I’m writing this post at Movenpick in Cebu. It’s a 5 star hotel. What’s funny is… It’s actually not that expensive. Actually, I don’t know. I actually don’t know how much it costs. I just put it on my credit card. America way of life?

My friends all left and I’m all alone here for the next 6 days. I wanted to do some ios programming since it’s uh… I’ll pretty much have nothing to do but we’ll see. I have a feeling that I’ll end up doing nothing simply because it’s vacation and treat yoself.

I went parasailing and scuba diving. Parasailing… was so much fun. I was really nervous because I have a fear of heights… I mean. Logically, I know that there’s nothing to be scared of because at that point there’s nothing that I can control. But I think there’s the animal brain that kept me on edge… it was a really weird experience. The views were beautiful. I guess it’s good that I’m not scared trying crazy new things no more.

Scuba diving… haha. It was actually amazing. I tried snorkling and didn’t really enjoy it because the straw would occasionally angle downwards and you’d inhale seawater. But, scuba uses the same mouthpiece without ever having seawater come in from the tank. Unless you did something wrong, which I didn’t. Scuba diving actually reminded me of meditation because it’s deep breaths and calm. Focus on the breathing and the surroundings. Scuba was over so fast… I guess it’s a sign that I entered flow state that scuba managed to go by so quickly.

My chinese is uh, getting really rusty. We were playing chinese based games and there was a whose handwriting is it game. My chinese was so bad that it was obvious the bad handwriting belonged to me. Also, there was a face pointing game and I mixed up eyebrows / eyelashes in chinese.

Phillipines so far was just 3 days with friends followed by 6 days alone. It feels very… similar. It’s like, everyone talks about the cycle of life and how life just goes in cycles and levels. It reminds me of a Carlos Condit interview I think. You go up a level, but you’re still going in the same circle. I grew a lot and I’m a much better person, but it still feels eerily similar.

I got to meditate on the beach at night. Mosquitoes were biting me and I just let them. The night sky and the sound of the waves of the ocean. It was a pretty amazing meditation… but it’s still the same meditation. One where my mind wanders into thoughts of fears, past and the future. Then a security guard came and told me to go back to the hotel cause it’s not safe at night. You know what’s weird. People calling me sir. I think I still associate with being a poor bum so being in a nice establishment and being called sir is kinda weird. I got a 30% discount for using my chased united visa card for the buffet dinner, that was surprising. It’s weird because at that level you don’t really care about the discount. It’s like when I first moved to SF and there were free meals and free t shirts everywhere. Why couldn’t the free meals and tshirts exist for when I was a poor college student?

I think it’s like, at each level you want the next level and you take for granted the level you’ve achieved. Free meals and tshirts… I should still be thankful and happy as if I were still a poor college student. Maybe. I dunno. This vacation was amazing. But I still want more. It’s like. I’m not sure if it’s just me or if it’s just everyone. But I always want more and I’m always reaching and grasping. Having read the meditation and philosophy on ways of thinking. I know that reaching and wanting things a certain way isn’t good. When you try to force the universe to bend to your will it’s usually beyond your control. But on the other hand, other people have done it and succeeded so why can’t I? I know that I can do what others have done.

What’s weird is that… my past/future feels exactly the same as when I left SF. Or when I was thinking about leaving SF. There’s always two paths… or more. Well, there’s probably more since each decision affects the future. The two choices for me are to struggle and chase greatness. Struggle to make my dreams come true. Or, to just settle and enjoy the life the way that it happens. I always lean towards the struggle and greatness but the allure of the normal and stable life. It’s quite strong. So many people live that life.

I guess in the end it doesn’t matter. Everyone dies. So just enjoy the present. You spend your whole life chasing and then you look back and it’s like. Wow. Now I’m old.

The note to myself is. Always try and do more, but it’s okay to take it easy from time to time. Try to bend the universe to your will but if it doesn’t happen it’s okay.