’ll be able to all all the things…. almost. I started taking my dominican republic vaccines and drugs. It’s… so close. My vacation. Can’t wait.

sleepy

This is just a placeholder for saturday. I’m gonna sleep at 9:30PM. I’m thankful that I get to sleep now. Sleep is the shit.

Today was a typical sunday. But at the same time it was way different and for that I’m thankful. Work has been crazy. And now that I’m on the 6 day workweek… Sunday has just been recovery days for me. But I still managed to get all the things that I needed to get done. So I’m thankful for the habits that I’ve cultivated.

I’m thankful that laundry is only 2 blocks away. It use to be zero blocks… and I totally took it for granted. Now I’m kinda use to it though… it felt easier today than normal despite the fact that I’m so outta it. I’m thankful that I have a grocery store that’s 2 blocks away. I actually bought my own milk today.

I’m thankful that I can get costco delivered. It’s happening tomorrow. I’m thankful that I get to work from home tomorrow while waiting for groceries to get delivered.

I gotta start calculating my uh… malaria and whatever vaccine that I gotta start eating in early April. Wow. It’s almost april. I’ve been hella lazy recently… but even in my lazy state I think I’ve been to the gym at least twice a week. So my death mode is still higher than most people and I’m thankful for that.

I’m thankful that my dancer / psychology friend gave/lent me her book Wooden on Leadership. It’s kinda crazy. Leadership of a team / organization also applies to just leading your life and steering the ship. I still remember stealing the mantra of steve. Things often go the way I plan because I steer the motherfucking ship.

I’m thankful that I have more media to consume than possible. Currently watching Arslan Senki. I’m thankful of all the improvements that I’ve made over time and through practice. I was practicing shuffle at the gym and I’m starting to hit the beats more and more.

whoa shit

Whoa shit. Almost forgot about my weekly. Damn. too scary. My streak.

My sleep… is all messed up. I think that sleep deprivation causes me to uh.. be dizzy and off balance. It literally throws off my orientation when I’m sleep deprived. And I’ve been hella sleep deprived. And I gotta work this saturday.

On the other hand… I guess I’m better than the people that have to work multiple jobs in order to put food on the table. I guess. First world problems.

things i'll miss about sf

I went to the gym yesterday night at my usual 1am. I’ll really miss the late night walks in almost utter silence. There’s always cars. But it’s always silence. And the buildings combined with the fog just makes it so nice. It’s like art you know… the architecture and the backdrop. I’ll miss SF.

I worked from home today because I woke up feeling sick and shitty. Then… I got food and boba delivered. Only in SF I think. Where else can you get rice/ramen delivered along with boba. I tried out teaspoon which is a new tea place in SF. The delivery. So good man. Although it turned out to be $7 USD boba. Treat yoself.

I just bought 3 games for $6 off psn. Megaman X4, Megaman X5, and Digimon Arena ps3 or something. I can’t believe I can buy Megaman X4 and X5 for $5. It’s like crazy. I remember buying the pirated version as a kid. PSX games were $8 a disc. And now… the hd version is $2. Legit. I guess it pays to be legal.

Steam is pretty awesome like that too. It only takes about 3 years for a new game to hit sub $5… and since I’m way behind on games I basically always have new $5 games to play. Except now I’m on pure linux. Still worth it though.

I’m so thankful for the high quality marjiuana that’s available in california. I think that’s something that I’ll miss so much when I’m in Canada / Japan. The drugs. Thug life chose me. Lol.

I think I’ll eventually write a megapost about all that I’ll miss in SF. I guess this will be part one.

silicon valley in real life

I think we should hire her because new grad and diversity. I actually said that today. Ummm. I’m officially living in Silicon Valley.

New grads are choosing us over google. That’s… kinda crazy. Well… I guess I’d choose us over google too. But still.

I had coffee with our VP of product. Apparently he doesn’t read any product books and he was trained by Jack Dorsey and Gokul Rajaram. Moral of the story? To become great just find outstanding mentors. Hmmm. Hmmmm.

Holy shit. It’s already mid march. In 2 weeks I’l have a performance. And 3 weeks I’ll be in dominican republic. Mind blown.

so clean

So I just paid $90 to have my apartment cleaned. It’s kinda crazy. I guess it’s the time of skill specialization. Cleaners make $45 an hour. And I’d totally pay that amount considering how clean my place it. It kinda blows my mind that I did this. Well… it doesn’t. But it’s not something that I would’ve imagined in the past I guess. $90 is a lot of ps3 games that I could’ve bought.

The other day I was talking with a coworker. She told me she’d really like to have a personal chef one day. And the idea just incepted into my mind. Now… I want a personal chef in the future. I wonder if in another 5 years I’ll reach the level of having a personal chef. Or maybe paying a chef $90 a meal to cook me a meal or something. Who knows.

I’m thankful that I got to wfh today. It was a much needed recharge and I got to uh… clean my apartment. Or get my apartment cleaned. I have to interview someone tomorrow at 10am. Which means that I gotta wake up at like.. 8:30am. That’ll be the earliest that I’ve woken up in like… the longest time. Blargh. But whatever. I should be thankful that I get to interview and meet potential future coworkers in advance. Maybe. So far I haven’t met someone that impressed me yet though.

Yesterday I made a huge mistake. I took a nap at 10pm. Then I woke up at 12. And then couldn’t sleep until 5am. Luckily today was a WFH recovery day. I ended up watching the GSL RO16 group selections. Too jokes. Taeja makes the group of death then gets swapped out. What a master troll.

This weekend is my final weekend of oncall before my dominican republic vacation. Oh. I picked up my drugs. Who knew that for malaria you would neeeeed to fridge the live bacteria or something.

I think I really needed this reset day. I was trying really hard to deploy my code but then the vpn was down and I was like… fuck it. I’ll just crush it tomorrow.

I think it’s similar to what I said before with going full throttle vs taking it slow and steady. When you go full throttle… sometimes you gotta take a step back and recover. I feel that I’m sufficiently recovered now. But probably not at peak ability still.

Wow

Wow. I uh woke up and got to do yoga at home. It’s so amazing. I got a recording from one of my favorite yoga instructors and now it’s as if I have yoga class on demand. Mind blown.

Now I can do yoga on saturdays rain or laziness. If I sleep in like I did today I can still do yoga at 1pm. Sometimes I think that everything is just going so well and I think having yoga on demand is just a reminder of how nice I have things.

Cooked myself a delicious meal that I’ll be having later. Then I’ll be celebrating my friend’s birthday tonight.

I’ve been watching the uh… Lee Sedol vs Google games and it’s kinda crazy. Well… one is that the computer actually beat a human go player. I remmeber growing up as a kid and everyone was saying it wouldn’t happen in our lifetime but it freaking did. And the other thing is… all the technology behind the google computer… I understand the concepts of it. Like.. neural networks, monte carlo tree search, and other things.

I’ve always wondered how musicians can stay alive for so long by alive I mean relevant. And then it occurred to me that as the musicians get older the audience gets older with them so the following doesn’t really diminish. Even without many new fans… musicians will generally have their old fans and stuff. Crazy stuff yo.

Gonna watch parasyte and some movies now. Oh man… being able to watch movies on demand. Netflix is like… so good. And of course the internet. All hails the internets.

everyday i'm shuffling

Just got back from shuffle. Today I learned the spin. Woot. Woot. Sigh. I really didn’t want to go because… of the back injury from playing laptop starcraft. But then I told myself that I’d just go and do everything at half speed and learn the spin at half speed. So I went. And it was great. Even though I know the right action I still struggle man… the struggle is real. Even though I’ve built the habit of going to the gym… I still much rather stay home and play video games… even though I know that after the gym I’ll feel like da MVP. I still feel hella lazy sometimes. Man. I guess it really never gets easier. Sigh.

Work has been crazy. I had to do a revert today… and it was a revert on code that I reviewed and helped deploy. I do think that you should feel comfortable deploying the code that you reviewed because you are responsible for it. But damn. My perfect revert record is ruined. Ruined. Actually… I probably had to revert before this but whatever. I just don’t remember it.

I started doing the design interview at work recently and today was the 2nd candidate that I interviewed. It’s good that my intuition is correct. I was a no on him and I think the general consensus was that he was slightly weak / junior and we’re already out of junior training capacity. I’m still hoping to meet a candidate that’ll put me in awe. But I think it’s… statistically unlikely but I can only hope.

Sundays has been my chores day and Saturday is now a work day. It’s crazy because… I woke up saturday earlier for work than I ever did even for yoga. Like… I prioritize work over yoga. Bleh. Next 2 weekends are still work before I can take a breather. So looking forward to a true weekend where I can just do nothing and play video games. Soon. Soon.

happy birthday super duper

I’m thankful that I was invited to super duper’s birthday party. I really thankful that I met such a cool mentor. I met him when I was 23 and first moved to SF and spending time with him is like looking at my life in the future in a lot of ways. I get to learn from other people. I think that at any point in time your opportunities are great but looking back you can only take one path you know - so you want to make sure you’re going down the path you want for yourself. And then I see people who have lived the amazing life vs people who just did whatever and ended up where they are.

Super duper was a mentor and a dear friend and I’m really happy for him. He’s living the dream. Working 2 days a week and playing starcraft. What a baller. What was I saying….. oh right. Looking back you can only take one path… so you’ve already neglected and lost time and shit. So you don’t want to lose time on the wrong things. At this point it’s already impossible for me to do some things. Some of my friends got married at 25 and I know that that’s not the path for me I guess.

Anyways… super thankful that I met such a wonderful person and that we’ve been friends for 4 years. I’m thankful that I live in silicon valley where I can see all the types of people that I could potentially turn into. Do I wanna be a 30 year old engineering director or a 35 year old CTO? Nah. I don’t think so. But it’s good to know that that’s the current path the ship is taking. I gotta steer the motherfucking ship.

Yesterday I went to the birthday party and just played Starcraft 2. It was great. But then… I played on a laptop with shitty gear and posture… and now my back hurts. Blargh. I’m old. I’m thankful for all the great people in my life that I’ve had the chance of meeting. It’s really weird because… everything is like random chance. The interview where they asked you that random question and you just answer with the first thing that pops into your mind. Or whatever. Serendipity in real life.

I went to spin today… was hella sick but I went. I’m thankful that I know that even though I really want to sleep… in the end going to spin is better for me both mentally and physically. Even though it’s not what I want to do…. it ends up being the best choice. Which is a lot of things. I don’t want to do - ends up being the best choice. That’s some gold right there. Alright. I’m thankful. Life is good.

Saturday Yo

Uh. I wanted this to be thankful but I tried to type Thankful Saturday and I kept defaulting to Saterday. Like… it looked wrong… but it took my brain 10 seconds to figure out the correct spelling for Saturday. Sigh. I am really really sleep deprived right now.

I went into the office today for work. Blargh. It’s actually not too bad. Had cookies and donuts and turtle tower with the team. We had the retrospective today and I’m thankful that I worked with such smart and nice people. I was kinda out Friday and didn’t do much so I felt bad but you can’t really do anything with you’re running on fumes.

I’m thankful that I’m wearing semi clean clothes. Lol. I’m literally wearing my last pair of clean underwear. Tomorrow I need to do laundry… but it’s also going to rain the entire day so I’m hoping that there’ll be enough of a window for me to do laundry. I watched the UFC today and damn. Holm and McGregor both lost. I think the moral of the story is that you can never give up. True champs fight to the end and it was so impressive to that Miesha got the 5th round submission considering the fact that she was on her way to defeat and getting punched in the face by a champ.

I started watching Parasyte. On my way back home from work I realized I was being retarded. I was really annoyed that the lyft driver didn’t stop on the right side of the street because it was raining like crazy. But then I realized I should just be thankful for the existance of lyft and the fact that I can cheaply and easily get access to car rides.

I’m thankful that I’ll finally get to catch up on sleep. Probably gonna sleep close to 15 hours soon. Oh man… kinda crazy sleep deprived.

overtime

I went to the gym and it was great that I went. Had delicious lunch today eating noodles, dumplings and uh… fried pancakes. Ooo. I went to house of pancakes.

Got mauled in magic the gathering. Blargh. Tomorrow is the first saturday of OT. Man. I’ll have 2 saturdays of overtime followed by a weekend of on-call. That means I’ve been working 5/6 weekends. Sigh. I work way too much.

Always be following the process

I just got back from shuffling and I feel freaking great. I was sleep deprived and feeling crappy for most of the day. I think it’s because I missed 3 workouts. I think something that I’ve learned multiple times is to always follow the process no matter what. It’s like… whenever I get tired and stop working out… it just becomes a death spiral. Whenever I get lazy and stop meditating… I just go into rage mode spiral.

I think… working out when sleep deprived and stressed out at work all the time paradoxically makes me more energetic. I mean sure… It takes energy to go to the gym and stuff… but 2 hours of sleep is probably worse than 2 hours less of sleep with a decent workout and meditation.

I took a video with Miles sensei to mark my 2 month progress. It’s pretty neat. I gotta work the next two saturdays. Blargh. I’m not the type to complain.. but I do think the workload is intense. At the same time… there have been people that work longer hours than me at my company. And from what I hear of other people who work 80 hours a week.. I guess it’s not too bad. It’s just that I really miss having a nice day on the weekend just to go out and read a book in a coffee shop. I’m down to my last two pairs of underwear. Which means I gotta spend all of Sunday doing laundry. /shrug.

Everything is easy. There’s no point in thinking it’s hard. Cause it’ll be hard if I think it’s hard and it’ll be easy if I think it’s easy. So why make it hard on myself. Tomorrow is gonna be easy. Saturday is gonna be easy. Then laundry sunday will be easy. Life is fucking good.

How to multiply your time

Check out the original video here.

Well. My mind is blown.

Eliminate. Automate. Delegate. Hmmm.

There is just so much goodness in this talk. I think the key point is procrastinating because you know you want to do it / need to do it but don’t feel like doing it is the bad / death form of procrastination. Procrastinating when you know that you don’t need to do it right now and you decide to do it later is perfectly acceptable. The thing is… I’ve been doing the bad form of procrastination and it’s something that I need to work out.

I think with regards to elimination. I’ve gotten better at eliminating time wasters and shit that I shouldn’t be doing. Saying no to random things.

With automation… I’d say I’m almost master level at it since I’m a programmer. And I automate a lot of things that other people would have to do manually.

With delegation… hmmm. I think it’s something that’s always on my mind and I already do it to a certain extent. I pay people to buy my groceries (instacart). I pay people to drive me to places (uber). I pay people to clean my apartment. I don’t quite have a virtual assistant so I still do a lot of low value tasks like finding vacation plane tickets and booking airbnb. But I think that’s fine for now… since… hmm. Nah. That’s bullshit. I think I should probably investigate the time into finding a reliable virtual assistant so that they can help me do the mundate tasks of booking airbnb and flights. Those two take so much time and is such a waste of my life. Hmmmm. Maybe. Maybe.

tl;dr - this video was much better than I had imagined it from the title. watch it and see how much time you make

Dad visiting

I’m thankful that my Dad visited me all the way from Toronto. He boughht me president’s choice chocolate chip cookies x3. It’s like… one of the few things that I really miss about Toronto. Them chocolate chip cookies.

I went to Cafe la Press with my dad and had an egg benedict. It’s really funny because I was craving egg benedict ever since the shoukugeki no souma episode. I’m thankful that I got to have fancy french food that’s one block away from my house with my dad. Also egg benedict. Sadly it didn’t compare to the anime version.

Then itea. I tried out the panda milk tea. So goood. For dinner I took my dad to cheesecake factory. I’m thankful that I get to have such a delicious cheesecake place. I was annoyed by the fact that you can’t book and stuff. Waiting is a huge pet peeve of mine… I need to uh… get better at it. So far I’ve just been avoid all places that need to wait.

I think whenever visit it makes me realize how lucky I am. My home is like… the perfect setup. And it’s close to everything. Ramen. Burgers. Boba. Cheesecake. So much goodness that I sometimes take for granted.

