It’s January 13. Normally I try and write my annual retrospective within the first week of January. But… I got the fucking death flu over the new year’s long weekend. So. Fucking. Salty. On Friday I had lunch with the guy who had the flu… and on Saturday I could feel myself getting sick. But I still went to the gym and worked out like a boss. Sunday. I was just fucked up beyond repair. >_<

When I got sick… it was like. I’m pretty sure the flu makes me depressed or puts me in a state of despair. It’s like… death. Like. Everything is pointless and I’m just sad. And I actually felt like I would never get better… it’s like I gave up hope. But then now I’m recovered. And life is fucking great. My life is fucking great.

Well. 2018 had it’s ups and down. In the downs… it was really down. But in the ups… fuck. So fucking high.

Sigh. Okay.

Emotion - I’ve been meditating less and I think I’m more… affected by emotion and external events. Translation -> I got weaker. I think will, discipline and logic should trump emotion. But I gave into emotion in many cases. I quit on the treadmill. I didn’t push hard enough for things I wanted. I didn’t bend reality to my will. Part of the reason is I spent most of 2017 in asia and the beginning of 2018 with my family in China. I actually think time with family makes me weaker… sigh. It’s an excuse - but it’s also reality. I think my bed and environment got too good and it made me soft… weak.

Physical - Haven’t deadlifted or benched closed to my PRs recently. But. I did Muay Thai in Chiang Mai. Also started learning BJJ. Oh man. BJJ is so much fun. Even though it caused me crazy injuries. With BJJ… I’ve accepted the period of sucking. To get good… you gotta suck. Rolling with 200 pound monsters that uh… crush me with their weight. it’s pretty jokes. I’ve only been training at the office which is full of super nice people. For 2019… definitely gonna do a 3 month stint at Marcelo’s. A world class facility. Can’t wait!

Relationship - went back to Toronto. Spent time with old friends. Moved to NYC. Made some new friends. Spent time with family in Asia. Enjoying the single life. I think this goes back to the spiritual. My understanding of relationships and my enjoyment of relationships is different. It’s… I’m just more appreciative. I enjoy the little things. People come into your life and people leave. Just enjoy the time that they’re there. Everything is temporary. I don’t try as hard to be friends with people. Or to seduce people. It’s like… I do the action… and whatever happens happens and couldn’t have happened any other way. And I’m okay with it.

Financial - I didn’t do my 2018 taxes yet… but I think it’s gonna be my best year ever financially speaking. Cause I made some wall street bets that paid off. Even working just from July onwards… I think that 2018 is gonna be my best year financially speaking. I definitely reached a new tier of finances. I just buy shit knowing that I can afford it. I’m not stressed about money. I know that everything will work out.

Spiritual - been slacking on the meditation. It’s… funny how you trick yourself. No time for meditation. You don’t need to meditate. But I think meditation is like exercise. It gives you the awareness and the calmness. It’s definitely a super power that I want to cultivate. I need to track my meditation and make it more consistent. Might just wake up 30 minutes earlier and put meditation at first thing at 630.

Time

Q1 - China with family. Chiang Mai. Kuala Lumpur. Amsterdam. Then back to Toronto. The end of my vacation. Fuck. This was such a blessed time. I’m so thankful looking back. Spending time with family in China. Muay Thai in Chiang Mai. Getting $30 thai massages… omg. The coffee and fast internet. Working out at a luxury condo and swimming in an infinity pool in Kuala Lumpur. Visiting the twin towers in KL. Looking back on the whole. It’s amazing. But looking at my diary entries and reflecting. I was so pissed off at stupid tiny shit. Like. Like having to buy a ticket from a the airport before you leave in the taxi. Or waiting in line at amsterdam. Amsterdam was actually fast as fuck. I was just an impatient asshole. It’s like… in the moment… small things just annoy the shit out of me. But looking back… Q1 was the last of my vacation… the finale. And what a grand finale it was. Amsterdam was so great. I did mushrooms for the first time. What’s the proper word for mushrooms? Psilocybin. Yup. Uh. It blew my mind. I think mushrooms is like… the shortcut to meditation. Like… the experience of mushrooms… is what meditating for 20 years will give you. I won’t say it’s addictive. Well. It is addictive in a sense that - that feeling. It’s an amazing feeling. Lucky for me I’m not the type to be addicted to drugs. I’m addicted to sugar though =

