Hmmmm. It’s my 3rd day of work. And… I already missed my Tuesday workout. I didn’t go to the gym yesterday. I think… I just spend way to much mental effort at work at I’m too exhausted to go to the gym at night. My sleeping… it’s been really off. Mostly because I’ve been relying on coffee to sustain my brainpower at work. Coffee and boba. Oh well… it’s not works fault that I missed gym. It’s my fault that I missed gym. I went to spin today… so that was good.

Inheritance is horrrible. I already wrote about this in a separate post. But I’m trying to untangle some inherited classes… and it’s a real pain and annoying to like… trace through everything and make everything separate again and then remove the base class.

I’ve been reading this book on CBT. It’s called feeling good the mood therapy. It’s basically used to treat depression. Sometimes… I think I’m depressed. After reading this book… I think I might be depressed? But at the same time… it’s like I lived my entire life this way so then… I’m like used to it. Anyways… there’s this chapter on uh… what’s the word. Approval. I just realized that I’m approval seeking. And love seeking. Hmmmm. It’s like… I’m approval seeking… but I deal with it in a… bad way. I just make it such that I value no one. It’s like… I was approval seeking growing up since asian parents? But anyways… the way I dealt with it in real life is… say I want approval from someone. And that someone doesn’t like/approve of me… I just cope by downgrading said person. Said person who disapproves of me is worthless thus their approval is worthless. And… in the end I’m not approval seeking… but I also see almost the entire world / population as worthless. Hmmm. That’s probably bad.

I think I might have the same thing with love seeking. I’m like.. just a dog chasing it’s tail. On one hand… I don’t value love since it’s not really an emotion that I experience… probably because you can only love from a vulnerable position and I don’t like to be vulnerable / weak. /shrug.

I’ve been disappointed recently. I guess it goes back to being approval seeking? It’s like… I think of people as friends and I treat them as friends. But then the friendship is one way… and I guess that’s disappointing. But at the same time… I’ve done the same thing to other people. Looking at the point of the book… it just means that other people don’t think I’m good enough to be their friend or something. But even if that were the case… I have plenty of friends and whatever. So it’s like… I dunno why it’s even affecting me. Maybe it’s just the concept of fairness… I discovered that despite the fact that I believe that I’m purely logical or whatever. In the book predictably irrational. If you and someone else are offered free money. And the other person decides to split it or whatever but you get to decide to accept or reject the free money. If they offer a 9/1 split. You get $1 free. Everyone should accept the $1 free. But then… since the 9/1 is perceived to be unfair - you end up rejecting it. Logically… it doesn’t make sense because you’re comparing $0 and $1. I dunno… I’m just surprised that I have the biased sense of fairness despite the fact that I believe in cold hard logic.

The other thing on the book on depression is that you shouldn’t base your value / worth on external stuff. A lot of people base their value on their achievements in careers or whatever. It’s like… if I have the wealth, status and ability or whatever. Then life will be good. I think… I’ve just been chasing after the unreachable. I want to be rich, and smart, a strong, and fast, fluent in Japanese, programming, and piano. I dunno. So much that I want to achieve… and I guess… chasing after the status and wealth… isn’t good. To quote the book - you can always do better. Whether you’re a billionaire, or a genius. There’s always something you could’ve done better. So I guess… you’ll never be happy cause you can always be better? /shrug.

I saw 10% happier by Dan Ariely on my coworkers desk. I think I’m gonna get it and put it on my reading list backlog after my current depression / CBT book.

I’m excited for this Friday. It’s my dance group’s dance performance. I’ll be a ticket usher. My first chance at doing manual labour. Since I never worked a labour job. Only programming jobs. I guess it’s just been a brain dump.