I booked Alexander’s steakhouse for tomorrow. I’m thankful that something fancy and nice as Alexander’s steakhouse is in store for me. Tomorrow will be golden gate bridge and fisherman’s wharf tour guide.

so sleepy

I’ve been making stupid retarded decisions recently. So sleepy right now. I got borderline sick this past week… and yet I’ve only been sleeping for 5 hours per day. I’ve been surviving on caffine and sugar. Blargh. And yet…. each night I continue to just waste my life doing random shit and not sleep. Dunno.

On the other hand… since I was sick I skipped gym this Tuesday/Thursday. I decided to go to the gym today and uh… even though I was extremely sleep deprived… I still put in my reps. It’s all about the process and just showing up. And it’s good that I did show up. I think… whenever I miss my process… I actually have an itch to go back and fix it. So that’s good.

My dad’s visiting tomorrow. That’ll be fun. I’ll get to go to a nice fancy steakhouse. Also the cheesecake factory.

anime with friends

Went to spin today despite feeling sick. I think spin actually made me feel healthier after sweating it out.

Off to anime night with friends. We’re watching mirai nikki. Even though I’ve already seen it… it’s more about just chilling with friends I guess.

Edit: Just got back from shuffle. So much fun. But uh… frigggg. I feel old. Lol. I think I pulled a back muscle cause I went too intense without warming up. Damn. Warmups are so important now that I’m old. BooHoo.

I’ve been HEALing myself. I’ll write about the book at some point later.

weekly appreciate

I just made my own sushi sandwich wrap. It was quite tasty. I’m thankful for the ease which I got it. Amazon delivered me the seaweed sheets and chinatown got me the shredded pork fillings.

I’m thankful that I’m healthy now. I was like really borderline sick and I would say that I’m still borderline sick. Might work from home tomorrow to not infect others but… it’s good that I’m not deathly sick.

I hang around some really smart people. I’m thankful that I have them in my life. I’m thankful for the great books that I have access to… currently reading hardwiring happiness and wooden on leadership.

SF public transit isn’t actually too bad. I’m thankful that I don’t need to drive in SF. between public transit / lyft / uber… I’m hella spoiled.

Also I learned how to make essentially pizza hut level garlic bread with cheese at home. Except it’s sour dough bread with cheese. I went out to get boba yesterday and it was the chinese new year annual parade. I’m thankful for the #onlyinsf events that I just stumble upon since I live downtown.

The first 20 hours

Check out the video here.

I think this may have been the video that sold me on ted talks. Since watching this video there was a time where I would watch a ted talk daily. Now I just watch a ted talk weekly.

This ted talk was really interesting for me. Because… it was honestly so shocking how good he was given that he only practiced 20 hours. I think this goes by to my thought of how everything boils down to the basics. If you master the basics… it allows you to get good really fast. The alternate method is kinda hacky learning.

So you can life hack or growth hack or whatever. And you’ll get really good for the first 20 hours. But I think paradoxically… you won’t get as good later on. So I think it’s important to balance the first 20 hours with many many hours of practicing the basics. That said… I think watching this video was more about… breaking limitations for me. If this guy can get so good in 20 hours… how much better can I get in 20 hours? A lot better.

So I guess… this video was more about making me believe what’s possible. After all… whatever you believe to be hard or easy. It’ll become reality. And this kinda bent reality for me.

tl;dr - watch this video to see how good you can get in 20 hours learning an instrument from scratch

Just noped outta the ran

I wanted to go to spin class today. I left work earlier to go. And as I left I ran into a coworker.

We lyft pooled back. I’ve been reading this happiness book… and been trying to put it into practice. Like… randomly running in coworker and sharing a lyft is a positive experience. I should’ve slowed down and learned that memory or whatever. But no biggie. Plenty of positive experiences in my life.

So I got home and packed all my stuff and got dressed. It was raining but I didn’t use that as an excuse. I told myself I’d just leave the building and if it was crazy rain I’d walk back. And it was crazy rain… so I just walked back.

So tired at work. There’s just been so much to do. I’ve been doing mega PR reviews. Like 6000+ lines of code. That took hours and was crazy tiring. I wonder how gosu people manage to read code faster than I can read text…

Instacart delivery is happening later today. So I get fresh fruit despite it being crazy rain. Life is good.

Software Engineer Thankful

I just spent Friday playing Street Fighter IV and Magic with a dance friend. He came over to visit the headquarters and play some video games and magic. I think… there’s just a lot that I take for granted. Like… when people visit my office they are quite surprised by how nice it is. We have the PS4 + Wii U setup for video games.

My work machine. I’m so spoiled. It’s the best 15’ Macbook Pro you can get. It’s fully decked out with max ram / ssd / graphics. I have steam on it and Starcraft 2 and use my work laptop as a gaming machine… just because it’s so powerful. I have a desktop that’s more powerful… but my desktop is Linux only. I wouldn’t have access to OSX if it wasn’t for work.

At work… I have a DAS mechanical keyboard and a steelseries uh… sensei gaming mouse. It’s like… the coolest gear that I would get for myself at home if I could. My home mechanical keyboard isn’t even as ‘nice’ as a DAS. It’s still a really nice mechanical keyboard from steelseries but not quite DAS level. I remember uh… back in my University of Waterloo days. It’s like looking over coop job descriptions. They let you get whatever gear you want… so you could like pick a new windows laptop or like have $1500 to spend on a laptop/desktop/keyboard combo… and I’m thinking now… in the present my laptop / keyboard / monitor / mouse setup at work is - it really can’t be much better.

My friend was quite amazed by the office and my work setup. And to be honest… if you asked the old me back in the University of Waterloo days. If I could predict my work life… you know the interview question - what would you be doing in 5 years? 5 years ago.. I was 22 and about to graduate from the University of Waterloo. If I were to guess at my outcome then… my current situation is like… I would describe myself as lucky as fuck. If I were really lucky… I’d get to work on the next up and coming startup. I’d get catered lunches. Make over 100k. Have my own place. Get to work with really cool technology.

Like… the 5 years ago me… this would be like the ideal dream life. The 1% chance almost. And now I’m living it. So I’m hella thankful I guess. It’s weird that… I take so much for granted. What’s crazy scary is… I wonder what 5 years from now will be like. My dream for 5 years from now… will I achieve the 1%. The best that I could possibly dream of. When I’m…. 32. Will everything that I’m dreaming of now. The 1% ideal world come to fruition? It’s kinda scary. On one hand… I actually believe that it’ll happen. All my dreams will come true. Like… I mean. If I’m living the 1% dream from 5 years ago… why can’t I be living the 1% dream that I have now? I think I can do it… and I’m taking the steps to make that a reality. Shiet… it’s like… scary and exciting at the same time.

I’m really thankful that my passion of video games lead me to software engineering and then having met some crazy mentors in silicon valley. I think I already wrote a post about it. I’m honestly surprised at how good I’ve gotten. And how good some other people can be.

I took over on call for a coworker so I’ll be on call for Valentine’s day weekend. Forever alone. -,-

So Salty

So I just got back from Tuesday game night at Folsom Street Foundry. Man. I think it’s like… only in Calfornia / SF that you have a weekly event in a bar where gamers meet up to play Starcraft / Smash Bros / Street Fighter / Mario Kart / Guitar Hero / other games and drink. Only in San Francisco. It’s a pretty cool place to be. Man. I gotta say. I was feeling hella salty towards the end though. I played N64 smash bros where I declare myself as an advanced player. And uh… I met this semi pro / pro amateur player who ranks 3/32 when he goes to tournaments… and I got crushed. Blargh. The cool thing was that towards the end he started teaching me moves that I forgot. Oh. I made a new facebook friend. He’s a software engineer that works in fidi so we’ll soon be working near each other. I’m sure we’ll be able to meet to play more video games in the future.

Oh. I of course played Street Fighter IV. And uh… I was just really salty cause I fucking sucked. I couldn’t execute my moves properly. And uh… it’s funny because they always say that your greatest enemy is yourself. And in this case… I think I uh.. was defeated more by myself than my opponent. Not to say that my opponents were weak. They were quite good… but I don’t think the results reflected my ability. Somewhat disappointed. But now I’m feeling less salty. It was an interesting and fun experience. I still need to work on conquering my emotions I guess. The salt factor reminds me that I’m not fully in control And the thing is… I think overcoming emotion is essential to like… everything. It allows you to work under pressure and excel and stuff. Emotion is good as a overall compass… but I feel that it’s mostly a negative.

I keep forgetting how lucky I am. I had a team dinner with my coworkers. I’m pretty spoiled. Free dinner at a nice restaurant that I’ve never been to. And OMG. It’s too hilarious. I just randomly ran into two friends of mine from SF. I think at this point… since SF is just as small if not smaller than Toronto/Markham. I’ve uh… upped my SF factor. It’s like… wherever I go now in SF… it’s at this point more likely that I’ll run into someone I know than don’t. Sigh. I kinda like being anonymous. Cause… I don’t quite want to be famous yet.

Lucky and thankful

I had to work on Sunday during the superbowl. It was crazy and hectic. The thing is… it’s not bad at all and I kinda enjoyed it. The thing is so many times I forget how lucky I am. Even though I do a weekly thankful post to remind me of all the things I’m thankful of… there are times when I just think negative thoughts. All this work that I have to do. Or all the laundry I gotta carry a whole two blocks etc.

The reality is that I’m really lucky. I work for a pretty cool company with lots of smart people. The company that I work for is almost my dream company. Almost. Or rather… I can’t really imagine a better company to work for. Then again I’ve only been working at 7 or so companies so maybe I haven’t seen enough of the world.

I went to the gym today… even though I was really tired from work and stuff. And it was great. I definitely feel better that I went to the gym. And it’s like… I could look at the gym as work… but really it’s I get to live in a place that’s like walking distance to a good gym. I was one of 3 people using the entire facility… it was like my own private gym. I mean… it doesn’t get much better than that.

A lot of the times I think of things as work. But it really isn’t because I enjoy doing it and it’s fun. I think that’s just a relic of the old thought pattern where anything that wasn’t retardedly easy and effortless with work. But fun can take effort too I guess. Well… I guess this somewhat turned into a thankful post. I’m thankful for all the amazing people in my life. It’s chinese new years. I’m thankful for the people that I work with. And I’m thankful that I live in a wonderful place. Life is good.

Thankful superbowl

Today’s unique event was helping my friend move his furniture. Woke up at 1030am and walked up two flights of stairs to help him move his bed and shelves. It was about 20 minutes of physical labour. This is the guy who referred me to the building and helped me find the perfect location in SF to build my lair. Hehe. Lair. Sometimes I wonder… if my SF lair will be looked upon as the most fondly. You know how people with startup growth and stuff.. their favorite story is of the grind. Back in the day we had to code in a dark basement yadda yadda yada. It’s like.. back in the day I had a studio in SF. It was the shit. Maybe someday when I’m rich with my mansion I’ll look back on the days of my SF lair life.

I’m thankful that I live in such a nice location. I’m glad that I got to help a friend out with random stuff. I think… it kinda goes full circle. I went to yoga today. And wow… yoga was hard. It’s surprising that downward dog still isn’t a restful position for me. The thing about full circle is what I’ve been thinking about wanting stuff and achievement. It’s like dreams -> achievement -> new dreams -> new achievement. Or in the case of the helping friend behaviour… don’t wanna help -> can help -> want to help. Or in the case of talking to strangers at a party for me it’s can’t talk -> can talk -> don’t wanna talk. It’s like… the action is the same… but the thoughts behind the action is way different.

I’m thankful for the nice california weather today. The walk to yoga was actually so enjoyable. The days are starting to get longer which is good.. since sunlight is good for my health. Oh. The other thing about full cycle is that some of my friends went to Tahoe this weekend. It’s like… don’t like trips -> trips are fun -> i’d rather go to yoga then tahoe. The action of don’t like trips and i’d rather go to yoga is the same (staying home) but then the reasoning behind it is so much different. But it does feel like a full circle. It’s like… I attended toastmasters to get better at public speaking. But I don’t ever use the skill because I don’t need it.

I guess I’m thankful that I know myself better and that I’m better at just doing what I want. I think I’m just better at embracing my selfishness now. I’m selfish.. but I sometimes enjoy helping others. = deal with it.

superbowl weekend

Wow. This week is kinda… crazy. Well for one thing it’s already February.

This Sunday is super bowl weekend… and I have to work in the office. It’s not too bad since I only need to get in at 1pm… which means I get the usual Sunday mega sleep.

The new office location is announced. It’s first and market which is a 10 minute walk from my house. Super excited for that. No more taking the disgusting bus for 30 minutes. Although… in retrospect it’s like… boo hoo I gotta take a bus for 30 minutes… when in reality the 30 minute commute is almost the best that I’ve ever had. The only better one is a 10 minute drive from my old house to IBM. But IBM work was… soul sucking.

I failed my tuesday workout.. and it was so bad. Missing my workout is definitely not trying enough and just being dumb. I think it’s important to notice the difference between when I’m trying vs being lazy. On extreme.. imagine if you could go back in time to your 4 year old self. Of course you’d be able to fix all your mistakes and stuff since you are so much older. But what if that mistake was just a day back. Doesn’t the day back mistake of trying your best equate to the analogy of the 4 year old self? I dunno… but it’s hard to tell I guess. Only you can judge yourself in that regard.

I need to do my taxes soon. Soon. So much taxes. The oncall. I wanna just sleep. I still have some vacation planning to do and other stuff… but we’ll see. My brain is just… melted now. Sleep soon… soon.

Magic draft

I just got back from gamescape in SF. I went drafting with a coworker… it was a very interesting experience.

First of all… I guess it’s cool to try out new things. Uhh. It was quite fun. I just wanted to write about how… in the past I would have social anxiety or like… feel kinda nervous when trying out new things. But today I didn’t feel nervous at all. Nothing at all. Nothing at all (stupid sexy flanders). Lol.

I haven’t played magic in awhile. They introduced a new colorless color which is essentially a new color so I don’t get why they didn’t just introduce a new color but whatever. I lost 2/0 twice. And both times I could’ve extended the game / made it much closer instead I was being retarded. I feel kinda salty. And also dumb. Mostly dumb but whatever. I had fun. That’s all that matters.

Honestly… I think I just played really dumb. Sigh. I made so many mistakes. It’s like… I played when I shouldn’t played. I attacked when I knew that they would have instants/counters. And I didn’t play my spells because I was newb. Sigh. I guess I am salty. I gotta just let it go.

I’ve been cutting laundry really freaking close. I’m down to my last pair of clean underwear. So tomorrow after yoga and shower… I’l be wearing my last pair of clean underwear. Guess I 100% must do laundry tomorrow.

I got splashed by a car today. It was raining and a car drove into a puddle on the side of the road. It was sad because uh… I visually saw the water coming. And time slowed down. But my body didn’t move. Or rather… I didn’t move my body. I just saw the water moving slowly towards my legs and then time resumed when I got wet.

I guess… I play too much video games so I have the eye reaction but not the body reaction. O.O. It’s time to learn karate and judo so I can ninja dodge water when I see it come at me in slow mo in the future. Alright. I was worried that I would lose my streak but I got back home at 11:15. And I wrote this. My streak of writing daily posts goes on. Life is good. 45 day streak yo!

Last week of january 2016

Wow. A month is almost done. 1/12 of the new year is gone. Shit. Time flies yo. It’s totally a product of me being an old man.

Anyways. I’m thankful that I have good healthcare coverage in the States. It’s a rare privilege I suppose. I got my Hep b shot this morning. It’s in preparation of my Dominican Republic trip in April.

I’m thankful that I have the flexibility to work from home. Yesterday I went to see the sports chiro. I’m thankful of my sports chiro and of the person who introduced me. The sports chiro helps out with my back and my posture so much.

I’m thankful of instacart. I’m gonna have my weekly groceries delivered in about 2 hours. It’s pretty sweet.

