231 days, 2:16:26.604252 63.2876712329

Sigh. It’s over 60% of 2015. I haven’t been writing my weekly entries cause so much shit has been going on in my life. Some good… some bad. Mostly just been really busy and really dumb. I haven’t been sleeping enough… and the lack of sleep is causing my to lose will power and make bad choices of sleeping even less. Not enough sleep -> not enough will power to go to bed on time -> not enough sleep -> the not enough sleep cycle. Sigh.

Last week… was especially crazy. I actually went clubbing in San Jose.. on a Saturday night. Despite the fact that I was sleep deprived. It was such a crazy experience. A really crazy night. I don’t think that it was either positive or negative. I’m trying to practice no judgement. It’s just something that happened.

Recently… I kinda feel like giving up. I kinda feel like quitting. Even though… I’ve achieved so much. And I conquered so much… I still feel like just quitting and giving up. Sigh. I’m messed up. Whenever I reach a new high or a new low… the de facto is to give up. To keep going… is hard.

There’s nothing I can’t handle. I interviewed someone for the company. He was really nervous… so I dunno if it was nerve or actual skill. But… he just did really bad. I think.. either I’m a really good coder… or he’s just bad. Or he’s just nervous. But I couldn’t tell why. Inevitably… I couldn’t go with him because he failed the interview.

My cousin is gonna be visiting next week and I’ll get the opportunity to go to a two Michelin starred restarant and spend $300 on a dinner. Wow. I’m so spoiled. But… oh well. Sigh. It’s like.. I have so much.. and yet I still feel like giving up. Or empty. I blame my mother isssues. Been watching suits lately. And I also read age of anxiety. Freud says all your fucked-up-ness is inevitable mother issues. -.-

I guess it’s true. my mother never paid attention to me. and she would always choose herself over me. maybe that’s why i have trust and attachment issues. and serious trust issues. yeah. imma just blame my mom.