Summary of my day before the thesis. Woke up, got my apartment cleaned while I went to the office to practice piano. My sprained finger isn’t causing too much issue. I’m still far from the level that I used to be. I use to play to zanarkand with my eyes closed and via memory perfectly with a 3 difficulty. Now I can barely play it with sheet music with a 8 difficulty and I can’t play the softness properly. Sadface. But… practice and recovery. I’m certain I can surpass my old piano self via hard work and dedication. I’m certain.

Then I ran… 4 intervals of great incline. It was… quite mentally challenging. But funny, it wasn’t challenging enough for me to reach 2nd wind. When doing cardio, I think… it gets really fucking hard. And once you push through the really fucking hard, it magically becomes easier. Those are the sessions that train your mental and physical. When you break through, and it becomes easier through sheer will. It’s okay. I did.

I went to animenyc cause my friend told me about it. Tickets were all sold out, and I didn’t want to pay $45 to uh… enter on a sunday for 1 hour. So I just walked over planning to wander the convention center. I tried to walk to some restricted area.. and the guy was like. YO. WHERE YOUR BADGE AT SON. and I was like. Oh shit. Run. lool. but honestly, he just prevented me from going in. I wasn’t gonna go to jail or any shit like that.

Okay. Plan to obtain badge. It’s like a video game. So I walk outside the convention center looking for people who are leaving and I’m planning on asking them for their badges. In the past, people who are leaving would sometimes randomly give me their badges. So in my mind… I know that getting a badge from someone whose leaving and has no use of it… it’s like a 3/10 difficulty. You don’t even need skill, you just need to ask. And I have no problems asking or talking to strangers. But. Fuck. For some reason. It was REALLY fucking hard. To get my body to take action. It’s like. Sigh. I wish I could control myself as a video game character. I think that’s what meditation is really all about. Transcending the self, observing, and directing. If I could control myself as a video game character… my stats would probably be near maxed and I’d already achieved all my dreams. I think. In the same way that… I see fat people and think. Dafaq. You don’t want to fat, yet you won’t do the most basic and easy thing which is eat healthy and exercise. For me… it’s. I know what I want.. but I don’t do the hard work to get what I want. Or like… I just sabotage and make bullshit excuses to not do shit.

Okay. So decided on obtaining badge. I ask this guy if he’s leaving and he’s like. Oh. He’s coming back. He knows I want his badge but he’s returning so can’t. No biggie. First guy. A nearby dude, who heard me asking was like. Yo, you want a badge to get in? I’m like. Yeah. And he just gives me his badge cause he’s done with it. Man. You the REAL MVP. So basically I asked one guy and I got a badge.

One of my personal beliefs that’s been… realized is. Whenever I want to do something, whenever I take the proper actions towards doing something. When I tell the world - this is what I want. It’s probably not the way I envisioned, but it fucking happens. I didn’t envision a stranger not being the guy I was asking giving me his badge. But I did envision getting a badge. Which I got.

Newly acquired badge. Man. Life is like a video game, that was a fetch quest. LOL. I get to walk around artist alley and stuff. I’m just feeling super nervous. It’s weird. Like. The nervous, doesn’t correspond with reality. I’m in a super safe place. Like… there’s literally no danger whatsoever. In any shape or form, but my nerves are just giving me anxiety for no fucking reason. Fuck. Fucked up biology and beliefs. I’m like… surrounded by nerds. Otaku. My people. I’m just… smiling to myself, like. dafaq. I’m with my people and I feel anxious. WTF.

So I think. I just struggle with showing weakness. Like. Writing about how I’m nervous… even though I know.. like there’s probably 5 readers who will never meet me in person. It’s like… writing about my own weakness… goes against what I believe in. Anyways, I see a genderbend vegeta. She’s super cute so I go up and talk to her. And I was already nervous… talking to her original spikes my nerves even higher.

she was super nice and warm. And honestly, it was easy. The interaction was easy and warm. THe nice guy who gave me his badge. It’s like… I know the world is filled with nice people. And I know that believing the world is filled with nice people - being optimistic is good for you. And yet, It’s like I never learn. I just keep thinking everyone is evil and out to get me or some bullshit. Sigh. My biology is fucked up.