I’m thankful of the support and uh warmth of my dance group. We learned house dance again and it was so much fun just like… jacking around. haha. Also the cyclone kick. I can’t wait till I learn the shoryuken shuffle.

I started reading… this psychology book. Man. I’m thankful of all the resources that I have access to.

How are you passing the baton

Check out the video here.

Hmmm. I guess just watch the video. The thing that caught my mind was… how are you passing the baton. Are you really working as a team? I mean… there are so many cases where other people just don’t want to do work because it’s not their responsibility. Or whatever… like there’s a clear divide in teams. On one hand I think once you reach a certain scale you do need the teams and the divisions. On the other hand when no one wants to do the crappy task and then you end up doing it and getting penalized… that just sucks. Like… sometimes I feel like the system rewards people who aren’t necessarily the best or even contribute the most it’s just that they get the most recognition or speak the loudest.

Talkers go far in all companies I guess. I’m a big believer in being the change that you want to be. But at the same time… you shouldn’t ignore reality. And the reality and the rules of the game are preset. It’s easier to adapt yourself to the system than to change the system. Maybe that’s just me being… tainted. But instead of trying to fix what’s broken it’s more beneficial to myself to just adjust to the system. It sucks but whatever. Climb to the top of the system and then change the system I guess.

Get rich like Bill Gates then fix the world after. =/

Everyday I'm shuffling

Last week I went to the SF / norcal shuffle gathering. I learned how to c-step and t-step. It was quite fun.

I just got back from spin. I had to force myself to leave work… because there’s always the temptation to stay. I dunno why. So much paperwork for work recently. There’s like 10 pages of forms to fill out cause we got new HR stuff. HR is my least favorite department. Paperwork for the sake of paperwork. Sigh. And Jira. Jira makes me sad. It’s like…creating work for no freaking reason. But whatever. I guess once you reach a certain scale then you need something like jira. Even though it’s gross and makes me wanna puke.

I went to the gym yesterday night and I’m almost back in 90% strength which is good. I think I’m starting to fall back into my good habits and the usual schedule. My weekly schedule is dance/gym/spin/gym/rest/yoga/gym. With lots of reading in between. And video games of course. Even though I’ve been uh… watching a lot of pointless TV in the new year. I think that was just my new year’s splurge and I’m pretty much back on track.

I’ve planned out my april dominican republic trip for my cousin’s wedding. That’s the only trip that I have fully planned. I also bought myself the coolest toy. Treat yoself. I’ll write about that once it arrives and write a review. I feel kinda… spoiled but whatever. Treat yoself.

One of the tech leads is leaving. He’s quite impressive in a sense that I would say that he’s slightly better than me despite that fact that he’s younger by like.. 3 years or so. Other people are so talented. Why can’t I be talented? I wish I were smarter (school rumble reference).

Science of Happiness

Check out the video here.

Dan Gilbert is a pretty famous psychology professor on the study of happiness. I read his book stumbling on happiness awhile back and really enjoyed it. I think I’ll probably re-read it since I forgot a lot of it but anyways.

I think that this ted talk is just… really important. I keep thinking getting x will make me happy / happier. And after getting x… I always feel pretty much the same. It’s kinda… disappointing. Like… I chased achievement and my dreams. And I’m pretty much living my dream from like the past. In the past I dreamed what I am now… and yet I’m still the same level of happiness as before. Well… I’m definitely happier but I think it’s more from other things than from the actual achievements that I’ve obtained.

The other thing to note is that choice actually makes you… sadder. Or… less content. Maybe that’s why single people aren’t as happy as married people. Cause married people don’t really have a choice and single people have so many choices. Also… synthetic happiness is a very interesting concept. It’s true that you can make yourself feel happy. And it’s true that you do feel happy despite failure. But I dunno… it’s still a paradox. Even after watching the ted talk and the data. I mean… even though the data says lottery winners are the same happiness one year later than handicap people. And I believe the data to be true. It’s just hard to believe that it would be the case… like I would choose to win the lottery over losing my legs any day of the week.

I do agree that happiness is all about your thinking though. You can think your way into happiness or sadness. People in the same situation can think that life is amazing or life sucks. I know that sometimes I have swings where I just focus on the negatives and everything is horrible. Then I just try and be more thankful and think about all the goodness in my life and I’m happy again. I guess it’s all about that mindset and what you think after all.

Still week of lazy

I just got back from spin class and cooked dinner. So far in 2016… I’ve missed 3/3 weekday workouts. Kinda disappointed… but it’s my own fault. Plus… I know that I’ll eventually get back on track so I’m not too worried.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep prioritizing work over stuff I’d rather do. Even when there’s no work pressure for me to do that. No one forces me to think about / work a lot except me. Yet… I still work more to the point that it’s causing me to miss workouts. I guess it’s all excuses. I mean… I’m the only one that can decide what to do. Like how I decided to go to spin today by leaving work early. I just gotta decide to not overwork myself so I don’t get too tired to go to the gym.

This monday’s dance practice was so much fun. We had a guest instructor teach us house dance. I’m not a master jacker. Lol. The jack. It’s such a funny name for a dance move. And the reverse jack is too jokes. I was trying not to laugh learning it… but couldn’t help but smile.

I’ve been watching detective vs detective. I also finally got the hard copy of the sports psychology book so I’ll be reading that this weekend. I’m looking forward to just going back to the weekly schedule of a book a week. Contact lenses are the best. I just recently started wearing contact lenses more. And it feels so amazing to see the world so clearly all the time. Like… no need to clean the glasses… and you can like look at angles beyond the frame. I think I’ll probably get laser eye surgery at some point in the future.

thankful for the ultimate alliance

I went out for dinner + dancing with the ultimate alliance group yesterday. It was so much fun. I’m thankful that I get to be a part of a dance group of super cool people.

I think that as I’ve gotten older I’ve diversified my friends group…I’m thankful for that. Well… even though I saw that I think all my friends are still college educated and don’t believe in creationalism. It’s weird that apparently in America half the population don’t believe in evolution. But I guess that’s a topic for another post.

I’m so thankful for the invention of contact lenses. I think I’m gonna get laser eye surguery at some point in time. It’s just so amazing that… I can see clearly without glasses.

I’m thankful that I live in a city. There’s just so much a take for granted. Walking around chinatown/sf/union square. I’m living in the place that people pay to travel to and take pictures of the streets and stuff. I just walk by the buildings and the streets everyday like it’s nothing.

I’m thankful that I’ve met wonderful mentors in my career. It’s kinda crazy how good I’ve become in terms of technical / software competency. I guess that’s what happens when I start applying myself and focusing on deliberate practice. At the same time… I guess it’s time for me to give back soon. The mentee becomes the mentor huh?

First spin of 2016

I missed my tuesday workout. It was forecasted to rain.. so I didn’t go. Then I stayed up until 4am… and it didn’t rain. Regret.

I went to spin today. It started raining like crazy mid walk there. I ran and survived. On the way back I just gave up and embraced the rain. I was fully soaked when I got back home. But I went to spin class so life is good.

I recently finished Kanzaki Naoki. I’ll probably write a jdrama review. It’s quite interesting… the most annoying thing for me was the substory / side arc. Cause that character was lame.

I think I have kinda an inverse new years resolution. You know how people always have new years resolutions and then they never stick to it? I always slack off in the first two weeks of the year before I get serious. Dunno why. I mean. It’s weird… every year in January you see the gym crowd up and tons of new people sign up. But by February / March it’s back to the usual where there’s not that many people. Then again… maybe I’m like other people. Except it’s not fitness that I fail at but my side projects or whatever.

But either way… looking back at 2015… it was amazing. And I’m sure that 2016 will be even better. So while I’m taking it easy the first two weeks and not really going to the gym and working / reading books. I know that my good habits are there and the foundation is strong. My year will be good.. even if it’s off to a bad start.

Doing laundry is still the hardest thing of the week for me. I’m down to my 2nd last pair of clean underwear. That’s a first… I would’ve already done laundry today but then the rain. Sigh. It’s predicted to rain tomorrow and friday as well. So… if I shower tomorrow night.. Friday will be my last day of clean underwear. O.O”

2016 - feeling old already

Wow. The xkcd here is just so perfect.

Man. I feel so old. I started watching Hanzawa Naoki and uh… Aya Ueto is playing a married waifu. Wow. Damn. It’s like… actresses that use to play flight attendants are now playing waifu… it means they got older and I also got hella older. I’m attracted to waifu actresses now. O.O

I went to the gym today in the rain… which was good I feel kinda badass. I missed the first yoga of the year… but I’m gonna let it go.. because my sleeping was honestly messed up. The drama is so dramatic. I guess that’s the whole point of drama and tv shows. To show us the unrealistic scenario of the one in a gazillion. While I’m sure the stuff happens… it probably doesn’t happen exactly this way. It’s like… the rare parallel universe where the stars align and everything mixes into a great drama.

I started watching the drama because it was highly rated and it was on my watch list. And I recently read a blog post on the Japanese salaryman by Patrick McKenzie aka Patio11. Japanese culture is so… interesting I guess. On one hand you undoubtedly have the crazy customs and stuff… on the other hand they somehow manage to make shit work despite the craziness and churn out amazing anime/drama/electronics. It’s weird.

Tomorrow is the first day of kpop dance class. It’ll be nice to be just in the class and not doing a workshop. Regular class is so much more fun.

Wow. Flashback of a scene in the same episode. That drives me nuts. Blargh. Flashback twice of a scene in the same episode. Also drives me nuts.

New years eve

Wow. It’s officially the end of 2015. What a year. I’ll be writing an annual review post to look at my year and stuff. But for now here’s the weekly update.

I went to the gym yesterday. I still… can’t seem to get stronger. I think it’s my lack of sleep and diet. Plus I haven’t been going consistently enough. Oh well. So my fitbit charge HR has proven my theories. My heart rate just randomly spikes to 190. For about a minute or 2. It’s happened twice this week. It’s kinda crazy. I’m not sure if I wanna see a doctor because I’m pretty sure the doctor can’t really do anything. Despite this… I ran a marathon… and my heart rate during spin class is always below 130. So my cardio is fine. I dunno what and why my heart rate spikes to 190. It seems to have no cause. One time it happened just after I got back from lunch after a walk home. Dunno. Whatever. I guess as long as it’s rare and short it’s fine.

There was a free wings promo today and I got myself some wings. Wings are so tasty. It’s probably bad for my health… but still so tasty. I also went to spin. It was quite the challenge. I took at nap from 6~7 and got to spin late. I still went though because… I know I won’t be getting any exercise for the next 3 days. Working from home today was pretty sweet. Woke up, wrote some code… got called to fix a p0 and figured it out. Life is good.

I watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona today. Wow. It’s like travelling back in time. Penelope Cruz is so hot. I think the movie reminds me of the lying to yourself thought. I started reading this book on pushing yourself to the edge… and there was a chapter on limiting beliefs. I think I still have some limiting beliefs in certain areas in my life. Limiting beliefs is like lying to yourself only worse. Since you think it’s the truth and don’t bother challenging it. In a way.. it’s worse than lying to yourself because when you lie to yourself you know that you’re lying. A limiting belief is like… a total blind spot. Pretty interesting book… and I guess it reminded me all about meta-cognition and meta-learning. Learning how to learn and looking at how you look at things. Deep yo.

Reading code is so much harder than writing code. I think this has been written about previously so I won’t go too much into it. It’s crazy how much brainpower I need to review code. That’s probably why I generally avoid reviewing code from people who are better than me. Or I think are better than me. For new years eve I’ll be working in the morning to midday. The plan is to review the mega PR that my coworker sent me and to fix this small test. No biggie. Get it done. Then play a ton of baldurs gate 2 enhanced edition.

I started playing baldur’s gate 2 enhanced edition. It’s kinda crazy. It’s like. I played the game before… and a lot of it feels like deja vu and nostalgia. Playing the game… made me realize something. I made a monk… and I had to look up the optimal monk build/items and skills etc. I think… until I maximize my monk.. it kinda takes away from the enjoyment of the game. And the way that I approach it is a reflection of my life. I try to maximize my stats in real life. The physical, mental, financial, spritual, relationships etc. Sometimes that takes away my ability to enjoy the present and enjoy the process. It’s something that I’ve become aware of and am addressing.

I also bought a panini press. It was only $30. And I figured that I’d break even after making like 6 sandwiches. I’m pretty excited to have it delivered by amazon tomorrow. Amazon is pretty great.

Post holidays

There’s so much that I take for granted I feel. I’m thankful that I have friends that I can just reach out to after not really talking for months and having everything be normal. And them being there for me. I’m thankful that I escaped Canada and the horrible internet caps. My friend ran out of bandwidth this month… while here in SF I have unlimited bandwidth and 50M download which is faster than anything that I had previously.

I’m thankful for amazon.com. It’s like… literally one of the bestest things about living in the states. I would buy their stock… but it’s like too expensive for me. I ordered myself an xperia m4 aqua because it was on sale recently. I also got myself a 128gb microsd card for $40. So for about $200 I got a fully decked out waterproof phone. Technology is pretty amazing.

I’m thankful for the fact that there’s 24h fitness. It’s great that I’ve built up the habit to work out. I went to the gym today from 9~10pm right around closing time. I’m still weaker than my peak… but my deadlift is at a personal best. I also got myself a panani machine on amazon for like $30 on a whim. I’m thankful that I now have the growth mindset and I like to experiment and try out new things. I’ve been making grilled cheeses from a pot. Like a stainless steel pasta pot. Just because I don’t own a frying pan. I can’t wait to make sandwiches on my panani machine.

I’m thankful that I have access to decent healthcare. I recently got my hep a / b vaccines in preparation for my cousin’s april wedding in Dominican Republic. I’m thankful for steam and the steam christmas sales. It hurts my wallet and my backlog is greater than 3 years but still. Steam has advanced linux gaming so much. I’ve been playing Baldur’s Gate 2 Enhanced Edition on my linux machine with my friend who is on windows. Linux and Windows cross play. That’s pretty amazing. Via steam. I can’t wait till steam box takes off and more and more games get on linux.

I think… I need to stop thinking of things that I want to do as work. It’s not work because I want to do it. I’m thankful that I didn’t get too sick this year. I remember last year I was sick and it wiped me out for 2 weeks of my holidays. It’s important to not take health for granted. Whenever I’m healthy… I always end up abusing my body because I’m so healthy you know. And then I sleep bad and eat bad. It’s important just to be thankful that I’m in good health.

pre big holiday

I had lunch with Alb. We went all the way to Richmond for this vietnamese place. It was on uh.. noreiga. The pho was meh… but I got two boxes of takeout which is apparently really good. I went to the doctor to get my hep a / hep b vaccines today. Sigh. One medical… and scheduling just drive me nuts. I schedule my doctor appointment for 11:40. Get there for 11:40. See doctor at 11:45… then the doctor doesn’t give me my shots. No. The doctor is too good for that. Instead I need to wait.. and then I waited for 45 minutes. The doctor didn’t even put me into the lab queue. Blargh. Doctors are fail. I can’t wait til robots replace doctors. It’s good that I’m a software engineer… my job will be the last to be replaced. Before that… I need to replace doctors, lawyers and horrible service people with robots.

I did a post code freeze deploy today. I feel so badass. Needed to get the director of engineering to sign off. Too jokes. I woke up extra early to deploy.. but in the end I had to wait. Whatever. It’s deployed and I improved performance while also feeling like a badass. Life is good. I went to spin class today. There was only… 4 people in the class including me. I think that’s what I always expect. That people in general are lazy. I’m planning on going to yoga this saturday which is boxing day. I wonder if yoga will be packed. I’m always so surprised when saturday yoga is packed because… saturday morning.. it’s so hard to wake up for yoga. Even I miss classes half the time.