Q2 - Grandfather passed away in April. Shortly after I arrived back in Canada and got to see him. You think life is gonna be forever and constant… but change is inevitable. It was strange… because I expected it… in a sense that there was no way my grandfather was going to outlive me - so I would have to live through his death. Yet… I always envisioned him alive for my future if I decided to get married he’d be there. But now he won’t. Death is inevitable. I know and I live every year knowing that each passed year is one year closer to my death. I uh… was less affected by his death than the sadness my whole family experienced. I guess I’m normal in a sense that you get sad when you’re surrounded by sad people. Right after his funeral and burial… I hopped on a plane to interview in NYC. Crushed most of my interviews. It was like… doing the interviews… I was trying not to be sad or like… give out any vibes that a close family member passed away. I don’t believe in god or the afterlife. But I know that my grandpa always wanted what’s best for me so if there was an afterlife… he’d be looking on and wanting me to crush it. So - I did. The NYC interview gauntlet… a nice break and distraction from his passing. The amazing hotels paid for… the free food. Crashing at my friend’s place.

I got to live at my sister’s luxury condo downtown. The markham / toronto life was just… vacation 2.0. Working out. Going to tim hortons. Coffee with dad in the morning. Phoenix. Good times. But looking back at my diary. It was. Fuck. Life sucks. I can’t wait to move to NYC. And when my visa finally came through and it was time to move… I wanted to stay in Toronto longer. I guess.. it’s just really hard to appreciate the present for me. I always look towards the future.

Q3 - moved to new york. Crashed at my friends place for 2 weeks. Got my ideal unit in Chelsea with a dishwasher. No fee. It’s like.. I envisioned moving to new york and finding an amazing place with dishwasher. And it happened. Whatever I envision comes true. Buying all the shit I don’t need and building my perfect apartment. Getting that chase sapphire reserve. Starting to get used to work and crushing it.

Q4 - just being fat and lazy. I think… I might have seasonal depression? Or everyone has it. When it’s cold and there’s no sunlight… it just robs me of… motivation and will. In Asia when it’s warmer. I think tropical is best. Even though Toronto summer is like melting hot. I prefer melting hot to no sunlight and coldness. I think… now I just enjoy the down times more. Like… when I don’t have the will to be crushing it. I ended up playing god of war, and detroit become human. Finished both in like 3 weeks. Also got FFX for the PC. My favorite game of all time… and now I’m finally playing through it in Japanese. Using Japanese audio and japanese subtitles. Like a boss. Also… that’s another dream come true. I’ve always dreamed of… playing FFX in it’s native Japanese. My japanese isn’t good enough… or it is. It’s just… so beautiful. To be able to read… and play FFX in Japanese. The thing that struck out the most about it is… there’s this 3 choice option with Lulu. Where it’s like… Like Yuna / Not Like Yuna / Lulu it’s all about you. And the Japanese phrasing of it… was like. So Japanese. Blows my mind. LOL. Anderson Silva’s precision is so precise. HAHAHAHA. Too jokes. Man. No one gets my master class jokes. Cause I’m too weird.

Overall - 2018. Things are still on the up and up. Everything that I’ve envisioned for Manhattan. It came true. I think… I need to plan and envision more clearly what I want for 2019. Before I can meet my future waifu… I gotta know what I’m looking for. Sigh. It’s scary. Because… I honestly never envisioned myself older than 27 or 28. I’m gonna turn 30… which is like. I never envisioned myself married or with kids. Serious decisions. And not making a decision is a decision… delaying it is a decision. I think… everything that I want for 2019 will come true. I believe I’m lucky. But then… what happens when all you dreams come true? And you still have the void. The emptiness? Fuck. Well. I hope I reach the point where I gotta face the void. There’s still a decent amount of work / luck before I reach exit 2. But I’m well positioned to reach it. And… it blows my mind. How… much I’ve grown. It’s like… looking back. Fuck. I’m such a badass. In the moment - I feel so weak, I could be doing so much more. Breathe. Everything is gonna be great. 2018 was phenomenal. Happy 2019 everyone!