My sennheiser 650 is heavenly. I’m gradually burning it in… I can’t wait til it’s compeleted and the sound gets even better. I wore my fitbit to spin. Turns out… I only hit 120 bpm or so in spin class. I wonder what my interval training on the treadmill would be. The treadmill says my heart rate was 190. But now I’m skeptical. Since I only hit 120 doing spin.

I got my 2nd instacart order. I’ll be making grilled cheese at home soon… over the break. Even though I don’t have a frying pan. It’ll be an adventure. Looking forward to a nice break of not leaving the house. Doing laundry is still my hardest task of the week. And… I’m mid laundry now. I can’t wait to read some of the books that’s in my backlog while listening to music with my new headphones.

Holiday party

So much to be thankful for this week. I had the so much fun at the holiday party. I got to dress up and shit. I look so goood. Tony always said I was a narcissist. So… now I guess I’m embracing it.

I got myself a fitbit charge hr, sennheiser hd 650 and the fiio e10k. Treat yoself. I’m thankful that I can pretty much buy all the toys and electronics that I want.

I’m thankful for Yakuza 5. It’s so good. I’m thankful that someone invented contact lenses. It’s so magical. It’s like I’m wearing nothing at all (nothing at all). Teehee.

I’m thankful for the Silicon Valley life. Like… it feels like I’m living in the Silicon Valley show. I was smoking weed at the holiday party with my coworkers. It’s pretty damn amazing. I didn’t bring a lighter as usual and just borrowed someone else’s.

How to find work you love

Watch the video here

I’ve seen this before so I guess this is more of a rewatch to refresh my memory. The big point that touches me is that… changing the way you think changes the way you act. When you think that something is impossible.. you won’t try and it will stay impossible. The line where he went from thinking that something was undoable to thinking that something had to be done. I think… that probably motivates most people. I mean… most people probably take action once they have to do something.

From his description… I would say that I love my job. To be honest… I’m living my dream job. But at the same time… it’s like I always want more. He mentions the average of 5 people rule and stuff. I guess… I make excuses. It’s hard to meet people who are great and ambitious because by definition most people are average. = Maybe that’s just a personal bias / self-fulfilling prophecy.

The part where the kid in a wheelcar swims 1.5 miles in the ocean. Wow. I guess for him impossible is really nothing. I mean… when you look at what other people worse than you has done… it’s not really fair to make excuses. I’m too sleep deprived to go to the gym - but a kid with no legs trained to swim 1.5 miles.

I think this video is one of the reasons that I watch ted in my spare time. There’s always one or two things that are really great learnings. And the rest… is reminder. Reminder of how to be great. I guess ted helps you become great in the way that reading books help you level up faster.

My streak is ruined

My github streak got ruined. Boo. Well… I let it happen. In a way I guess. Yesterday, I stayed late at work. Got dinner with the team and then headed back to the office and was there until 12:30am. We did a lot of design / planning. It was actually quite fun. Because… it’s interesting to see all the different viable ways of solving the problem and how everyone kind of has a preference towards certain technologies and unique risk tolerance.

I went to spin today. I missed my workout yesterday, but post spin today I snuck in the shoulder workout so I’m gonna mark that down as my 5x5 workout. I’ll probably do a workout this Friday night in order to balance out my Tues/Thursday with Wed/Fri.

The company holiday party is tomorrow. I’m looking forward to just celebrating and kicking back with people. And getting to know people better. And taking lots of pictures since I’ll be dressing up. It’s like one week from Christmas… and I haven’t gotten myself a present yet. I’m eyeing the Sennheiser HD 650. I’m thinking either the Sennheiser HD 600 or Sennheiser HD 650. I’m like 70% leaning towards the HD 650… because treat yoself.

I’ve been playing Yakuza 5 some more. It’s definitely the game of the year for me. It’s so good. The only thing bad about it… is sometimes the mini games feel too forced. And also… the messed up the order of the chapters. Chapter 2 is soooo boring compared to Chapter 1. I wish they swapped it. So I’d be bored and then excited rather than super excited then disappointed. But oh well.

I haven’t had much time to read… I’m still working through the CBT book and of course my backlog of books is like 10ish books still. =/

post ccsf dance performance

Wow. The craziest thing happened to me this morning and I feel like I have to write about it. It’ll probably be cleaned up in a thoughts post. You know… the inner lazy monkey voice? The one that when you want to do work tells you to read hacker news or reddit? To eat that cookie? When you want to the gym - it gives you a list of reasons to stay home and you need to willpower it to be able to take action? This morning… my monkey convinced me to go to yoga. It was like… so different. Normally it’s me trying to convince the monkey to go to yoga… but this morning it was the monkey convincing me. The monkey is from this site.

Before I forget.. this is what happened in the morning. Alarm went off. Let’s go to yoga. But I already missed 3 weeks of Saturday yoga. monkey - all the more reason to go. But it’s santa con - you went to yoga on st patty’s day. But I’ll be late - you’ve gone to yoga late plenty of times. but it’s cold - don’t worry yoga will warm you up. but i rather sleep - remember the benefits of yoga and how it’ll help your mind and body. It’s just… too crazy. It’s like… having the monkey on the side of what the proper action should be. I think… that’s probably what people who say follow your dreams and follow your passion means. When you have the monkey on your side… you’re pretty much unstoppable. Also - I don’t think my monkey can be defeated by logic. Because he’s logic and convincing as fuck. Hmmm. Maybe I’m crazy. And only my monkey is amazingly logical. /shrug.

So yeah. I went to yoga this morning with a big boost from my monkey. So I’m thankful that my instant gratification monkey is sometimes on my side. I just got back from lunch and some grocery shopping. I’m thankful that i-tea is between me and grocery :D. I’m thankful that I got my Chase Sapphire Preferred. I’ve gotten all my dream credit cards from a few years ago now.

I was playing Yakuza 5 yesterday. I finally finished the download and install. And I’m thankful in so many ways for Yakuza 5. I’m thankful that I have the fastest internet that I’ve ever lived with. I currently have 50M down with no download limits. I downloaded an entire PS3 game without having to leave my house. That’s pretty crazy. Yakuza 5 is such a good game. I just love the japanese voice acting and how it really feels like your transported in japan.

Yesterday I was the stage manager for the dance performance at CCSF. I’m thankful that I got to meet so many people and I can’t wait to perform with my group.

I’m thankful that I get to work with smart and talented people. At work I’m on this team that’s working such challenging things. I like working with people who are much better than me cause then they expect me to be as good as them which forces me to improve at a much faster rate. I think that’s the case with whatever that I choose to persue. Programming / Dance / Running etc.

On a side note - I’m thankful that UFC 194 and that no injuries happened. I’m so excited for Weidman vs Rockhold and Aldo vs McGregor. Weidman vs Rockhold is exciting because Weidman hasn’t really been challenged by anyone except Silva in his first fight. And Luke dominated Lyoto. That was some crazy shit. It’s like two fighters in the absolute prime who surpassed the previous generation. So excited. And then Aldo vs McGregor. I actually think Aldo is gonna dominate this fight. He’s been untouchable and is basically Anderson Silva Jr.

I’m thankful for all the friends that I’ve made. I ordered a charge HR so soon I’ll be able to monitor my heart rate 24/7. As well as my sleep. To determine if I’m actually sleeping enough.

hard work. dedication

I was planning on starting to write about ted talks… but it’s now 3am and I’m feeling really lazy.

I went to the gym today. I feel like such a badass. It was raining like crazy today. And I stayed at work until like 9pm. I was planning on skipping the gym again. But then I have a some beats none and never miss twice inspirational quote just lying around. I told myself I would just do stretches and then… some pushups at home. But then I just decided to go for a walk. To buy some milk… since that was 3 blocks away. Bought milk, came back. And decided it was time for the gym. Got to the gym at 12am. Worked out until about 1am. Came home. And then started watching some ted talks.

I’ve been meaning to write about my thoughts on various ted talks. Since I spend a lot of my time watching ted talks instead of tv shows. I guess that’ll wait til the weekend. Lucky for me I have tomorrow off… which is why I managed to get myself to the gym I guess. It’s all about the process. Hard work and dedication. There was a time when I thought I hit my physical plateau. Then… I realized I was going to the gym 6 times a month instead of 12 times a month. Or more.

3rd day of work

Hmmmm. It’s my 3rd day of work. And… I already missed my Tuesday workout. I didn’t go to the gym yesterday. I think… I just spend way to much mental effort at work at I’m too exhausted to go to the gym at night. My sleeping… it’s been really off. Mostly because I’ve been relying on coffee to sustain my brainpower at work. Coffee and boba. Oh well… it’s not works fault that I missed gym. It’s my fault that I missed gym. I went to spin today… so that was good.

Inheritance is horrrible. I already wrote about this in a separate post. But I’m trying to untangle some inherited classes… and it’s a real pain and annoying to like… trace through everything and make everything separate again and then remove the base class.

I’ve been reading this book on CBT. It’s called feeling good the mood therapy. It’s basically used to treat depression. Sometimes… I think I’m depressed. After reading this book… I think I might be depressed? But at the same time… it’s like I lived my entire life this way so then… I’m like used to it. Anyways… there’s this chapter on uh… what’s the word. Approval. I just realized that I’m approval seeking. And love seeking. Hmmmm. It’s like… I’m approval seeking… but I deal with it in a… bad way. I just make it such that I value no one. It’s like… I was approval seeking growing up since asian parents? But anyways… the way I dealt with it in real life is… say I want approval from someone. And that someone doesn’t like/approve of me… I just cope by downgrading said person. Said person who disapproves of me is worthless thus their approval is worthless. And… in the end I’m not approval seeking… but I also see almost the entire world / population as worthless. Hmmm. That’s probably bad.

I think I might have the same thing with love seeking. I’m like.. just a dog chasing it’s tail. On one hand… I don’t value love since it’s not really an emotion that I experience… probably because you can only love from a vulnerable position and I don’t like to be vulnerable / weak. /shrug.

I’ve been disappointed recently. I guess it goes back to being approval seeking? It’s like… I think of people as friends and I treat them as friends. But then the friendship is one way… and I guess that’s disappointing. But at the same time… I’ve done the same thing to other people. Looking at the point of the book… it just means that other people don’t think I’m good enough to be their friend or something. But even if that were the case… I have plenty of friends and whatever. So it’s like… I dunno why it’s even affecting me. Maybe it’s just the concept of fairness… I discovered that despite the fact that I believe that I’m purely logical or whatever. In the book predictably irrational. If you and someone else are offered free money. And the other person decides to split it or whatever but you get to decide to accept or reject the free money. If they offer a 9/1 split. You get $1 free. Everyone should accept the $1 free. But then… since the 9/1 is perceived to be unfair - you end up rejecting it. Logically… it doesn’t make sense because you’re comparing $0 and $1. I dunno… I’m just surprised that I have the biased sense of fairness despite the fact that I believe in cold hard logic.

The other thing on the book on depression is that you shouldn’t base your value / worth on external stuff. A lot of people base their value on their achievements in careers or whatever. It’s like… if I have the wealth, status and ability or whatever. Then life will be good. I think… I’ve just been chasing after the unreachable. I want to be rich, and smart, a strong, and fast, fluent in Japanese, programming, and piano. I dunno. So much that I want to achieve… and I guess… chasing after the status and wealth… isn’t good. To quote the book - you can always do better. Whether you’re a billionaire, or a genius. There’s always something you could’ve done better. So I guess… you’ll never be happy cause you can always be better? /shrug.

I saw 10% happier by Dan Ariely on my coworkers desk. I think I’m gonna get it and put it on my reading list backlog after my current depression / CBT book.

I’m excited for this Friday. It’s my dance group’s dance performance. I’ll be a ticket usher. My first chance at doing manual labour. Since I never worked a labour job. Only programming jobs. I guess it’s just been a brain dump.

Post performance day 1

So much that I’m thankful for. First… I guess I wanna write down my thoughts on the performance since it was today and it’s fresh in my mind. I didn’t really have a goal for the performance… it was mostly to have fun. I guess… I didn’t want to aim for perfection since perfection isn’t really possible. There’s always gonna be a better and a worse. I think I performed in the range of expectations which is not too good or not too bad today. It was so much fun. I got to sit for the tech… and uh watch the other group perform. I think… I’m finally starting to understand dance / choreo. The thing is… learning new pieces was always really difficult because for me it was always learning arbitrary moves paired with music. I think it’s because I didn’t understand the basics / underlying principles. After watching most of the shows… I think it’s obvious that the moves are synced to the music in a sense that a beat / drop is usually associated with a strong / step move. Mind blown. I guess it’s good I’m starting to see a pattern and not seeing it as a series of random movements.

The other thing is… all the other performers were really really good. But like… they were also practicing for months and most of them had years of experience. I guess… it’s unrealistic to expect that I could become as good as people who started dancing when they were 5. Oh. Also the opening was a kid’s dance to Michael Jackson songs… they were hella good and hella cute. A lot of people see the performance… and then they want to be as good as the performers… but then they don’t see the years of practice and hard work that allowed the performance to happen. The other thing is… I recently finished the book Software Project Survival Guide by Steve Mcconnell. And I find that a lot of the concepts apply to real life more than projects. Well… I’ll write a full review on the book… but I think the book is mostly targetted towards medium / large corporations and not really start-ups. Anyways… it’s much cheaper to catch mistakes early on. If defect that slips in the planning stage… cost 200x more to fix in the development stage. And… I suddenly thought of the dance choreo and uh. Learning new things. If you learn the dance choreo wrong / not well in the beginning and you just practice… towards the end it gets much harder to get it right. So don’t just approximate the moves… always learn it correct the first time. I think… my deadlifts / squats need a rework. I think I might have learned some wrong stuff.

Well. I’m thankful that I got to work with an awesome dance instructor and meet some really cool people as part of my kpop performance dance workshop. I’m thankful that I got to see the tech reharsal of all the other major dance groups. Like… it feels like VIP to sit in an empty theatre and watch the dancers perform. I’m thankful that I have amazon.com and amazon prime. I just ordered a lumo lift for posture and a box of lindt chocolate and it’s expected to arrive tomorrow. I remember…. growing up as a child Lindt was considered gourmet chocolate since it was expensive and I/we couldn’t really afford gourmet chocolate. I gotta remember to take pictures with everyone tomorrow.

Omg performance tech is today

So… dance performance tech is in… 1.5 hours. Performance is in less than 24 hours. And 2nd performance is Sunday. Blargh. Hmmmm. It’s been awhile since I performaned. I guess the last time I performed was piano when I was uh… actively practicing as a kid / young adult. Hmmmm. I think… I’m just much more confident in piano since I have more experience with it. Dance I’ve only been doing for a few months. Shrug. Whatever. Even if I fail spectacularly and just end up doing the african dance off beat I think it’ll be okay. I guess there’s nothing to worry about. Maybe I’ll become the William Hung of hip hop.

Today I visited SFSU. The campus was okay. I think every american campus that I’ve visited thus far is nicer than Waterloo simply by virtue of location. I mean… I remember lining up for the Burger King grand opening in Waterloo. Burger King opening was a… major event. Since burger king represented one of the top food choices available on campus. That’s… kinda sad but whatever.

My sennheiser 598 arrived. I realize now… how crazy spoiled I am. I just threw away my Sennheiser CX-200 earphones. I think they were $30 when I got them. But at this point… I have so many pair of earphones… that the fact that one of the ears stopped working made the $30 earphone disposable. Back in the day… I would only buy $5 earphones. I guess… I’ve 6x my income and spending since the poor college days. Well… probably more. But whatever.

Work is back to normal… in like… 3 days. Only 3 more days to play the epilogue. Of Starcraft. Blargh. No time. No time. Panic. Shrug. I’ve been reading this book on CBT. It basically says that all your emotions come from your thoughts. There’s nothing to panic about because… I’ll survive regardless. I could bomb the performance and I’ll survive. I could just skip work and quit and I’ll survive. There’s nothing to fear. =

I forget what I wanted to write about…. hmmm. I saw a doctor today. Neosporin… I’m allergic to neosporin. Bleh. I was wondering why my cuts were mind blowingly itchy. I guess now I know. I was worried that I have a flesh eating itch bacteria or something. I also uh… asked about vaccines / drugs for my Dominican Republic trip in april. I think I might need to get a Hep A vaccine.

I also finally got the Chase Sapphire Preferred 50k points. I was approved for the card a few days back. I’ll probably write a post on the thankfulness of achieving my dreams. I guess. When I first moved here in 2013… my dream was to get the Chase Sapphire Preferred, the Citi AA, and the Baraclay World card. And now… I have all 3. I have all 3 + British Airways CC. Wow. All my CC came true. It’s crazy that… by having more income… you get access to more free stuff and more free money. I guess that’s why billionaires get to go to fancy parties and have caviar for free.

Gonna take a nap… I’ll plan to write more organized posts in the future. Right now it’s just freeform I guess… since I want to develop the habit of writing… before I try and write well.

Post black friday

I just finished meditating. I did end up buying the Sennheiser 598 Black edition. I had kpop dance practice today and it was the final practice before the tech which is this coming Friday. I was reading an article on poverty on hacker news about how some people who grew up with poverty identify with poverty and thus are labelled as poor and mistreated by society by having to overcome barriers. Extra paper work at hospitals etc. Because they are perceived as low literacy or whatever.

I also recently read this article on hacker news about this italian programmer who struggled to learn English. He became fluent at the level of being able to communicate his programming ideas but not fully fluent. And I guess. It made me not realize… but like remember the fact that I’m really lucky and I have lots to be thankful for. I was born in Canada. I guess right now… sometimes I wish I were born in the America… (I hope that statement doesn’t disqualify me for future TN visa..). Being born in Canada with universal health care and a good public education system. Well… good is subjective I guess but it worked for me. I got access to tax paid public school education… and went to the University of Waterloo. I paid for tuition mostly by myself and graduated with really little debt.

I’m really thankful that I can speak fluent english. I think… something like that gets… discounted. I mean. I grew up in Canada and although the first few years of public school…the teachers said I had poor english or whatever. My dad was like “I’m more worried about my son not speaking Chinese” and I guess his worry was correct. I speak english order of magnitude better than chinese. But like… being able to speak fluent english is a pretty big advantage over the rest of the world. I think having any type of foreign english accent is probably detrimental to job searching. Even though it shouldn’t be the case.

I think I have a tendency to be negative. Probably like most people. Instead of appreciating the fact that I was born in Canada which is a really good place - I just think if only I could be born in the States. Or Japan. I mean… going to school in Japan would’ve been amazing. Like… the 3 school terms with a few weeks of vacation. The school festivals and uniforms. I’m gonna pull a my boss my hero and enroll in a Japanese high school at age 30. Lol. Instead of appreciating how hard working my parents were and how they sacrificed to raise me… I tend to wish that I had even better parents that were smarter, better and more supportive.

I’m really thankful for all the amazing people that I’ve met. And for all my uh… hunches and faith to have come through. I recently took 3 weeks of unpaid leave.. and it’s really great that my company lets me do that. Prior to this… I just quit my job and decided that I wanted something different and to challenge myself. I quit my job before I found another one because I had faith in my abilities and I knew that I could find a better job easily, and one that would satisfy all the requirements in my decision matrix. And everything worked out. Well. I guess that’s survivorship bias right there. But - I seem to always survive. And when I don’t survive. I guess you won’t be reading what I’m writing.

It’s the final week of my vacation. And it’s undoubtedly gonna be a jam packed finish. I got 3 books to finish. And a bunch of people to catch up with over lunch and stuff. This break has been so amazing to my recovery. I guess it’s true that you just need to take a step back to appreciate what you have. Amazon.com is so amazing. I need to just appreciate how great it is. Moving from amazon.ca to amazon.com. I think that alone is almost 50% of how great america is compared to canada.

I was too lazy to leave my house to walk 2 blocks to buy milk. And so… I got postmates to deliver me milk today. I feel so spoiled. I’m so grateful that… the technology exists for this to happen and that I can afford to use such a technology. I ordered some guess boots from amazon and it arrived so fast. I look hella good in my dance performance outfit. Folllow me on instagram to eventually see me post the picture. :)

tl;dr - I’m hella appreciative of the small things that I often neglect. Being born Canadian. Having a family that raised me without having to worry about food or shelter. Life is good

Thanksgiving 2015

I’m tempted to write a mega annual thankful post but I think that’ll wait til closer to the new year. I still have another month left before the year ends and I think I’ll have much more to be thankful for in this month. I’ve already met some of the coolest people this year. And I also learned so much about myself and grew so much.

For this post… I guess I’ll just write about one thing specifically that I’m thankful for. And I guess… it’s technology and how I’m living in the future. Shiet… I’m an old man now. I’m like.. the old man that talks to kids about back in the day blah blah blah. I’ve recently been playing Starcraft 2 - Legacy of the Void on my Macbook Pro. And it’s… so amazingly fun. And nostalgic. Tempted to post some spoilers… I guess I’ll just say that seeing one of my favorite characters die… was sad.

But back in the day… I remember when I was a young kid who knew nothing about computers or programming. I remember having a P4 2.4 ghz PC with 768 Megs of RAM. I felt like such a badass for having so much ram back in the day. It was 512+256. I mean… how many people even have 256 back in the day not to mention two sticks of different sizes. I remember wanted to learn how to do thing from the windows terminal because the dos window looked so cool. Real men use the command line - I guess I stumbeld upon that at a young age before I even knew what command line really was.

It’s crazy. Now… my laptop has 16 gigs of ram. My phone has 2 gigs of ram. And my phone is a dual core. It’s so crazy that… looking back… I was imagining the future… and now that I’m in the future. There’s no way that past me could’ve predicted the future. I mean… that’s why whenever employers ask where you think you’ll be in 5 years or 10 years… I think that the question is bullshit. Because… so much changes in like 2 years. I don’t think I could’ve predicted where I’d be at two years ago… it’s like. Too far out and crazy.

Anyways. I guess for this post… I’m just thankful for the crazy technology progress in computer hardware and technology in general. My cell phone is faster than the computer that I use to play Starcraft on. And it’s resolution is higher than the 1024x768 monitor I had back in the day. And my cellular data is faster than the cable internet back in the day of 1M. Crazy right.

tl;dr - I’m thankful for the advances in technology and how my phone is more powerful than the machine I use to play Starcraft on

Thanksgiving 2015

Hmmm. It’s wednesday which means my weekly retrospective or whatever. I’m writing this post on Wednesday night… and uh. It’s kinda crazy because my concept of weekdays and time is way off. It feels… so foreign to me that today is Wednesday - even though it is. I think it’s because in my vacation time… it’s only differentiated by wake time vs sleep time. Vacation has been great. I sleep when I’m tired and eat when I’m hungry. And I don’t really plan my days but I get to do what I’ve been meaning to do.

Let’s start with today and go backwards. Hmmm. I woke up at 3pm. Probably bad but I’m borderline sick so it’s okay. I think I’m like sick/recovering from the flu. I’m not deathly sick but I was having a stuffy/runny nose and some tiredness. Anyways. Woke up at 3pm… made a small lunch. Then wasted time. Oh. Watched Free. I started watching Free. So far Free has been different from what I imagined. I’m enjoying it quite a bit cause seeing hot guys makes me inspired to work out and exercise. I could be that hot guy. Watched Free and then went to spin class at 6pm. Spin got moved up one hour because thanksgiving and holidays. The class consisted of four people and I was one of the 4. I’m quite proud. Dedication. Hard work.

I got a entire large pizza for dinner and tomorrow. I’ll be staying home and playing video games on Thanksgiving. And of course… being thankful and refreshing slickdeals hoping for a deal on the Sennheiser HD 650. Last year I got the 598s for $100 this year I’m hoping to get the HD 650 for $200 or less.

Yesterday I went to City Sports gym or whatever. It’s right next to SFSU. I’m surprised that I never visited SFSU… I plan on visiting sometimes next week and just doing some reading outside of the library. I went to yoga/spin yesterday at City Sports. The spin class at City Sports was so good. The bikes there are so much nicer… there’s a digital display that shows what gear you’re on and your rpm so that there’s metrics to keep track of how hard / fast you’re going. Yesterday was intense. I went yoga at 4:30. Then one hour of working out. Then another hour of spin. So I was at city sports for 3 hours. Then right after that… we went to Kome for all you can eat sushi buffet. I think we got there at like 830. And we thought the place closed at 12. But it closes at 900. Which meant that we only had 30 minutes of all you could eat sushi. I managed to eat 6 eel handrolls and a bunch of other food. They let us stay until 930 but we couldn’t get more food at 900. I ended up stacking 3 plates at 900 in order to pig out. It was… kinda bad since at the end of the buffet I reached my max buffet level which is when I can’t sit up straight and walk like a pregnant lady. Kinda regret it but at the same time it was sooooo delicious. Well. 3 hour of gym balanced by all you can eat sushi I guess.

Monday… I did 2 hours of yoga and went to spin class. And I also went to the dance practice. Even though I didn’t dance at all since the group is practicing for the December performance where I won’t be performing. The practice is just the finishing touches and I basically got to see the show in advance. It was pretty cool and I’m excited to actually take part in the future events.

Unfortunately Sunday seems like forever ago. So… gonna stop. Plus I already wrote more than what I expected of myself. It’s all about just starting and putting in the work.

I guess to summarize Thanksgiving 2015. It’s kinda of an early retrospective… but I’m really thankful for everything that’s happened in 2015. 2015 is definitely my best year yet. And I think… so far each year is on track to surpass the previous. Even though physically… I’m still weaker than my prime in 2014. I’ve grown and accomplished so much. I guess I traded some of my gym / physical abilities for more mental / skills. Totally worth it. There’s so much that I’m thankful for that this short summary won’t do it justice. I’ll write a post purely for what I’m thankful for. I guess right now I’m just thankful that I have pizza and video games.

pre black friday week

My first week of staycation / time off has ended. It’s been an amazing week.

I’m thankful that I can just take some unpaid time off as needed. I’m thankful for all the positive people that I have in my life. This week I actually spent most of my time catching up with people that I didn’t get to spend much time with. It made me realize how spoiled I am. Some of my friends work 9-5 jobs where they only have a one hour lunch. Every job that I’ve had gave me flexible work hours where my lunches weren’t timed and I can go get coffee whenever I want.

More recently I’m thankful that I live in the States now with amazon.com. I just ordered Sengoku Basara and Dynasty Warriors 8 for PS3 and… there was free single day shipping. I ordered at 3am today(saturday) and it arrives before 9pm today. I’m thankful that I’m surrounded by delicious food and everything is so convenient. I woke up… then walked 10 minutes to Sam Wo in chinatown for delicious food and dinner / takeout. Then I went to the target that’s 5 blocks from my house for some grocery shopping. Everything is walking distance for me and I’m spoiled.

The other day I had dim sum with a friend at 2:30pm. It was glorious. Like… the dim sum place is normally really packed. But it was a weekday at 2:30pm so I’m guessing most people have work. I feel so thankful that I got to experience what it’s like to be.. outside the realms of normal I guess. It’s like… if I were working I wouldn’t get to experience it. Everyone is at work… while I’m having dim sum. So thankful and so spoiled.

I’ve been reading How I raised myself from failure to success in selling by Frank Bettger. It’s a really interesting read. And I was just chilling in cafe / boba / coffee places while reading a book. I’m really thankful that I get to just… enjoy reading a book with coffee in an pretty much empty place. There’s two or three other books that I want to read in my break. I’m really looking forward to more book and coffee time.

I’m thankful that I got to binge watch all the anime that I’ve been backlogged. I finished Jojo’s Bizzare adventure Egypt arc and Isshuukan friends. :)

There’s way more stuff that I’m thankful for. But I guess this is a good start. I’m building the habit of writing a post each day. And this will be the 2nd post of the one post per day streak.

Rest and Recovery

It’s day 3 of my vacation. Spin class was cancelled… even though it was my most looked forward to activity of the day. I had Senor Sisig for lunch and it was delicious. Ovo cafe is still closed for renovation. I think… renovation in US just takes forever. I thought my laundromat would have taken a month. It’s now been 6 months+ with no end in sight. Sigh. Laundry is my most difficult task of the week. I guess… I need to appreciate how spoiled I am. That walking 2 blocks to do laundry is my most difficult task of the week.

I went to the gym yesterday at 1am. I’m still far weaker than my peak physical shape. So it’s time to focus on working out in my time off. I also tried to practice hip hop at the 24h fitness. But… it was hard because I didn’t actually have the individual songs. I only had the full mix which made it hard to practice non stop. I still need to learn the Monsta song. It looks so easy… but when I try to do it. It’s hard.

The other day I had a thought which I’ll probably eventually dedicate an entire post to. It’s that.. you can only willpower yourself so much in real life. In anime and manga you see characters overcome all odds with sheer force of will and belief in themselves… but the reality is willpower can only do so much. I think my willpower great… but even with my great willpower I can’t force myself to lift 2x my max weight. Or use my willpower and translate something into skill such as basketball or dancing. You use willpower to make yourself practice… and the practice is what translate into skill / ability. Willpower by itself can’t really take you that far.

I recently finished Isshuukan Friends and Jojo’s Bizzare Adventure Stardust Crusaders. I’ll write reviews on those while I’m on break. Isshuukan Friends was a nice change from the typical anime that I watch. I guess… it reminded me of some good memories that I had growing up. And Jojo is like the modern day Shaman King. It’s the type of anime that I normally enjoy watching. Jojo is just an unstoppable force.

Just show up

I don’t remember if I wrote weeklies… I think I definitely skipped a few. But… moral of this post will be just showing up.

It doesn’t matter how many sets of weights you do at the gym. What matters is that you got to the gym. Similarly… it doesn’t matter about pretty much anything… you just gotta show up and try.

The default… is always the easy thing to do. It’s so much easier to stay home and do nothing. It’s so much easier to not take action. It’s so much easier just to sleep, and go on autopilot. You gotta do the harder thing… because in the end the harder thing is always better. even though… maybe in the moment it was sucky… you’ll always be glad you experienced the crap.

I guess the time bend / highlight of the week is that I tried out for a dance workshop. It was a free dance class imo. Totally worth it. And. I got invited back to become an understudy. So I get more free dance classes. teehee. And I also get to meet some super cool people. So much scary things… that I did. I’m still waiting for the outcomes of some of my actions… we’ll see.

Thankful 3rd week of August

Hmm. This week was mostly a normal week. I think… time flies by so fast. Let’s start with today.

I’m thankful that SF weather is just perfect. Sunny without it being overly hot. I’m thankful that 24h fitness exists and I get to go to yoga class on Saturday. Yoga class cost me $5 if you count my membership monthly divided by the visits of yoga. I’m thankful that I have such a good yoga instructor for such a cheap price. I’m thankful that I can walk to yoga. My walking score in San Francisco is 100. I’m thankful that I live so close to chinatown. I can just wake up and walk to chinatown for delicious food. I’m thankful that I don’t have to worry about money. I just went to the bank to withdraw $200.. and I know there are people who need to check their balances before they can withdraw money.. but I just spend without having to worry about money. I don’t have to worry about food.

Looking foward: I’m thankful that my cousins will be visiting me. I’m thankful that I have family that I enjoy spending time with. I’m thankful that I have monday off. Even though I’m planning on doing some work on the weekend.

Looking back… this week I’m thankful for all the supportive and amazing coworkers that I have. I’m thankful for the cool opportunity for my career. I do what I enjoy with freedom and flexibility. I interviewed a guy for work today. It was the first technical interview I gave… and I think I might have been more nervous than the interviewee. But… it was a pretty cool experience and I’m thankful for that.

I wrote so much beautiful code. And I learned so much from code reviews. Life is good. I did a badass live deploy while handling race conditions. I feel so badass.

I’m thankful… that I get to work in my beautifully constructed home. With dual monitors. Standing desk. Sennheiser 598s. And a TV playing my favorite music in the background. Sure… I work long hours… but I enjoy all the time spent working. Like now…. perfect music and coding. Is pretty high on how I enjoy spending my time. It’s crazy that my work is so similar to how I would want to spend my time anyways.

Wow over 60% of 2015

231 days, 2:16:26.604252 63.2876712329

Sigh. It’s over 60% of 2015. I haven’t been writing my weekly entries cause so much shit has been going on in my life. Some good… some bad. Mostly just been really busy and really dumb. I haven’t been sleeping enough… and the lack of sleep is causing my to lose will power and make bad choices of sleeping even less. Not enough sleep -> not enough will power to go to bed on time -> not enough sleep -> the not enough sleep cycle. Sigh.

Last week… was especially crazy. I actually went clubbing in San Jose.. on a Saturday night. Despite the fact that I was sleep deprived. It was such a crazy experience. A really crazy night. I don’t think that it was either positive or negative. I’m trying to practice no judgement. It’s just something that happened.

Recently… I kinda feel like giving up. I kinda feel like quitting. Even though… I’ve achieved so much. And I conquered so much… I still feel like just quitting and giving up. Sigh. I’m messed up. Whenever I reach a new high or a new low… the de facto is to give up. To keep going… is hard.

There’s nothing I can’t handle. I interviewed someone for the company. He was really nervous… so I dunno if it was nerve or actual skill. But… he just did really bad. I think.. either I’m a really good coder… or he’s just bad. Or he’s just nervous. But I couldn’t tell why. Inevitably… I couldn’t go with him because he failed the interview.

My cousin is gonna be visiting next week and I’ll get the opportunity to go to a two Michelin starred restarant and spend $300 on a dinner. Wow. I’m so spoiled. But… oh well. Sigh. It’s like.. I have so much.. and yet I still feel like giving up. Or empty. I blame my mother isssues. Been watching suits lately. And I also read age of anxiety. Freud says all your fucked-up-ness is inevitable mother issues. -.-

I guess it’s true. my mother never paid attention to me. and she would always choose herself over me. maybe that’s why i have trust and attachment issues. and serious trust issues. yeah. imma just blame my mom.

Wow it's almost August

209 days, 23:38:52.987089 57.2602739726 Hmmm. It’s over 55% of the year. This past week my 24h fitness membership expired. I had previously bought the 2 year costco membership. What this means is that I’ve been in San Francisco for 2 years + 7 months. Since I moved here in January and lived in a luxury condo that had a gym for the first 6 months that I was here. That’s kinda crazy. I’m quickly closing on 3 years in San Francisco. That’s almost… 1/9th of my life. I’ve spent… more than 10% of my life in San Francisco. I’ve spent… almost a full undergrad in San Francisco. Whoa.

For all the talk about american healthcare being bad. I feel that it’s actually fine. Sure… healthcare cost my employer a fortune. But for me… it’s essentially the same in the States as Canada. Actually… it might actually be cheaper. I saw my sports chiropractor this Monday. I think the average visit is like $50. And considering.. the time that I woke up with crazy back pain… it’s actually really convenient that I have such a wonderful doctor available.

I’ve been feeling a bit out of it recently. Work has been crazy stressful because of a project deadline. But I guess… even with the stress. It’s nothing I can’t handle. And… I guess it also helps that I really enjoy my work. Just listening to music and building things in Python. It brings me so much joy. I guess… in a way I’m really lucky. Not many people get to say that they enjoy their day to day work. So… I guess in a way. The stress is good.

I think I’m back to my pre vacation fitness levels. Almost. Saturday I went to yoga. Monday I went to yoga + spin. Yesterday I went to the gym for my 5x5. And today I went to spin again. Then again… the 20 minute run yesterday night… was a lot more mentally taxing than I remember it. I guess it was a test of will. And my will didn’t falter. So that’s good.

I started reading a new book. It’s called age of anxiety. It talks about how the author lived through lots of anxiety and stuff. It’s funny because I spent almost 2 hours last week looking up psychopath / sociopath… I was wondering if I was one. It’s unfortunate that I’m not a psychopath. Since I experience fear. And guilt. And shame. Sometimes I wish I was a psychpath so I wouldn’t have to experience those negative emotions. I guess you gotta be able to experience to lows in order to experience the highs. I was flying high. But then Toronto happened. I guess it’ll serve as a reminder that there’s really nothing left for me in Toronto. I tried going back and spending time with my family. It’s funny that when living with my family… I actually feel more isolated and in some ways lonely. Maybe someday I’ll fix that problem. But for now… I’ll take the Vanille route and just run. I think it’s fine to run from your problems when you don’t need to fix it yet.

August is gonna be an interesting month. I don’t have much planned except I definitely am going to visit an isolation tank in SF. I think that’ll be my time bending activity of the month.

Wow almost august

I’m doing a lot of javascript at work. It’s uhh… pretty interesting. I should probably write a programming article on it at some point. I think my javascript is at a level where I’m fully functional which means that I can build whatever it is that I want. But the way that javascript works at work is that I would classify it as “Enterprise Javascript” which means that the javascript is all megacorp and fancy. Not hack and make it work. I guess it’s really important to know how to write uh… proper enterprise like javascript. But I guess since I don’t really enjoy front end work… it doesn’t interest me. I guess this is what they mean that you should only go for what you’re passionate about. I feel like all my PR’s get massive scope creeped because I have to refactor to do it the ‘proper’ way. /shrug. I’ve spent a lot of time learning this new javascript library. I think all javascript libraries have a steep learning curve before it actually helps you out… which I guess I rather be able to do stuff right away.

I feel like I’m just totally crushing it at work. I think… the Toronto time made me uh… appreciate what I have so much more. Like… I take for granted that although work can be stressful and take up large chunks of my life… in the end it’s something that I enjoy immensely. It’s fortunate that I really enjoy what I’m paid to do. Today at 24h fitness… it turns out my 24h fitness membership expired. So… it’s been officially 2 years since I moved into my current location. Wow. That’s kinda crazy. I’ve been in SF for… 2 years + 7 months. I spent the first 7 months in a luxury condo with free gym membership so I didn’t need 24h fitness. Wow. I guess…. next January will be my 3 year anniversary at SF. Time goes by… pretty fast.

I still need to write about the books I read. But I’m currently reading this book on anxiety. It’s called my age of anxiety. Yesterday I spent the day googling what it means to be a psychopath. Unfortunately… or fortunately I’m not a psychopath. Since psychopaths do not feel anxiety or fear. Which I feel both. = . I kinda wish I was a psychopath so I wouldn’t feel fear and anxiety. I randomly bought $60 worth of clothes from hollister online today. It’ll get shipped to my apartment. American life is so sweet. Like… for $60 I got a pair of jeans + 5 shirts. Shipped to my doorstep. I’m started to accumulate so much stuff. Too much stuff.

I recently discovered Zanze’s cheesecake. My mind is blown. I had a $20 small cheesecake delivered to my doorstep. The delivery + tip was like $20. The otaku life in SF. I don’t think I’ll be able to get that in Japan. I’d need to buy my own cheesecake. For shame. I’ve been listening to Last Stardust on infinite loop at work. Last Stardust was such an amazing insert song. And the flashback for Shiro… it’s so hauntingly beautiful. I need to start planning my days again. I’ve just been free forming it. So now… for tomorrow. I gotta merge my mega pr at work and start on a new service. I’ll be going to hip hop class after work. And then I’ll write an article on my favorite pair of headphones. The Sennheiser 598s. My big 3 things for tomorrow.

Back from vacation

I’m finally back from vacation. I was actually back about a week ago… or almost two weeks ago. But I spent most of the time resting. This week is the first week that I started following my usual routine.

I finished my first workout yesterday. I only lost about 2 months of working out. So not as bad as the 6 months prior. I struggled a lot to run 2,2 miles in 20 minutes. And then after squatting like… 75 pounds… I got crazy leg cramps. It was kinda interesting because the girl beside me was squatting more than me. Today I went to spin class and it was so amazing.

I spent 4 weeks in Toronto followed by 5 days in LA. LA was vacation and Toronto was semi vacation. I was working remotely in Toronto but then I had lots of tasty food and I consider it almost vacation. The thing I realized is that… my usual life is so amazing. The current place that I had, my work, my weekly routines. It’s better to me than vacation. Both for my mental and physical health and just for my overall happiness. Living with my family actually made me… less happy. Kinda weird right. /shrug.

I went to anime expo. It was kind of a crazy experience. I was definitely a bit overwhelmed since I’m uh.. not fond of crowds. And it was really freaking crowded. Even more so than Fanime.

San Francisco life is so good compared to Canada. I gots the Lyft to drive me to places. I got the instacart to deliver me groceries. And I got the Postmates to deliver me boba. And amazon prime. Amazon prime is so amazing. Amazon.com is so much better than amazon.ca.

The good thing about my vacation is that I spent some time reading. I finished two books that I’ll eventually review. The art of asking and Trying not to try. Both books were recommended to me via a philosophy blog post I think. Both are philosophical and mental in nature. I feel that… I have all this amazing abilities… and that I can do so much… but it’s like my mental is off sometimes.

I also recently finished Fate/Stay night Unlimited Blade Works. The anime is so good.

There was something else that I wanted to write about… but my mind is struggling to recall it. So I guess I’ll just stop here. My weekly update should hopefully resume weekly. And this is a mega post recounting random things I remember from my vacation.

thankful

I recently planned on daily posts on my blog. Saturdays will be dedicated to writing about things I”m thankful for. A bunch of happiness books / ted talks about how being thankful and appreciating what you have makes you a happeier person. So I guess the thankful series is a way for me to try and be happier by being more thankful.

I started off the day being woken up by an amazon delivery. I’m grateful that I live in America, and specifically San Francisco. Amazon prime makes life so convenient. I got floss, conditioner and socks delivered to my doorstep. And for a cheaper price I would’ve paid for if I still had to buy it myself in Canada. America is a pretty sweet place to be living in.

I’m thankful that I don’t have to worry about my meals. I woke up and I could’ve ordered food with postmates / eat24 / walked to chinatown. I just cooked something today and it was simple and delicious. I made pasta with chicken. I’m thankful that the internet has made television so accessible. I marathon watched Silicon Valley. I’m up to the end of season 2 with only one episode left. Silicon Valley is so funny… because there’s actually so much… truth in the show. Bro is such a joke app. But then we had Yo… which had funding. And last year… I actually used yo so much because it was hilarious.

I got the platinum trophy for FFX today. I was just bored and felt like completing it. Paid Yojimbo 200k to Zanmato the uber aeon for me because I couldn’t be bothered to beat him legitimately. I’m thankful that I have my dream home almost. The only thing missing from my current place is a gym inside the building. And laundry. But everything else is pretty perfect and I’m thankful for what I gots.

tl;dr - I’m thankful for amazon, tasty food, and having video games in my life

Fanime and new phone

I finally bought a new phone. I got the Asus Zenfone 2 for $199. It’s an amazing phone. Except the battery life is atrocious. It didn’t even make it through a 12 hour stretch of fanime usage. Sigh. Too fail.

    147 days, 1:38:22.522782
    40.2739726027

I previously wrote about how I spent a lot of time just waiting… waiting for the phone to come out. And I finally got it. And it’s nothing special. It’s just a phone. I can see a lot of positives in the new phone… the camera is really nice. But there are also huge flaws in the shitty battery life. And how asus piled a shit ton of bloatware / useless shit. And they have shitty UI. Sigh. Vanilla android is the best.

So I went to Fanime this weekend. I took the Caltrain to San Jose. Each day of the con… I took the 1:15 caltrain from SF and would arrive at 3:30pm. I am not a morning person. Even though I wanted to go to the con earlier. I guess if I go next year I’ll be sure to just get a hotel. I got lots of pictures with good cosplayers which I’ll be sharing on my instagram.

Wow. It’s already almost June. And I’ll be going to Toronto for a month. That’s kind of crazy. I’m not sure how Toronto is going to be… I guess it’s going to be lots of Tim Hortons… and delicious food. Last time I went back was 2 years ago or was it one year ago? Last time I went back… I lost over 3 months of 5x5 workout gains because all I did was eat food and get fat in Toronto… This time I’ll be sure to exercise properly. Just doing some daily pushups and body weight squats should hopefully make the setback only 1 month this time.

I’m actually kind of… wary of going back. I mean. I miss my family, and toronto food… and friends. But at the same time… my family isn’t really good for me mentally. The asian family is like… there are only flaws and limitations. Whereas in America… it’s all about opportunity. /shrug.

2nd week of may

    [ishida@ishida-fx420 random]$ python days.py 
    132 days, 22:14:32.251400
    36.1643835616

I haven’t been blogging recently because in the back of my mind I’ve been planning the move to Jekyll and I didn’t want to add more to the wordpress that would grow the migration. I think I might have missed 3 weeks so I think this week will be a mega post. So much has happened and my brain was overflowing with thoughts from my work from yoga.

I guess I’ll just write about things in reverse chronological order since the most recent thing is the most fresh in my mind. I just had a bowl of delicious pho. The pho was picked up and delivered to my door… and it only cost me $10 after tip and everything. Well… it would’ve cost me $25 but then I have postmates delivery credits. I guess… it’s kind of crazy that I’m pretty much living the dream that I had originally wanted for myself. I wanted to live alone and be able to do whatever I want. And in a sense… that’s what I’m doing. I even have delicious food delivered to my doorstep. It’s pretty much only available in San Francisco.

On my way back to yoga a thought just randomly passed through me so I’ll quickly jot it down here. It’ll probably become a learnings post at some point in time. There’s this saying that stuck with me which is “There is nothing good or bad but just thinking that makes it so” or some variation of it. My own personal spin to that quote is that “there is nothing easy or hard but just thinking that makes it so”. Whenever I think something is going to be easy or something is going to be hard… it almost always ends up as being true. The Jekyll migration was something that I was putting off. I knew that it wouldn’t take me longer than a weekend…. but I just had to block off one weekend to make it happen. And when I spent my entire weekend hacking to make it work… it was actually so much fun. For me Software Engineering and solving problems is just so much fun. It’s kind of crazy that I get paid to do what I enjoy so much. At the same time… I think I’m almost ready to try something new. I guess… despite the fact that my current life is so comfortable and amazingly good… there’s something else that I want to achieve.

I went to Yosemite during the Mayweather fight weekend. I probably would’ve used the mega fight as an excuse to not go to Yosemite if I knew about it beforehand. The Yosemite trip really wore me down even though I enjoyed it immensely. I can see why Yosemite is considered a national treasure to California. It’s actually just very beautiful. Living in the city… it’s so rare for me to go to the wild and experience nature. At the same time… there were bugs everywhere and I came back with a shit ton of bug bites.

I worked from home the Monday after Yosemite because I was really sleep deprived and hungry. We took a tour bus which fed us… but the meals were vegetarian and stuff. Monday just reminded me of how amazing my life is. I got back from Yosemite. Took a nap. Ordered food to my house. Got instacart delivered. Did laundry. And then wrote some tests and code and even deployed to production. My job is so much fun and I appreciate it so much. I know that I’m already spoiled. All my jobs were in tech and I never had a micro manager to deal with or even preset hours where I had to get to work by blah.

I’m quite excited for Bay to Breakers this weekend. There was so much more that I felt like I wanted to write but then my brain isn’t working… peace out for now.

breaking the habit

I think I missed two weeks of posting a post. The output from my script:

112 days, 0:27:34.116876
30.6849315068
</div></p>
Wow. It's already been 30% of 2015. Pretty damn crazy. Almost a third of the year has gone by. Just as I was getting back into the habit of going to the gym... I slipped up because of sleep deprivation and randomness.</div></p>
</div></p>
For the past two weeks I've been consistently going to Yoga and Hip hop class so at least that's sticking. I think the reason that I'm struggling so much to maintain my workouts is that... my goals aren't in line. Work is just dominating all aspects of my life. At my old work place I could wake up at 10:30 and get to work by 10:45. Now I need to wake up at 9:45 to get to work by 10:45. Wow. Typing that.... I guess I'm really spoiled. But I need to wake up by 9:30 in order to make it to work by 10:30. And I think that one hour of sleep makes a huge difference. It kinda sounds like a bullshit excuse though.</div></p>
</div></p>
I've been listening to motivational videos recently. There's this phrase... where it's like. You gotta want it more than you want sleep. But the thing is... it's always a marathon and not a sprint. And when you're sleep deprived you just suck at everything. /shrug</div></p>
</div></p>
I've been pretty consistent with trying out new things and doing time bending activities. Last weekend I froze my ass off in a BBQ in the Richmond. I guess living in the city gives me perfect weather and walking distance to everything. I'm living the treat yo-self lifestyle. I think it'll be hard to give it up... but I digress.</div></p>
</div></p>
</div></p>

wow. 25% of the year is gone

Output from my days script:
96 days, 0:31:21.778183
26.301369863

Wow. a quarter of the year is gone. These past few weeks feel so wasted. I've been really stressed out and busy with work. The good thing is that I started working out again. I'm above level 0 strength. I'm at level 1 strength. My peak is level 5 strength though... so I'm still ways off.</div></p>
</div></p>
The thing that I wanted to write about today is something that I've noticed recently. It's that every action you take or don't take... ultimately affects everything else in your life. Every little thing matters. For this past two months when I got a Netflix subscription. All I would do when I got home is run something on Netflix and watch it. I watched 8 seasons of Friends, and 5 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.</div></p>
</div></p>
Watching the shows makes me less productive. I haven't been working on my side projects. I haven't been working out as much. I haven't been to Saturday yoga in over 4 weeks. Last weekend... I stayed home all week and ordered $100 worth of take out. It's because I could expense the food so I ordered so much junk food.</div></p>
</div></p>
I ate an entire pizza by myself. Two servings of pasta by myself. And lasagna. The lasagna was particularly delicious. I've been waiting and refreshing my google news feed for the Xperia M4 aqua non stop. I can't wait til the phone gets released so I can buy it.</div></p>
</div></p>
There's so much garbage going on in my life and my mind. From the obsession with buying stuff, to watching crap on Netflix. It's no surprise that other areas of my life are slipping. This week I'm going to reorganize my plans and my daily goals. I need to get back into meditation, exercising and reading. I haven't completed a single book in 2015. That's... mind blowing. I guess I'm just sucking so far.</div></p>
</div></p>
tl;dr - every little thing matters. pay attention to everything that you do and don't do.</strong></div></p>

having the fat identity and mentality

Sigh. I realize that I've become that which I despise. The people who talk about how much junk they eat and how they really want to exercise. The people talking about how fat they are because food is so delicious.

It's really dumb. I think I've somehow fallen into the fat mentality. I haven't been working out and I've just been making bullshit excuses. It's almost like at this point... I identify with being lazy and fat and consuming junk food.

Champions are made through training. By working when other people are asleep. I'm going to go back to my 3 days of working out with 2 of them being night time workouts again. Gym days will be Tuesday night, Thursday night, and Sunday afternoon. I just need to walk to the gym. The weights don't matter. The workouts don't matter. I just need to show up and the rest will take care of itself.

My time bending exercise for this week... hasn't been done yet. But I'm thinking of being like that guy in the ted video and just getting a manicure / pedicure. I haven't ever gotten one.. so I'd think that it would be a time bending experience.

I went to yoga yesterday. The thing is... I was having a lot of trouble just focusing on yoga because my mind was always on work or other things. I think I just need to meditate and exercise more. My lower levels of exercising is messing up with my clear mindedness. Like the  mantra of soul eater - a healthy soul resides in a healthy body with a healthy mind or something. Gotta exercise more.

tl;dr - gym sessions are scheduled in stone. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays.</strong></p>

fat week

This week I've missed my Wednesday Yoga and my Thursday workout. It's interesting how everything work related always falls on Wednesday. On Wednesday I went with my coworkers on a testing session of the Android application that I've been working on. The testing session naturally went into my yoga time and I was forced to skip yoga. But honestly... I could've skipped the testing session and went to yoga. I chose to do the testing session with my coworkers.

I guess... if I could go back in time I would still choose to spend the night with my coworkers vs yoga. The time spent was coworkers was a good bonding experience and something time bending I guess. But on the other hand... yoga is only available once a week after work. And that's Wednesday.

I started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Netflix. It's been an interesting show. It feels very power rangers like or sentai. Pretty much every episode is some supernatural thing that Buffy has to deal with and then she deals with it and everyone is happy. I think I've seen too many shows in a sense that watching Buffy... everything just feels so hard to believe. I mean... how come there are so many demons but vampires don't ever accidentally hunt a demon or something. Like... there's a pact where everything supernatural only targets Buffy. I guess it is a television show after all.

I think as a kid I really wanted to watch Buffy but then I could never watch all the episodes or that my parents wouldn't let me watch it. Watching the show honestly feels like traveling back in time because I recognize the actress mainly from How I Met Your Mother.

I recently read this article on the 50 best series on Netflix and Buffy was rated #20+ something. There's like so much content on Netflix for me to watch that I literally have no time to watch everything. Same thing with video games... and books. My video game backlog is growing much faster than the rate that I can play through it. And my book backlog is also growing at a much faster rate that I can read through it. I think I should write an article on just how there's not enough time to do everything and that you should focus on the most important things. But I legitimately want to play all the games, watch all the shows, read all the books.

I went to hip hop class today by myself. It was lots of fun. I think that I'm okay as long as I'm present and in the class. The second that I start thinking about work / the past / the future I start sucking in class. And so... I guess hip hop class trains me to live in the moment.

tl;dr - getting fat. watching Buffy the vampire slayer.</strong></p>

wow. it's exactly 20% of 2015.

So I previously wrote a short python script that prints out the output of the number of days since the new year as well as the percent of the year that has passed.

Here's the output:
[ishida@ishida-fx420 random]$ python days.py
73 days, 23:39:20.857819
20.0

This week was crazy. In so many ways. I guess I'll just write about the highlights. UFC 185. Blew my mind. I can't believe there exists a lightweight that Pettis wouldn't be capable of finishing given his record against the likes of Henderson/Melendez. That's just so shocking. You have a guy that outclassed previous champions... and then this guy comes and manhandles Pettis. That's pretty mindblowing. I guess it just means that you can't take past performance or beliefs as absolute. I mean... I think I'm an excellent Software Engineer... but maybe 2 years from now... I won't be excellent... I'll only be average? O.O. That's kinda of a scary though. Also one that's really hard to believe given how much confidence I have in my abilities and how much I read / work / practice. But I guess anything is possible.

I went to Barry's bootcamp in SF. It was an interesting experience. A bootcamp cost $30 so I don't think I'll be doing it regularly. It was my time bending exercise of the week. The guy to my right was a cardio machine. He was shorter than me... and he did intervals at 11 mph. I maxed out at 10mph. I guess... that kinda really surprised me. That someone shorter than me could easily run 11 mph. Aside from the expensiveness... I don't think I'll do it because I prefer to be able to track my workouts in detail and the whole do as many reps as you can is kinda not my thing.

Shiet, I'm really out of shape. There was a scale at the bootcamp. I'm currently 150 pounds which is the upper limit of my usual body weight. But my strength is at 60% of my upper limit. Which means I got a shit ton fatter since fat weighs less than muscle. That's kinda a depressing thought. I always aspire to be on the up and up and be in the best shape that I'm in. My software skills keep going up and up, and my I want my physical and mental to keep going on the up and up. I've been meditating 3x a week now and I think my mental is definitely in the best shape I am so far. I guess I just need to work on getting back into the best physical shape I've been in. I want to be able to do the muscle up again. And then try out the human flag. The human flag is something that's still on my physical list. Along with a 6 minute mile.

tl;dr - need to work on my physical side. My tech / mental abilities are at the best it's been thus far. but my physical is slipping so I need to start working out again. nerdy. with science.</strong></p>

from the depths of despair

Man. I was deathly sick these past few days. It started Saturday Night... and then it went from Sunday til Wednesday. I was feeling like complete and utter death. The sickness just saps your willpower. I always thought that I'd be able to resist torture and stuff.. but when you're sick your brain just fails you.

I couldn't focus because of the headaches and body aches and stuff. Everything just felt like death. Then all of a sudden I'm feeling great now. It's the sign that I'm on the recovery. My energy just spiked up.

I'm tempted to go crazy now that I'm feeling slightly better. But I'm gonna take it easy still. The fear of relapsing into the death sickness is... to close. What I wanted to write about is that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. When I was sick... all I could think about was death and how life sucks. But now that I'm slightly recovered... I can see all the positive aspects of life.

Just because life sucks right now doesn't mean it won't get better. If your life sucks and you're at rock bottom. It means you can only go up and up. ;)

tl;dr - was deathly sick for 4 days... now I'm feeling hope again</strong></p>

blargh sick again

Fuck. I'm sick. I got the flu... along with intense backpain.

Sigh, when I'm healthy I always abuse my body thinking that I'm indestructible. And when I'm sick... I promise my future self that I'll always sleep properly, and rest properly and eat properly. But then... I don't.

I stopped writing for awhile because of the concussion and relapsing into laziness. And now I am deathly sick. How can the flu come with intense backpain. That's so fucking unfair. Fucking bullshit. Blargh.

The time bending this week was a dinner party with coworker. It was fun. I want to write more about what I learned and stuff, but back pain. Fuck this shit. BLARGH.

tl;dr - flu brings back pain. fucking retarded.

wow. it's the 3rd week of February

I have been super busy and stressed out at work for no reason. I also have been recovering from an injury. So I've been using the injury and the anti new years resolution as a reason to lazy, eat fat food and stop exercising.

I think I may still be recovering from a mild concussion so I've been using that as an excuse to slack off. The good news is I started my stretching exercises again. And I'm actually really looking forward to going to the gym and getting back into shape. I think the prescribed laziness while enjoyable is my standard. I think my habits are actually good in a sense that I crave exercising, stretching, and working on my side projects.

I broke my phone in my big fall that gave me a concussion. I just googled concussion and it says it takes about 100 days to recover from and that you aren't suppose to do physical or mental exertion. Shit... uh. I've been mentally overexerting myself at work. It's weird though, I don't think I've been recovering slower by mentally exhausting myself... but who knows. Maybe I'm making myself dumber by doing work.

I feel like I'm wasting a lot of time just waiting. I broke my phone and I really want to get a new one. But I'm waiting for the Zenfone 2 to come out. Or the Blu Life One 2015 to come out. I'm just waiting for myself to recover so that I can resume exercising.

I also planned out most of my events / travel up until this July. I'm planning on working remotely for the entire month of June in Canada. Then I'll fly to LA to attend anime expo. It just feels that so much of my time right now is waiting. Waiting for the phones to come out, waiting tv shows, and video games. Waiting for my trip back to Toronto.

I know I'm suppose to live in the present and enjoy every moment. And I do, but at the same time it feels like the future can't come soon enough. blargh. The funny juxtaposition is that I feel like I'm getting old. Before I could game until 5am, sleep until 1pm, and repeat. And now that actually wipes me out. So there's the weird contrast of not wanting to get old, but wanting the future to arrive faster. Weird huh.

tl;dr - don't like getting old but I waste time waiting for the future</strong></p>

first week of february

I missed my Wednesday post and possibly my post from last week because recently I haven't been time bending as much. I've been really stressed and busy with work life and I want to keep my regular life simple and with patterns and less decision making to not tire myself out.

I've been slacking recently when it comes to working out and getting proper sleep and stretching. This weekend my time bending activity was going to Las Angeles and the Disneyland in Anaheim. The events so far have been normal though. I've been to both LA and Disneyland so I guess the events weren't special.

Well, the major time bending activity of the week is that I fucking face planted on the pavement by the entrance of Disneyland. My friend bet me that I didn't have to vertical to frog jump onto this pole that was on the ground. I told him I could do it without using my hands and thus the challenge was accepted

So.. I was wearing my converse on the trip to Disneyland. I should've been able to predict that my converse would have no grip and slide right off the surface of the pole but I didn't. Here's a play by play of what happened. I take a running start towards the pole. I jump and get both my feet onto the pole. The pole is slippery like ice and my left foot slides off way faster than the right. I initially thought that I would land on my balls and be in intense pain, but I think from a viewers perspective... my friend said it looked like I landed on my balls on the pole. Then... after that, I face plant into the pavement without even using my hand or arms to shield myself.  Too jokes.

I hit the ground pretty hard and didn't even shield myself. I think I must've momentarily blacked out. When I got up I thought my balls would be killing me... but luckily the pole hit me on the back / inner thigh. Lucky~. Well... that's about the only lucky aspect of the incident... that my balls are intact. Since I didn't even shield my fall with my arms... my face took the most damage. There were 3 cuts on my face and one of them looks quite nasty. /shrug.

The funny thing is that this reminded me of the time when me and Albert had to return our assignment in the morning after working overnight. The two of us biked towards the University and dropped off our assignment. And then as we were biking back, I on my bike decided to close my eyes for just one second. Turns out that one second was much longer and I lost my balance and fell off my bike. I hit the ground without my arms protecting me and everyone walking around was like "Are you okay?". My friend who was there with me asked me if I was okay while trying to hold back the biggest grin I've ever seen on his face.

Too jokes. After I confirmed that I was okay he started laughing non stop. Today's incident reminded me of that because the friend who made the bet was me was like 'Are you okay?' while holding back the biggest grin and laugh until he confirmed I was fine. I guess that's how true friends act? I'ld probably just break into laughter... no wait.

This other time my friend and I were walking home together and we both jumped onto a patch of ice. I recovered and walked on.. but then I saw that he slipped and it looked to me like he fell in slow motion and eventually landed on his back. I asked him if he was okay before I broke into laughter about how I saw his fall in slow motion and how it was a picture perfect moment. Too jokes. Good times.

I'll be returning to work on Monday was some visible damage on my face. I've decided to say that I got into a bar fight and how everyone should see the other guy. But then I'll probably have to tell the truth. I'll tell all my coworkers that I attempted parkour and face-planted... which is essentially what happened.

tl;dr - went to disneyland. tried parkour and face planted.</strong></p>

4th week of january 2015

Shiet... already the 4th week of January and I missed my Wednesday blog post. My energy has been zapped recently because I think my sleeping is still all messed up. Boo hoo. I have no one to blame but myself.

So the crazy ass thing I did last week. Well, at this point it's almost two weeks ago. I went to a strip club. With coworkers. On a weekday. During daylight hours. Too jokes. We went to the Gold club. I didn't even know it was a strip club when I accepted the invitation for all you can eat friend chicken buffet. It was an interesting experience. Let's just say that. Pushing the limits of my comfort zone.

I need to add back squats into my weight routine. I've been skipping on squats and I think my leg muscles are imbalanced from all the running and cycling that I do. Time to add in the squats. Squats are the ultimate lower body workout. I also need to get back on the reading. I've just been watching so much netflix. Blargh. I blame BBC sherlock for being so damn good. I got another month of netflix just so I could finish sherlock.

2nd week of january 2015

Shiet, it's already the second week of 2015. That's 1/24 of the year already gone. Damn. So what are some of the new things that I did this week?

Last Friday I went to hip hop class. Admittedly, it's something that I've done before. But it's good that I went because I feel like while it's still challenging... it feels slightly more natural than when first started. Maybe I'm improving. I still can't do a single move 'properly' but I'm enjoying it and it's a good change of pace. Talk about time bending. Hip hop class is 1.5 hours long, but to me it feels like ages.

I also finally had my 1-1 with my manager. I asked for more vacation and to get reimbursed for expenses. Man, asking for shit is hard for me. I don't know why. I mean... I know that nothing bad will happen and it's totally fine for me to ask. I dunno. I didn't get the extra vacation apparently vacation time is a company / department wide policy. It's all good though because the thing is that I asked. I got approved for expenses which is expected and normal. I wasn't going to ask for it... but the expenses recently exceeded $100 which is higher than the activation energy of asking I guess.  Still, even asking for that was... difficult.

I don't know why asking for things and help is hard for me. Maybe I should see a shrink... it might be some underlying psychology issues. I actually looked up and emailed a psychiatrist. I've always wanted to nap on the couch/bench while they talk to you with your eyes closed. It looks like so much fun. Plus, I was thinking it would be like sports psychology where I'll be able to improve. A session cost $450 and that's for the initial 90 minutes. Ugh. I rather stick with shopping therapy.

I'll write about this in more detail in a programming page but as I've gotten better at Software Engineering... it's increasingly hard to get help. Today, I asked the front-end / javascript specialist for what my shit didn't work. And he looked at it and couldn't see anything. Granted, he only looked for about 10 minutes. I remember back in the day when I wasn't as good - the specialists would be able to help me out so fast. I guess it's good that I'm better now. The downside is that my errors are way harder to track down.

tl;dr - went to hip hop. asked manager for extra vacation and money.</strong></p>

not a good start to 2015

I was suppose to work out more during my time off. And then I got injured. I started 2015 with a weird foot injury. I think it's actually just frostbite on my foot. My toes burned and itched to death. And also pain. So then I couldn't work out.

It's weird how I got injured and having it cost me around 6 days of vacation. I couldn't really focus on doing work because the itch burns. I guess it's the slippage fallacy. Since I can't work out or work, I might as well just eat unhealthy and shit.

I binged watched psychopass season 2, and fate/stay night unlimited blade works season 1. Both shows are so good. I'll write a review for psychopass season 2 tomorrow.

I started reading givers and takers. The book is quite interesting. I'd classify myself as a matcher/giver. I wish I could be a taker, but I don't think I have the personality to be a taker. Or rather, I want to be a taker, but I don't think it matches my personality style. I'm not a fan of sucking up and while I want to be an asshole conflict and dominance isn't my natural style. I could fake it but then it feels like a waste of effort.

tl;dr - started 2015 with injury. binge watch psychopass season 2 and fate/night UBW. reading givers and takers.</strong></p>

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i should number my weeklies

The highlight of the week is the fact that I went to spin class today. What was crazy was that I the way and situation that happened. Yesterday I decided to be retarded and was watching netflix until 3am. And so, today I was retardedly dead and sleepy at work. When I got home at 6:15pm. I took a nap. Yup, I took a nap. My alarm went off at 6:45 and I was *really* tempted to stay in bed. It's been raining all week in San Francisco. Today was no exception, and there was still a slight rain when I got home. It was raining - the perfect rationalization. I'm so freaking comfy in my bed. You have no idea how comfy my bed is. Actually you probably do, I'm sure your bed is just as comfy. But for some reason.. I managed to get out of my bed, pack all my shit and leave the building. I don't know how I managed to do it. But that has got to be the highlight of the week. Attending spin class despite rain and napping in my bed.

I'm still listening to the art of learning from some Chess / Taichi grand master and it's actually very interesting. Like all books, there's quite a bit of unnecessary crap and fluff. But the underlying concepts are sound and very informative. Basically, whenever you learn something. You should always try and learn it in such a way that it suits your personal style. I'm not really the aggressive / outgoing type of person so when I learn martial arts - I should focus on counter attacking and defense. Stuff like that.

I accidentally turned off my brain and something stupid happened. I used my old toothbrush (that I used to clean cups and dishes) to brush my teeth. Ugh. Gross. But then stupid thing was I didn't realize it until my brain started working. Which was one minute into the tooth brushing. Something feels weird. Are you sure you're using the right toothbrush? Aw, fuck. I need to stop turning off my brain. Auto pilot happens too much. Too damn much.

The other thing in the art of learning book is that you need to train yourself to push past resistance. You'll never feel like doing anything. But each time that you do something when you don't feel like it. It trains you to make it easier for the future. Even though you might not notice it. I never feel like doing shit. I just wanna watch anime and eat food. But, I need to do the right thing even when I don't feel like it. That's how you grow in any skill and area of growth. Doing the right thing and consistency.

The last thought that I had was that I need to start blogging twice a week. So from now on I'll blog the weekly on the Wednesday and on the Saturday I'll try and write a more meaningful article distilled from my rambling thoughts. It's weird because there's so much that I want to do. Actually that's not weird. The weird thing is growing yourself or pushing yourself in areas that are good for you versus what I feel is pointless struggle, learning for the sake of learning.

Learning for the sake of learning is good. But you should only learn and focus on areas that are interested and critical to your goals. I'm really tempted to just learn random shit on a whim and read a ton of books. That's good, but I don't think those books will help me attain my goals. There was a period of time where I would learn for the sake of learning and now I think that it's not my style and not good for me. I previously tried to force myself to learn new programming languages that I have no interest in because 'people' say you should learn a new programming language every year. Now, it might be good for the people who say it. And I'm sure learning a new language helped them. I believe it *would* help me as well.

But it's not my style. I hate learning for the sake of learning because I think it's bullshit. And then I spend a shit ton of my willpower forcing myself to learn even when I don't want to. And then the rest of my goals and work goes to shit. I like to learn by building stuff. I'll learn mobile development by building stuff. I learned Python by building stuff. Building stuff is fun for me. So from now on, I'm not going to do things just because other people say it's good - unless I actually want to and it is in line with my goals.

The thing is having said that, it's hard to differentiate vs what I want and what is actually good. If given the choice, I would rather never work out and just eat food all day. But that's not the right or good choice for me. So I guess the difficulty is finding the right balance in doing the right thing even when you don't want to. And not forcing yourself down the wrong path because you think it would be good or because of outside influence. I guess that's something personal that I still need to work through.

tl;dr - I went to the gym after waking up from a short nap, and walked in the rain. some crazy ass shit I overcame today.</strong></p>

back on track

This Sunday I finally hit the gym. It was glorious. I was rationalizing and making excuses to not go. But honestly, the second I left my apartment complex and walked onto the streets at night in the cold win. I started grinning uncontrollably. Life is awesome. I get to walk to the gym and then work out in a nice place uncrowded and what not.

There's been articles on starting small and being consistent and what not. I think just getting out the door for me is enough of a catalyst to trigger me to work out. So from now on whenever I'm lazy. I'll just pack my shit. And walk out the building. If i feel like lazy after walking out the building, I'm welcome to return and walk right back home. Maybe one day I'll actually return but I think that most days I'll end up going to the gym once I'm dressed and out the door.

This Sunday I also pushed myself to do 3x intervals to hit 10 mph. So I did 3x 30 second intervals of 10 mph. I think I'll need to reach 5x 30 second intervals of 10mph in order to be able to sprint at a constant 9 mph. I want to break a 5 minute mile. But first I need to break a 6 minute mile. My current best is a 7 minute mile so I'm way off. But it's good to have goals.

My hard work at work finally got released. It's live. Hallelujah. I wrote the most ab(used) endpoint. It's the endpoint that must be used in order to do anything.  The top of the conversion tunnel - so to speak. It's super amazing and fun that developers are using my code. It's exciting. Even though previously, I worked on web projects that's being hit by millions. Each new release is just exciting and fun. People are using shit that I built.

Last weekend I wasted most of it. But it was okay. It's cool to have a break from time to time. I watched IEM San Jose, Hot6Cup, and UFC. Anthony Pettis is a god. He's Anderson Silva / Jose Aldo level and it's super exciting to watch him defend the lightweight title. He could possibly be better than BJ Penn in his prime. He's too slick and well rounded.

Spin class got canceled todays so I'm disappointed. And the weight room was closed and the gym was packed so I didn't get to do weights. But - some beats none. And the fact that I showed up and ran a mile. Life is good. Tomorrow is predicted to be torrential rain so I packed my laptop and am working from home. I'm excited to be able to work from home because my standing desk is amazing and I can code so much more comfortable at home

I've been reading the happiness book and it says that a big part of being happy is just simply expressing gratitude. And now I've been trying to express 3 things per day that I'm grateful for.

Today - I'm grateful that I work with amazingly smart people and that my work is satisfying and fun. I'm grateful that I got to have coffee with Cole - he's like a mentor and a friend all in one. I'm grateful that I get to watch hd movies on demand on my TV/Tablet/Laptop. Technology has improved so much.

Post thanksgiving weekly

I forgot about writing a weekly analysis last week because I was sick with the plague. I still wrote a post on the movie Detective Dee which was awesome entertainment so I think I'm good.

Since last week... I did some pretty amazing things. I'd rate the past week as a 9/10 in terms of enjoyment and growth. I had Thanksgiving dinner with Stan the Man and we just chilled and caught up. Stan is a badass. He helped me learn and grow so much. I'm sure I helped him as well. Growth man. Stan inspires growth and I inspire growth.

In the thanksgiving / recovery weekend I finally finished Bioshock Infinite. I beat it in ~16 hours or two solid afternoon gaming sessions. In addition to beating Bioshock Infinite I was active in developing my side project otakuhomepage. Python is just such a joy to code in. Coding in python just brings me delight. Now I know why Loren was all about the Python kool-aid. I got to use twitter-python and instagram-python which are python libraries for the respective API services. Now every hour my cron runs and it helps me like people's tweets / pictures and I get organic exposure.

I didn't go to the gym this Sunday. So I missed twice. It's one of the rare misses that I don't go to the gym twice in a row. But it was a conscious choice. I decided that rest was more important in the off chance that the flu strikes back and I'm incapacitated for even longer.

This weekend I also applied for and got the Chase Freedom credit card with $200 cash back. My credit line from the Freedom... is pretty insane.  I don't even know why they gave me such a high credit limit considering the Freedom isn't even a high level card. I hope this means that when I apply for the Chase Sapphire Preferred / Other travel cards that I'll be able to get them no problem.

My twitter and instagrams are growing while I sleep. That is crazy shit. It's so amazing how I can code something like that on a whim in less than 3 hours. Part of that is the power of Python... the other part of that is me. I'm a badass now. I guess I've become the kind of Software Engineer that I've always aspired to be. I get shit done and make shit happen. It's pretty damn satisfying.

I also bought another pair of Sennheiser HD 598s in the amazon black friday sale for $120. It was an amazing discount and more than 50% off. Why did I get another pair when I already have one? Now I can leave a pair at work and I'll have heavenly music at both work and home.

I've learned so much from Stan. He is a true badass. This week I relearned or re-experienced the idea: there is no right time. There is no right time for anything. It's never too late. And it's too early. Just go for it. Also, I really scared this girl at night as she was listening to her music. It was all good though because she was only freaked out for 2 seconds or so.

tl;dr - Thanksgiving week was amazing. If every week was like thanksgiving week... I'd be a 200% better version of me by next year</strong></p>

I'm suprised I'm not fat

So I've decided that Wednesday will henceforth be weekly blog day. I haven't been writing or keeping a diary consistently so now is the time.

First - the title. I got the thought today... I'm actually surprised that I'm not fat. The reason being is that I consume a copious amount of sugar and junk food. This morning I had three chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. And two glasses of whole milk. I've been having this breakfast the past week because I 'accidentally' bought a box of chocolate chip cookies. For lunch I eat the catered food that my company provides but I probably eat 2x the amount of a regular person. In the afternoon I usually get a boba tea or a mocha coffee. And consume a chocolate bar. And then for dinner I usually eat out.

It's weird because I was having the fat thought as I was speed walking to the gym to get to my Wednesday spin class. I was actually borderline sick today. There's been an office plague going around the Engineering team. I still haven't succumbed. But there's been many days where I felt not so well and borderline sick. Today was a particularly bad day - I was a dead man working for most of the day. Then around 4 pm I just told myself to give up on brute forcing my dead brain on working... and just get some more food. Another plate of food later I was feeling slightly recovered. Talked to a coworker about the way our caching is working and brainstormed possible solutions. Caching is hard. Incidentally - I just read a super interesting article here : http://blog.memsql.com/cache-is-the-new-ram/

After the chat on caching it felt like my brain was working. Quickly got back to work and then built the feature I was suppose to build. It wasn't a difficult feature at all - I would say it's even straightforward. Just that when you're braindead and struggling to keep your eyes open... any programming task is difficult. After making a pull request I was good to leave since it was quite the accomplishment considering how sick I was feeling.

Left work at 6 to get home by 6:30 in order to make the 7pm spin class. I've been consistently going to my 7pm Wednesday spin class which is good. Last week was my recovered week. Halloween caused me to mess up my workout schedule. But generally speaking I workout consistently. There's 2 days of 5x5, yoga day, and spinning. So I actually exercise 4 days / week. Maybe that's why I'm not fat.

Last weekend was interesting. My friend was visiting San Francisco from Toronto. He flew into SF for an interview with crunchyroll. I showed him around town and it was really fun hanging out with him. We talked about some of the programming questions he got and he said he got pretty much all of them except some of them he needed hints. I asked him what the hardest question was and he was like the stock question on calculating the maximum profit. It's funny because I read the hackernews article on the solution to that problem. When I first encountered the article... I failed so fucking hard. It was like here is the problem. Do you have the solution? Yep. Click here! What about gotcha #1? Me: Shit. I just failed. Okay. Gotcha #1 is easy to fix. Click here. gotcha #2. Shit shit. Okay. Also easy to fix. Click here. Gotcha #3. Fuck. I must be a horrible programmer. No wait, I'm not actually thinking that hard. Okay click here for the real solution. Shiet son - just use the greedy algorithm.

I feel like so much of interviewing is just experience. And interviewing experience doesn't even translate to real engineering skills. So many people probably interview better than me but can't code. I feel so bad for interviewers who actually have to determine if you're good. It was funny because I got that exact interview question as I was job searching. I just went use the greedy algorithm. Then the guy was like. How do you *prove* the correctness of your algorithm. I *know* that it's correct unless I mis-implemented the greedy algorithm (unlikely). /shrug. I failed that interview because I felt it was too confrontational. I get annoyed when interviews become confrontational because it's not the way that I work well in and the way that real work happens. Even after I 'proved' that the algorithm worked he was like. I'm not convinced and then I just gave up. Well.. I didn't give up. I was like - prove that it doesn't work and I'll just leave. We were at an impasse and that was funny. Funny memories.

My friend wasn't that good in salary negotiations though. So I sent him this article I read and learned from on salary negotiations. It's funny because there's so many jobs that require x number of years of experience. And then there are recruiters who screen candidates by years of experience. And I think that while experience is really important - there are so many engineers that just do the same thing repeatedly. They have 5x the same 1 year experience. Which translates to one year experience. Or 10x the same 1 year experience which translates to 1 year experience. /shrug. End rant on recruiters.

I recently saw the ted talk on pushing your comfort zone. Which is something that I'm a big fan of. Experiencing new things make you grow and stuff. So what did I do this week that was new..? Hmmm. Well, I've been consistently updating otakuhomepage.com so that's one. Then besides that I finished reading the book Smartcuts - How Hackers, Innovators, and Icons Accelerate Success. Books are so amazing.

It's kinda strange because today as I was in my lyft line ride talking to the other passenger. He asked me what I did in my spare time - and I said I read and exercise which is true. But then I actually realized that this past week... I haven't played video games that much. I haven't been playing FFX remaster. I'm close to getting the platinum trophy. The only hard parts left is dodging lightning x200 and the chocobo race. I think I'll just pay Yojimbo to kill Penance and the other superboss for me.

I did play Street Fighter IV with my friend. Damn, I feel so rusty. Muscle memory helps but I was dropping combos left and right. I finally asked for my vacation. I'll be starting 2015 with -32 hours of vacation time accrued. =|

Right... I think exercise and sweat cures sickness. I was feeling really sick today and after going to spin class and sweating it out. I'm actually feeling much better.

tl;dr - when you're feeling sick... do some cardio</strong></p>